Showing breaking news satire snippets written by Anan E Maus.Show all snippets.
Politicians Vs. Credibility
Breaking News! If politicians want to be credible, they must know SOMETHING about the thing that they are attacking! (File this under "Common Sense Updates"!)
written by Anan E Maus, 24 November 2013
Blue Chip Stocks Have Been Converted to Actual Blue Chips!
A number of potato chip companies, their businesses failing due to the one-cent stocks, have converted the shares given to shareholders into actual blue chips! Ford, AT&T and Yahoo will follow suit.
Penny Stocks Changed to Just That!
As inflation worldwide increases, it was announced today, that, in an effort to combat rising prices and falling wages, all so-called "penny stocks" would now be one cent! This will include blue chips
Mr. T's Urine Found to be Utterly Potable...and Delicious!
Researchers celebrated their triumphant conversion of famed actor, Mr. T's, urine into a potable substance. A bottling company will be marketing the iced tea made from it as "Mr T. Pee Tea"!
Idiots Argument Over "Harry Potter" Film Turns to Violence
Eliot, ME-A household experienced much violence today, as an argument about specifics in a Harry Potter film, divided said household and the two camps brawled. Shouts of "incendiosum" were overheard.
Little Caesar's Under Investigation for "Tainted Pizzas"
Dover, NH-Officials today cordoned off the Little Caesar's pizzeria, as claims of tainted, narcotic pizzas have flooded the area. A number of claimants allege that they experienced visions or laxity.
Libyan Nationalists To Sue France for "War Crimes"
Benghazi, Libya-Members of the Nationalist Libyan Forces, outraged by France's shooting down of one of their fighters, have filed a war crimes suit with the International Court.
Man Mistakenly Believes He's Traveled Backwards Through Time
Dover, NH-A plaza housing the pizza chain, Little Caesar's, has become a controversial site, as a man claims he went back in time, due to the fact that LC's had been absent in the area for 10-15 years
Massive Deposits of Californium Found in the Most Unlikely Place!
Ichiyushui, Honshu, Japan-Scores of toiling radiation workers, in concert with local farmers and miners, have found huge deposits of the rarest element, californium, at a farm just outside the reactor
Mother Sues Own Son For Sexual Harassment!
Patterson,NJ-In a move that is shocking the world, a mother is suing her own five year old son for sexual harassment for slapping her butt at home one day. The father is being sued, too, for damages.
Dido To Sue Dido
Angry at the illegal use of her name, Dido of The Aeneid has filed a lawsuit against singer Dido today. The singer has claimed it was all an homage, but the other Dido will not accept the excuse.
Homeless Junkie Astounds World, Renames Himself "Trash"
In a slummy Lower East Side neighborhood today, a homeless junkie, previously named "Paul Sodum" has changed his name to "Trash" In an interview with the press, he quipped "Well,You are what you eat"
Sex Ed Teachers Teach "Pussy" As Corruption of "Pudenda"
In a move guaranteed to shock etymologists the world over, a number of teachers in a small Ohio town have started teaching that "pussy" is derived from "pudenda" This of course is not true-nor proper.
Ku Klux Klan To Finally Dissolve
In South Alabama, the KKK at last admitted defeat and announced the dissolving of their hate group. "The minorities have won-did in fact years ago." said one member, in tears, moments after the news.
Polar Bear to Sue Polar Bottling Co.
A polar bear, representing hundreds who have made no royalties on the illegal use of their name and image, has filed a lawsuit against the Polar Bottling Company today. Counsel is said to be frosty.
New Cooling Device (For Tea) Invented
At an air-conditioning factory in Ohio, a new cooling device was unveiled today. It is said to reduce the temperature by several dozen degrees. The downside? It's for tea and tea-kettles only!
Egyptians To Be Degreased?
Egypt's president, in an effort to clean up his country's image, has ordered all citizens to be degreased. The best degreasing solutions have been obtained for this. No word yet on its effectiveness.
Etymology and Entomology to Exchange Definitions
In a move (poorly) calculated to cease people's confusion, etymology and entomology have reached an accord regarding transposing their meanings. One will now be bugs, the other the study of words.
Environmentalists To Cease Driving Altogether
Protesting at a Texan oil well, representatives of the Environmentalists of America, have said that they will give up their large SUVs to stop pollution. And so will finally cease their hypocrisy.
American Truckers to Clean Up Themselves
In a shocking but well-admired move, the Truckers of America, have announced they will begin to cleanse themselves with soap and water..at last. No word yet on whether they plan to slim down, too.
Santa To Face Toy Company Lawsuit
Flagging profits for Toys R Us and other large toy companies were blamed on Jolly St. Nick, and they have gone ahead and filed class-action suits against the man, for giving away what they sell.
Oil Executives To Begin Spending Profits
In an unprecedented move, the Oil Executives of America, together marched to their local Bentley dealer and began spending their profits. This marks day one of a projected 1,000,000,000,000 day spree.
Packers Cause Packing Melee In Stadium
The Green Bay Packers have gone on a packing spree, packing everything in sight on the field. A partial list would include: goalposts, seats, chalk lines..even the referee was packaged and taken away!
written by Anan E Maus, 14 February 2011
Mother Jones Declared Stupidest, Most Pointless Magazine of All Time!
Today, the magazine "Mother Jones," long known for it's inanity and irrelevancy, was declared the "Stupidest Magazine in History" by a panel of literary judges, some of whom were from Europe.
written by Anan E Maus, 14 February 2011