Showing snippets written by Philip Wright.
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Chilean miners trapped until Xmas
The rescue effort to free Chilean miners is likely to take 4months: President Sebastian Pinera has said that the number 1 priority is to drill a hole big enough for a christmas tree to be sent down.
Former England manager reveals drink superstition
Sven Goran Eriksson has revealed how he used to drink a "Becks" whenever Beckham scored and a "Sol" whenever Sol Campbell did. The Swede then added, "I'm glad Dave Seaman was in goal."
Mel Gibson scared of shadow
Mel Gibson is the source of many jokes after he was frightened by his own shadow. The actor caught sight of his shadow behind him on a wall and shouted, "S**t! Sorry! I thought that was a black man!"
Eastenders cast on strike
The cast of "Eastenders" have gone on strike. Fans of quality, well-produced television are reported to be, "overjoyed."
Christian Bale stuck in traffic
Batman actor, Christian Bale, was left furious when roadworks made him 11seconds late for work. He apparently told workmen he would, "Trash your f***ing temporary lights."
Sir Henry Cooper haunted by 1963 incident
Former boxer, Sir Henry Cooper, revealed how knocking down but not knocking out Muhammad Ali in 1963 has always haunted him. Cooper said he intends to fly to America next month to, "Finish the job."
Buckingham Palace release stats
The Palace have revealed that 90% of the Queen's engagements for the next 12months are "public relations," of which 84% of those are "Repairing damage to public relations- caused by Prince Philip."
David Beckham's heart in right place
Victoria Beckham asked that her present from David be, "A nice photo of you and the boys."
Posh was left disappointed when she unwrapped a framed photograph of her husband and the England squad.
Brian May speaks out on Jedward
Queen's guitarist, Brian May, has finally broken his silence over Jedward's version of Queen song, "Under Pressure." He claimed, "Freddie would turn in his grave if he wasn't cremated."
England Manager unsure of who retired Wes was.
Fabio Capello was unsure of who the retired Wes Brown actually was. He was overheard asking, "Is he the fella that looks like a Werther Original shagged a Wotsit?" Stuart Pearce responded, "Yes."
Beckham's intelligence questioned again
David Beckham's intelligence has been called into question yet again, after his son Romeo asked if he'd take him to see a meteor shower. Becks responded, "Why? You've got a walk-in one here."
Education Secretary faces axe
Education Secretary, Michael Grove, faces the axe after describing schools as "more better."
Hawking buys new wheelchair
Stephen Hawking has splashed out on a brand new wheelchair. The chair developed by NASA features SKY Plus and a toaster in the armrest. Hawking said his purchase left him feeling, "Out of this world."
Take That Reunion Over Already?
Bandmates, Mark Owen and Robbie Williams have seriously fallen out after Mark was asked what he thought of Robbie's swanky wedding clothes; "It's like sprinkling glitter on dog s**t," he replied.
World Sauna Championships
It's been revealed that the competitor who died during The World Sauna Championships in Finland yesterday, was "hot favourite."
New Wembley Surface
The FA announced this morning that the Wembley surface will be relayed with old copies of newspapers. A spokesman defended this bizarre decision by saying that "England are a good team on paper."
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