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Nick Clegg appears in court on car theft charge
Deputy PM Nick Clegg was released on bail today, accused of stealing a new Bentley from a showroom. "There were some leaflets with a sign saying 'Please take one'" he told reporters, "so I did".
British Formula 1 driver arrested for speeding
Lewis Hamilton, Formula 1 driver, was arrested by police for speeding today. "The officer asked me if I thought I was Stirling Moss" he said, "When I said no, I'm Lewis Hamilton, he arrested me".
Wayne Rooney resting after writing off new car
Wayne Rooney, Manchester United striker, is resting at home after crashing his brand new £253,000 Lamborghini Aventador just yards from the showroom. He said "Sometimes I just can't control my feet".
Bill McKibben "comfortable" in hospital
Bill McKibben, founder of 350.org, a campaign to avert global warming, is recovering from hypothermia in a Washington hospital, after attending the Forward on Climate Rally in freezing conditions.
Crystal Ball cancelled at short notice
Wigan: A special "Crystal Ball" dinner-dance for clairvoyants and their clients was cancelled last night, due to unforeseen circumstances.
Air Force One to be upgraded
Air Force One is to be fitted with special "balloon" tires to enable it to use grass airstrips and fairways. "We need to be able to reach the president wherever he's at work" said a USAF spokesman.
Met Office explains poor record on forecasting
"The little man in the Swiss weather house turned out to be gay" said a spokesperson yesterday "Though rain was due he just wouldn't come out".
Arizona School Board cracks down on weapons
"We'll search the kids on the way in" said a spokesman, "If they haven't got any guns, knives or drugs, we'll give 'em some".
EPA to rename CO2 in March
The Environmental Protection Agency will refer to carbon dioxide as carbon dioxin from March 2013, to emphasise danger to human health. Soft drinks manufacturers have 6 months to change labelling.
XL pipeline to be rerouted through Mexico
A govt. spokesman announced the re-routing today. "We get enough wetbacks coming the other way, giving Mexico something we don't want should restore the balance somewhat".
Peace for our time
British PM Neville Chamberlain couldn't understand German. The paper he waved on the steps of his aircraft at Heston on his return from Munich in 1938 was actually an order for 2000 Spitfires.
Al Gore: It all adds up
Al Gore says that climate-change sceptics don't get it. The science and mathematics are clear. Half of the "deniers" are ill-informed, half ignore the facts, and the other half are just plain wrong.
A team of Democrat senators visited Rhode Island this morning to assess the effects of rising sea levels. Unfortunately the tide was out at the time.
Patience Wearing Thin
Every five minutes, a car is stolen in Greater London. Police have told the owner to replace the tyres before they wear below the legal limit.
An Inconvenient Length
President Obama admitted to reporters at a White House press conference that he'd not read the 1000-page Kerry-Lieberman draft climate bill. "I'm waiting for Al Gore to make the movie".
Grain of Salt Needed
A spokesman for the UK's Met Office (weather bureau) explained to reporters why a volcanic ash concentration equivalent to two sand grains in a bathtub was a hazard to jet aircraft.
The Last Straw
A man who held a gun to the head of the pilot of a New York to Miami flight shouting "Take me to Miami!" explained to Miami police that on his last two trips the plane had been hijacked to Cuba.
Ash Cloud Grounds UK Flights
The source of the ash cloud which grounded flights over the south of Britain has been traced to a Cuban man smoking a king-size cigar at the rear of terminal 2 at Heathrow Airport.
Bovvered I'm not
The inaugural meeting of the British Apathy Society has been cancelled due to lack of support.
The Land of the Setting Sun
What's likely to be the last reunion of the Japanese Kamikaze Pilot's Association has been held in a telephone kiosk in downtown Tokyo
Nut Screws Washers and Bolts
An escaped lunatic is being sought by police around Broadmoor after he attacked and raped three women in a nearby laundry.
Essex Man Scoops £100 in Nigerian Lottery
Fred Gullible of Harlow has won a fortune in the Nigerian Lottery. "I got a nice email asking me to send £25,000 to cover expenses, so I sold my house. I'm expecting a cheque any day soon" he said.
Elephant Stops Train in India
The Delhi to Mumbai express was halted for more than two hours today, by an elephant on the track. "It was the wrong kind of elephant" a spokesman said.
London to Sidney rail tunnel announced
Plans have been unveiled for a direct London to Sidney rail tunnel. Trains will run twice a day though the 12,000 mile tunnel, travelling at up to 3000 mph, except through Kent.
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