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New Gig For Brucie
Veteran entertainer Bruce Forsyth is setting out on a new career as a frontman for a popular internet search engine for cattle and sheep sales.
He's to be the new face of Comperethemarket.com
Blatter To Face Enquiry
FIFA President is to be investigated by the football governing body's Ethics committee for allegedly ignoring the payment of bribes.
He'll then be investigated by the Thuthics committee.
Fridge Owner Jailed
Manchester man Jack Smith has been jailed for 6 months after pleading guilty to leaving fridges in the back garden over night.
He was done for indesit exposure.
Man Utd Crowned Premiership Champions
Man Utd players received their Premiership medals this afternoon.
True to form, when Michael Carrick was presented with his medal by the Barclays representative, he gave it straight back.
Iceland Volcano Erupts
Iceland's most active volcano Grimsvotn has started to erupt.
British Airways have cancelled all flights due to leave UK airports this Tuesday.
Miami Dolphins Facing Liquidation Threat
American football giants Miami Dolphins are facing the spectre of liquidation after posting record losses for 2010/11.
Dolphins owner Stephen Ross has called in the wide receiver.
Man Utd's Parade Route Revealed
Man Utd have confirmed the route their parade bus will take if they beat Barcelona in the Champions League final next weekend.
The bus will go through every borough in London.
Lennon Lyrics Sell For £145,000
John Lennon's hand written lyrics for "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" have sold for £145,000 in an auction in New York.
So it was all about LSD then.
IMF Abbreviation Clarified
Its short for "I Merely Fondle"
Sheen's 2 And A Half Men Replacement Named
Warner Brothers Television has revealed the identity of Charlie Sheen's replacement on the hit show "Two And A Half Men".
Its Mel Gibson.
Sarkozy Threat To Punch Editor
Pretty pointless as the satirical magazine folded in 2002.....
Convoy Movie Rereleased
The 1978 trucker film "Convoy", which starred Kris Kristofferson, is being re-released later this year.
Although the film was panned by most critics, the trailer was well received.
Led Zep Tribute Band Robbed
A Led Zeppelin tribute band have had their guitars stolen from one of the group's home.
Although police enquiries are continuing, its believed that the thieves came In Through The Out Door.
Pundits have reacted angrily to the news that the Vuvuzela is to be banned form London 2012.
Paul Merson commented "I think every South American country should be allowed to attend".
Tennyson Poem For London 2012
A Tennyson poem is to be used to inspire the UK at London 2012.
The quote will be placed on the door of the team's hotel.
It will read :
"This gig cost £900 million. Don't feckin' blow it".
David Hayes' next fight against one of the Klitschko brothers is to be shown on a U.S cable channel.
Its being labelled as "WBO BO on HBO".
Charlie Sheen Latest
Warner Brothers have confirmed that they've sacked Charlie Sheen, star of the hit show "Two And A Half Men".
Shhen is now reputedly producing a film of his life story, "Two And A Half Brandies".
Doctors Using Hi Tech Dummies
NHS doctors are training on sophisticated dummies to prepare them for most crises, its been revealed.
Debutantes from Westminster and Kensington are keen on applying.
New Shrimp Named After Aberdeen Scientist
A new species of shrimp found in the North Sea has been named after the Aberdeen University scientist who discovered it.
The shrimp will be known as Wullie Fae Peterheid.
Police Chief Calls For "No Fans Games"
Following the violence on and off the park at the Old Firm game, police chief Les Gray has is urging that games take place with no fans present.
Hamilton Accies v Dundee United already qualifies.
More Celebrity Endorsements
The latest celebrity to endorse a product is legendary 60's and 70's singer, Glen Campbell.
He's to endorse a new heartburn cure, Gaviscon.
New Airline Announced
A brand new cut price airline is being launched next week. It saves money by only using recycled air and warns fliers they may experience a blocked nose or heavy phlegm.
Its called Catarrh Airways.
Scotland Rugby Crisis
Scotland, hot favourites for the rugby wooden spoon , have 6 players on the treatment table after defeat to Ireland.
Unfortunately, they're all likely to recover in time for Twickenham.
McCartney Ballet For New York
An EP is out now as a taster for Paul McCartney's first ballet score :
The Continuing Story Of Bungalow Billy Elliot
Please Plier Me
Carry That Weight
Why Don't We Do It In The Rond ?
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