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Man Speaks With Forked Tongue
There was confusion today in a London pub when a man tried to order a round of drinks but spoke with a forked tongue.
'I couldn't understand a word he said,' explained Reg,the barman.
High waisted keen amateur gardener Simon Cowell has brought out a range of fancy gardening tools.
'Cowell's Trowels' are available in all good Gardening Centres from Monday.
Kate Middleton Gets Cold Feet
In Royal News,Kate Middleton was seen buying the Box Set of popular Award winning 90's Drama 'Cold Feet' in Tesco's in London.
'It's my Mum's favourite programme,' she said.
Neil Warnock Denies Nickname Rumours
In Sport News, QPR manager Neil Warnock has denied that people sometimes call him horrid names.
'Colin Wanker isn't an anagram of my name,' he said.
'It is you know' said an insider.
Arcade Fire's Tyres
Canadian Rock Superstars Arcade Fire have brought out a range of affordable Bicycle Tyres to help cyclists everywhere.
'Just in case the Band goes Tits up' said singer Win Butler.
Barefoot Lady Wins 1000 Guineas
Racing News just in, a Barefoot Lady has won the 1000 Guineas race, which is a remarkable 'feet' in itself!
'She's just very quick' said Trainer, Richard Fahey.
Man Wins Marathon As Wife Wins Snicker
As Boston marathon winner Geoff Mutai celebrated, he was totally unaware that 3 miles away his wife had won a box of Snickers in a Church raffle. Wife Brenda said 'I don't even like them.'
Baked Bean Found In Aldi Beans Tin
Student Phil Yurboots, 36, from Swindon was amazed when he opened a tin of Aldi's own brand beans and found nearly a dozen beans inside.
'I hope their standards aren't slipping,' said Phil.
Holly Willoughby Has Baby Girl
In Entertainment news popular airhead presenter Holly Willoughby is celebrating the birth of her new baby girl.
'We're calling her Holly,' said Holly.
Popular Hollywood hardman and gravel voiced actor Vin
Diesel has designed a lovely range of pop up kitchen waste disposal units.
'Vin's Bins' will be available in all good department stores.
Popular Australian celebrity Dannii (cleverly spelt with 2 ii's yeah right) Minogue has designed a range of DAB radio's.
They will be known as 'Danni's Trannies' and are in stores from Monday.
Those ultra popular brothers from Bolton, Peter and Vernon Kay have launched a lovely range of Dinner Trays.
"Kay's Trays" go on sale from Monday in all good department stores, especially M&S.
Ant 'n' Decs Specs
Those Popular funsters Ant and Dec have launched a range of trendy reading glasses called "Ant 'n' Decs Specs".
They will be on sale from Monday in all good department stores.
Popular Millionaire Simon Cowell has expanded his Business Empire by introducing a range of Kitchen and Bathroom Towels in Parnership with M&S.
"Cowell's Towels" are on sale from Monday.
Steve Bruce Breaks Down
Sunderland Manager Steve Bruce broke down crying earlier today when a Liverpool fan shouted to him that ' his head was bigger than a Space Hopper.'
'It's a bit cruel really that,' said Steve.
Lady Cuts Nose Off To Spite Face
In what can only be described as a brutal act of self-mutilation, housewife June Srewloose cut her nose off.
'That'll teach it to sneeze without asking,' she shrieked.
Fu Man Shoe
Korean Snooker player Marco Fu is opening a chain of Male only footwear shops. They will called 'Fu Man Shoe'.
Dog Bites The Hand That Feeds!
In a nasty little incident, Paul, a Schnauzer Puppy from Germany bit his owner Kevin whilst eating a biscuit.
'He's just hungry' said Kevin.
Hotel Room No Bible Policy
New Hotel Chain ' Travel Dodgy' has caused outrage by not having The Bible in rooms.
A travel spokesman said 'It's the first thing people look for.This will never catch on.'
Mars Bar Duo Scam Exposed.
Inventor of the Mars Duo, chocolatier Sir Humphrey Wispa has admitted It's just a Mars Bar cut in half.
' I just cut a Mars Bar in half and changed the wrapper,' said Humphrey.
Fly Found In Ointment
Unhygenic news now, and Beryl Frisk, 63, from Troon had a shock when she bought her usual wrinkle cream, opened it up and found a fly inside!
'I won't be buying that again,' said Beryl.
Sesame Street Closed For Roadworks
There was chaos this morning on Sesame Street when it was closed for road re-surfacing repairs which could last up to three months.
Popular neighbours Burt & Ernie said 'The traffic's terrible.'
Glacier Mint Stars In Suicide Pact
Terry Fox and Mike Polar Bear,the original stars of the Fox's Glacier Mint Empire have both been found dead in their New York Penthouse.
A friend said 'They were worried about their rent payments.'
Mr Magoo Fails Eye Test
Famous Hollywood Cartoon Character Mr Magoo failed his eye test today for the 40th year running.
'They really are the worst set of Mince Pies I've ever seen,' said Eye specialist Cockney Dave.
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