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Kim Jong il gravest threat yet
Sources close to North Korean leader,Kim Jong iL,say he wants South Korea to suffer for humiliating him. He muttered "I'rr get dem in the rong grass" as he watched South Korean/US war games on TV.
Pope reaching out - to space
The Pope is to deliver his Christmas message this year in Klingon in a bid to reach out to students of the 'world's fastest growing language.' "Fock a chock, buck buck!" said one Klingon student.
Hawking questions modern language
Stephen Hawking says US-led phenomenon of finishing all sentences like a question will kill off questions as we know them. "It's bad grammar!*#" ,he said without any intonation or variation of pitch.
Britain can be great again
The World Cup ceremonies were pants, we can beat that. Let's wheel out Thatcher for a spin about London in 2012 and smile anyone who has recently had dental work. We can be Great Britain once more!
Cheryl's Malaria choosy about host
Cheryl Tweedy-Cole-Tweedy lobbyists are adamant that her Malaria strain could not be caught by 'commoners' and therefore should be reclassified as 'Cherylaria'.
WHO is fiercely resisting the move.
Man dies in freak accident
Author Germaine Greer is being held for questioning after a man who held a hotel door open for her mysteriously died at the scene. "He simply refused to breathe." Said the famous feminist.
MILFF gets huge cock
The President of the Mothers In London Fowl Fanciers has been presented with a rooster on a visit to Yangbi Huang province, China. The Yangbi Huang breed of rooster can grow up to 35 cm long.
Woman "It was like a babies arm holding an apple"
A woman is recovering from being struck on the head by an apple thrown by a baby from a flat above.
The woman said, "I was like, walking. I like, looked up. I saw the baby armed with like, fruit."
Whitehouse tight lipped on cleanup
A tourist claims they accidentally walked in on Barack Obama bathing with two nubian ladies during a Whitehouse tour. "One girl said the royal weiner is clean your Presidentness."said the tourist.
Juvenile juice rejuvenates junior star
Junior star Arnold Swarznegger has been arrested for sucking blood from young hispanic runaways in Mexico's Cancun. Arnie was spotted tossing their dessicated husks over his shoulder like beer cans.
An Englishman's semi and his tombstone teeth
US impressions of the English have hit an all-time low following the Gulf Of Mexico spill. Typical comments were, "They've shite teeth. They live in egg boxes. They worship bumpkins like Cheryl Cole."
UK worker complains
A man complained en route to work today rhetorically cutting short his rant with"Oh what's the point!" The remark is expected to 'severely damage the green shoots of recovery' said a Tory spokesman.
BOJO worried by gay asylum seekers ruling
London Mayor, Boris Johnson said of the Supreme Court ruling that gay asylum seekers won't be sent back to homophobic countries, "Ye Gods! There'll be a huge swelling through Britain's back doors."
Alexander Graham Bell End
Alexander Graham Bell Park,Edinburgh, is to close. Among the favourite rides were the Twisty-wire thingy, Bakelite cup'n'saucer and the Ahoy there dodgem-cars. Bell is famous for work with the deaf
PR addict Jordan buried, no married, no I was right first time!
Refer to above.
Spyring busted by girl on bus
US intelligence sources have confirmed that leader of the Russian spyring in the USA wears a gabardine suit and has a bow-tie camera. He was first identified by a girl known only as 'Cathy'.
New balls please!
Serena Williams hit the Duke of Edinburgh in the trouser while serving at centre court today. Rumours that HRH was overheard enquiring about Miss Williams tribal heritage have yet to be confirmed.
Jean Michel Cousteau dies in diving shock.
Jacques Cousteau's son drowned today. A diver said the marine biologist (72) who had mild dementia became confused, removed his aqua lung and tried to sniff his fart underwater,choking on the bubbles.
Man in Bath devastated at two belly button find.
The Bath man was convinced he had a tiny penis until urologists told him that he has been urinating from a second belly button connected to his urethra since birth.For the interested both are outies.
Electrocuted Hoff pops his body.
David Hasslehoff danced like Peter Crouch front of a live audience at America's Got Talent after static fron his nylon thong arced to his pacemaker. Piers Morgan and Sharon Osbourne buzzed him off.
Surgeon removes entire ladygarden - gets suspended
An surgeon at Guys hospital blames hearing aid failure after he removed the entire external genitalia(vulva)of a woman who reported with a vuvuzela stuck in her throat. Mr Nodookie has been suspended.
Real IRA vuvuzelas shipment foiled by Isle of Man police
A vuvuzela shipment bound for the Real IRA (RIRA) was found at Douglas (IOM) by police. Security sources are pleased. The RIRA said "We didn't want them anyway. Sure you can't say vuvuzela in Gaelic."
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