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JLS condom range for Durex a success.
Pop band JLS have been amazed at the popularity of their JLS (Just Love Safe) range of condoms for Durex.
Apparently they have become a favourite of Wayne Rooney, who thought it stood for 'JUST LIE STILL!'
Madame Tussauds wins award.
It's official. As a result of excessive plastic surgery, the wax-work figure of Katie Price at Madame Tussauds has been voted 'more life-like than the real thing'.
Piers Morgan thrilled to be taking over from Larry King.
Piers Morgan is looking forward to taking over from Larry King. 'The best bit is that I've been told I can wear suspenders on TV', he said excitedly.
'Wayne Rooney has the penis of a 5 year old', declares wife, Coleen.
Police have confirmed that they are questioning Wayne, who was allegedly using it as a key-ring.
'I had S&M sessions with Rooney', claims prostitute
'Before we went up to his hotel suite I asked him if his room had cable',claims Juicy Jeni.
'No, we'll make do with the duct-tape that I use on Coleen', answered Rooney.
Archbishop of Canterbury defends 'same-sex' marriage
'I can't see what all the fuss is about concerning same-sex marriage', says Dr Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury.
'I've been having same sex with my wife for years.'
Coleen Rooney suspected her marriage to Wayne was in trouble
'I suspected things were not right when he started doing odd things that he hadn't done before', said Coleen.'Like opening the car door for me.....well we were doing 70mph up the M6 at the time!'
Wayne Rooney's own cousin brands him a 'pervert'
'I feel that even my own family are against me', whines Rooney.'Even my own cousin Natalie has called me a dirty pervert. That's the last time I'll shag her up the arse!'
'I have high sex-drive', claims Rooney.
'I won't deny I've got a high sex drive', admits Rooney. 'I used to shag anything with two legs and then thought, hey why restrict myself?'
Wayne Rooney admits to being close to his mum.
'Coleen became to be like a mother to me', confessed Wayne Rooney. 'Except that we didn't have sex quite as often.'
Wayne Rooney: 'Two's company, three's fantastic!'
'Sex between two people can be a wonderful thing', admits Wayne Rooney. 'I know as I've had sex in beween two people.'
Rooney pays £200 for post-coital cigarette
'I always smoke for five minutes immediately after sex', confesses Wayne Rooney.
'Coleen says it's because I do it too quickly'.
Rooney admits to 'threesome' sex sessions.
'I did have a threesome',admits Rooney. 'Helen was a real cheeky monkey, but Juicy Jeni was definately the organ-grinder
'I have a high regard for women', insists Wayne Rooney.
'I do not see girls as sex objects', insisted Wayne Rooney.
'If any do object to sex, I just bung them a few quid.'
Coleen still loves philandering husband Wayne.
'Love must indeed be blind', said Coleen Rooney.'Otherwise why on earth did I marry that ugly bastard?'
Wayne Rooney declared a Retard.
It's official! Wayne Rooney has the brain of a three year-old.
Apparently Coleen discovered it hidden in the bottom of Wayne's wardrobe.
Rooney blames current sex scandal on his deafness
'Oh, they were vice girls', he exclaimed. 'I thought they said they were nice girls!'
Coleen Rooney says she can't change husband Wayne.
'I never tried to change Wayne',said Coleen. 'That's what plastic-surgeons are for.'
Rooney defends 'paying for sex'.
'Prostitutes are living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy', said Rooney yesterday, (misquoting Benjamin Franklin).
'Juicy' Jennifer Thompson to meet Pope.
Pope Benedict has asked for a meeting with prostitute Jennifer Thompson, during his UK tour. 'She seems like a good Catholic girl in need of guidance', he said. ' She's welcome to bring a friend!'
Rumours that Katie Price has changed her car are false.
Katie Price has not swopped her Range Rover for a car from a popular Swedish manufacturer. The News of the World head-line should have been:
'Paparazzi get snaps of Jordan's vulva!'
Katie Price stranded in Tripoli
Katie Price is stranded in Lybia's capital, Tripoli as a result of a 'google' search error. She was actually searching for labia surgery.
Dragon's Den humiliation for Calendar Company
A novelty calendar company failed to secure any offer of funding in this week's BBC programme. Duncan Bannatyne summed up the mood of the Dragons. 'Calendars, their days are numbered.....I'm out!'
Camerons' confirm Cornish name for daughter.
After the premature and unexpected birth in Cornwall yesterday, David and Sarah Cameron have honoured their promise to give their newborn daughter a Cornish name...Pasty Cameron!
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