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Cat cruelty rules
Cat cruelty such as throwing random felines into wheelie bins is 'acceptable and reasonable' according to a recent survey in Dogs UK magazine.
Chair gets desk
Great Harwood chairperson, Ralph 'Ralph Pepper' Pepper, has been given a desk job. A colleague remarked "He's been part of the furniture for many years." The colleague was later killed.
Aid to Pakistand has been sent in the form of powdered water. The sachets are easy to transport and just require clean water adding to the powder.
A spam filter at the Co-op in Leyland prevented purchasing staff from buying Spam.
Wetwang wules the web.
The bustling metropolis of Wetwang in East Yorkshire is the subject of more news stories than any other city on earth, according to some web blokes at IBM or somewhere.
Diane Abbott shock news
It has been revealed that Labour leader candidate Diane Abbott is white but 'blacks up' to secure ethnic votes.
In a bid to compete with the booming private medical sector NHS chiefs are offering free blow jobs to all patients.
Dating websites unfair
Spokesperson for Figs makes official complaint about Dating websites claiming unfair bias towards one fruit.
A bald man from Gateshead awoke from a transplant operation to find a kidney sewn onto his head. The surgeon admitted he was working in the wrong clinic that day.
Hospital staff laughed at a man who suffered a fatal heart attack whilst reading a pamphlet about the risk of heart attacks. Doctor Jennifer Hmmmm said "It was hilarious. Even his wife giggled."
Hat-trick for Stuart
Well known local moron, Stuart Holepunch, caused a stir at the Wetherby Market Traders Convention when he cut off both ears so his new hat would fit better. He told us "What?"
Peter Kay hates modern life
Fat Bolton comedian Pater Kay has denounced modern life as 'crap' and yearns for the 70's and 80's because he liked Spangles and Quattro.
Microsoft supremo, Bilious Gates, has announced that the next version of the popular operating system will be called Windows 6 just "fuck with people's minds".
Jagged staples have been banned from all UK offices. A 35 page H&S policy document outlined the reasons but got separated and now the last few pages are missing.
Caffeine drinks rip off
Health experts are warning that popular caffeine energy drinks are not strong enough to have any significant impact on the drinker. Health spokesman, Dirk Made-Up-Name, said "Speed or E's are better."
Recently released serial rapist, Piers Pressure, has been voted Kindest, Most Attentive Rapist by readers of Rapist UK magazine.
Good god almighty
Residents of Congleton, Cheshire were alarmed to discover that god does not exist. Mayor Crosby 'Stills and' Nash has already decided to convert the now defunct churches into brothels and shit.
The entire population of little-known Pacific island, Dentura, is allergic to cheese. The island is home to just one man, Brian Samsung, who told reporters "I fucking hate cheese."
In a staggering turn of events every microphone in the UK has stopped working en masse. A shocked Harold Mousemat, director at UK Microphone Warehouse, said " ".
Signed, sealed, dead...
A man who tried to send himself to Corfu to save holiday expenses has died after sealing himself in a box before realising he couldn't carry himself to the Post Office.
Well known celebrities are three times more likely to appear in celebrity tittle-tattle magazines than unknown mechanics called Dave from Preston accordingly to a new study in Celebrity Bollocks Mag.
Former Bolton Wanderers manager, Gary Megson, claims to have invented gravity and the spreadsheet.
Pie contest winners outraged
Winners of pie eating contests across Europe are incensed after discovering their statistics have been collated and displayed using a bar chart and not a pie chart.
What's in a name?
New evidence from the German Cheese Board suggests people called Peter are twice as likely to have their name shortened to 'Pete' than people called Alison.
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