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Moaner Lisa Always Moaning
It's official. Lisa Butcher, 26, from Spalding is the biggest moaner in the country.
'It's an honour to win the Biggest Moaner Trophy,' said Lisa. 'I love moaning me. Moan, moan moan.'
Da Vinci Wins Painting Contract
Local painter and decorator Martin Da Vinci has won a contract to paint Wythenshawe library from top to bottom, inside and out.
'It's great news,' beamed Martin.
The Eagle Has Landed
Great news from Whipsnade Zoo today where Reg, the Golden Eagle has finally stopped sulking and come down from the top of the tree he'd been perched on. 'He's an awkward sod,' said Len, his trainer.
Hitler Changes Name
Mobile DJ Andy Hitler has changed his name after his musical roadshow 'The Hit List' had no bookings last year.
It's been shit really,' said Andy. I'd never heard of the other geezer.
Man Spots 101 Dalmations
Furniture removal man Ken Wood thought he had spots before his eyes yesterday as white and black blurry blobs bounced past him for what seemed like ages.
'98,99,100,101,' I knew it was them said Ken.
Escapologist Cheats Death Again
Legendary Belgian Escapologist Gitme Ootahear,54,has once again cheated death.Chained and left to drown in a big glass tank,he simply swam to the bottom,pulled the plug out.The water drained away.
Juan Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest
Legendary Spanish Film Producer Pedro Almodavar has announced he is filming a new all Spanish Production of his favourite,the classic film, to be called 'Juan Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest.'
Man Speaks With Forked Tongue
There was confusion today in a London pub when a man tried to order a round of drinks but spoke with a forked tongue.
'I couldn't understand a word he said,' explained Reg,the barman.
High waisted keen amateur gardener Simon Cowell has brought out a range of fancy gardening tools.
'Cowell's Trowels' are available in all good Gardening Centres from Monday.
Kate Middleton Gets Cold Feet
In Royal News,Kate Middleton was seen buying the Box Set of popular Award winning 90's Drama 'Cold Feet' in Tesco's in London.
'It's my Mum's favourite programme,' she said.
Neil Warnock Denies Nickname Rumours
In Sport News, QPR manager Neil Warnock has denied that people sometimes call him horrid names.
'Colin Wanker isn't an anagram of my name,' he said.
'It is you know' said an insider.
Arcade Fire's Tyres
Canadian Rock Superstars Arcade Fire have brought out a range of affordable Bicycle Tyres to help cyclists everywhere.
'Just in case the Band goes Tits up' said singer Win Butler.
Barefoot Lady Wins 1000 Guineas
Racing News just in, a Barefoot Lady has won the 1000 Guineas race, which is a remarkable 'feet' in itself!
'She's just very quick' said Trainer, Richard Fahey.
Man Wins Marathon As Wife Wins Snicker
As Boston marathon winner Geoff Mutai celebrated, he was totally unaware that 3 miles away his wife had won a box of Snickers in a Church raffle. Wife Brenda said 'I don't even like them.'
Baked Bean Found In Aldi Beans Tin
Student Phil Yurboots, 36, from Swindon was amazed when he opened a tin of Aldi's own brand beans and found nearly a dozen beans inside.
'I hope their standards aren't slipping,' said Phil.
Holly Willoughby Has Baby Girl
In Entertainment news popular airhead presenter Holly Willoughby is celebrating the birth of her new baby girl.
'We're calling her Holly,' said Holly.
Popular Hollywood hardman and gravel voiced actor Vin
Diesel has designed a lovely range of pop up kitchen waste disposal units.
'Vin's Bins' will be available in all good department stores.
Popular Australian celebrity Dannii (cleverly spelt with 2 ii's yeah right) Minogue has designed a range of DAB radio's.
They will be known as 'Danni's Trannies' and are in stores from Monday.
Those ultra popular brothers from Bolton, Peter and Vernon Kay have launched a lovely range of Dinner Trays.
"Kay's Trays" go on sale from Monday in all good department stores, especially M&S.
Ant 'n' Decs Specs
Those Popular funsters Ant and Dec have launched a range of trendy reading glasses called "Ant 'n' Decs Specs".
They will be on sale from Monday in all good department stores.
Popular Millionaire Simon Cowell has expanded his Business Empire by introducing a range of Kitchen and Bathroom Towels in Parnership with M&S.
"Cowell's Towels" are on sale from Monday.
Steve Bruce Breaks Down
Sunderland Manager Steve Bruce broke down crying earlier today when a Liverpool fan shouted to him that ' his head was bigger than a Space Hopper.'
'It's a bit cruel really that,' said Steve.
Lady Cuts Nose Off To Spite Face
In what can only be described as a brutal act of self-mutilation, housewife June Srewloose cut her nose off.
'That'll teach it to sneeze without asking,' she shrieked.
Fu Man Shoe
Korean Snooker player Marco Fu is opening a chain of Male only footwear shops. They will called 'Fu Man Shoe'.
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