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Obama Says Progress Being Made in Afghanistan
In related news, the existence of Santa Claus has been scientifically verified, and a cow was recently observed jumping over the moon.
Obama And Congress Celebrate Tax Cuts and Spending Hikes
Wearing party hats made in China, leaders toasted President Bush. Asked about the deficit, one member shouted "I'll drink to that." Representatives from future generations were unable to attend.
Hillary calls latest leaks "an attack on the whole world"
When reminded that the US isn't the only country in the world she replied "I'm talking about real countries, not like, you know, Batswana or something. Don't leak me on that."
Scientists Still Searching For Honest Politician
"Not all politicians are dishonest like Tom DeLay," a spokesman said. "Just the ones we know about. We're moving our search to the local level where the temptations aren't so great."
McDonald's Announces "Turkey On The Go" For Thanksgiving Day Shoppers
Shoppers enjoyed a Thanksgiving meal at the Food Court in the mall. Ordered "family style", the meals include "fortune cookies" called McThanks. "We want to keep the spirit alive," an official said.
Man Posing As Taliban Leader Misled NATO
A man posing as a Taliban leader told NATO that Osama bin Laden was in Afghanistan instead of Pakistan - and was paid millions. "We found out he gave us a phony address," an official commented.
Dems and Republicans Agree To Ignore The Deficit
In a rare show of unity, both parties agreed to let the nation hurtle toward bankruptcy. Releasing a joint statement, they said "Plenty of talk, but no painful choices. That's what people want."
Afghans Growing Weary Of Foreign Troops In Their Country
"Foreign policy is different from chess in that way," Secretary of State Clinton was heard muttering in frustration. In chess, the pawns never complain."
bin Laden Celebrates 10th Year of US War In Afghanistan
Commenting from his villa in Pakistan, bin Laden noted the fact that US casualties in Iraq and Afghanistan are now more than double those in his Sept.11 attacks: "It's great entertainment," he said.
Climate Change Summit - Will There Be Progress?
Will 195 sovereign nations agree on a climate change accord in Mexico this December? Could 195 snowballs come together to stop global warming in hell?
Illegal Aliens Proven To Be Human Beings
An autopsy performed on an illegal immigrant shot by an angry American showed that he was a human being, not an alien invader from outer space. Congressmen from border states dispute the finding.
Don't Ask Don't Tell
While unanimously agreeing on a $726 Billion Defense bill, members of the U.S. congress feverishly debated how many gay angels would fit on the head of a pin.
Serenity Prayer Revised for Modern Times
God grant me the serenity to accept nothing
The courage to complain about everything
And the wisdom to know that I am always right.
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