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New Government Aid
The U.S. mint plans to alter the formula of its printing paper by adding spandex to the cotton. This is their way of helping with the economic hardship by helping Americans stretch a dollar.
A Los Angeles teen is being ostracized by his fellow skateboarders for never having broken a bone. He says he's not a bad skater, and frequently does rad tricks, but just can't seem to ever get hurt.
Bernake Defends His Tenure
Fed. chairman Ben Bernake says economy is fixed, and uses youtube videos of people playing with coins as evidence. He claims "since they have 2 nickels to rub together, they're not so poor afterall."
Reason for Glenn Beck's Wildness Discovered
Glenn Beck was arrested outside a Chucky Cheese for possession of crystal meth. When the DEA agents searched him, besides the meth, they found nothing else in his pockets but knives and lint.
House: The Lost Episode
In an unaired episode, House attempts to cure entire healthcare system by transplanting one of Dick Cheney's testicles the Obama. The testicle was obtained during Cheney's recent hospitalization.
Pirates Sue Companies
Media and software pirates sued companies for using the terms Bit Torrent and Peer-to-Peer. The pirates claim that they put creativity into coining these terms, and companies can't use them at will.
Community College Dean Summoned before Congressional Panel
A community college dean faces a congressional panel to answer questions on a shady endorsement scam. Companies had been paying the college to endorse products after merely glancing at photos.
Growing Trend in Japan
Young men in Japan are obsessed with bayonets. They saw American soldiers in movies use those weapons with honor and discipline, and now have replica bayonets hanging on the walls in their rooms.
M. Night Shyamalan's Super Twist
M. Night Shyamalan unveils ultimate twist: His last three movies were actually directed by Uwe Boll. He needed the time to create the ultimate thriller. There's hope yet.
Following their extension of the 1st amendment to give corporations the right to fund politics freely, the Supreme Court is about to extend the 2nd amendment to let individuals own nukes.
Boys Will Be Boys
Bill Clinton sneaked into the White House and flushed the toilet while Obama was in the Shower. Obama plans to retaliate simply by telling Hilary about the prank.
Entenders Can Sneak Up on You
Rachel Ray just realized she had been making soft porn all along. Her only regret: She could have been covering the meat with surround wrap and made sex-ed videos instead.
Recognizing Those Who Came Before
Obama organizes reunion of all actors who played black U.S. presidents. Joe Biden also called for a reunion of those who had played retarded VPs.
They Must Taste Their Own Medicine
A group of ingenious civil liberties advocates have tracked down a dominatrix who is patronized by right-wing politicians, and convinced her to add water-boarding to routine.
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