Showing snippets written by C. Cranium.
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Danes find Grendel
A long lost grave on the Danish coast has been identified as Grendel. The specimen was over seven feet tall. A spearpoint is lodged in the skull with archaic markings 'Beowolf'.
Which way to Nirvana?
You can't get there from here.
Cure for common cold found
Dr. Curly Howard has announced a breakthrough in Common Cold Remedies. Per Dr. Howard, "Don't get one and you won't have one".
Swedes Set Guinness Record
Stockholm, August 22, 2010. Four thousand three hundred and twelve nude Swedes picked their noses while standing on one foot to set new Guinness World Record.
New movie box office smash 'Encryption'
Steve Carel plays engraver who puts secret messages on Bowling Trophies.
Extreme Green -- wear shirt for seven days
Extreme Green Movement says: If you have 7 shirts and rotate them everyday you can go 7 weeks before laundry -- saving the environment and resources. Remember spaghetti stains are a badge of honor.
General Motors goes to two processors
Just like Intel's dual processor GM plans on new RV with a V8 per axle. Mileage predictions are 12 MPG per V8, but since there are two V8s the mileages is advertised as 24 MPG.
Bolt loses to Gay
Usain Bolt lost to Tyson Gay today. Pizza Hut & Heresy's large sponsors of Bolt claimed their products did not affect loss. Pizza Hut however will no longer provide Bolt w/ Pizza anytime anywhere.
New Home Heating Product Debuted
The 'Petrol Pal' will heat a normal house. It looks like a fireplace insert or wood stove. The fuel is sand saturated with crude oil. Purchase fuel or harvest at a nearby oil polluted beach.
Ain't No Cure for the Summertime Blues
Actually, there is a cure: 2 pts vodka, 1 pt gin, 1 pt whiskey (single malt if you've got it), 1 pt tequila, 1/8 tsp lime juice, and 1 medium ice cube. Mix and drain over ice cube. Chill. Enjoy.
Reality is Real, Really
New Reality Show goes on site of Real Reality Shows and confirms realness, or exposes when it isn't real.
Try the new Twinkies diet
The diet is easy. Day 1 -- all you can eat Twinkies, nothing else. Day 2 -- fast all day, unlimited water. Day 3 -- repeat 1. Day 4 through 7 -- fast, unlimited water. Guaranteed to lose 10#.
Play Keno on your grocery receipt
Utah has added Grocery Store Keno to the State Lottery Games. The check out clerk asks if you would like a Keno ticket in amount of your change. Say yes, and you receive an automated Keno card.
Goats as greens keepers
Hellyard Golf Course, Milk River, Alberta. The pros at Hellyard have fired their greens keeper, actually he's at college, and now have a goat grazing and fertilizing the greens/tees process.
Gold discovered in mouth
Do you have gold filings? At a thousand $$ per ounce you may be brushing a Bahamas holiday.
Aliens Prefer Pizza
While shooting a scene for the next Star Trek, The Spock Uhura Tragedy, Pine and Quinto were out voted by four hundred Romulan extras who wanted pizza over Thai.
House cats always want to be on the other side of door
Scientists studied to determine if cats really wanted to be on the other side of the door. The study had two identical environments with glass door. They still wanted to be on other side.
Cougar saves songbirds
Boris the cat was notorious for eating endangered song birds. An unnamed wild cougar, missing songbird songs, resolved the problem by eating Boris.
I just flew in from Newark
Henny Youngman we remember you, and boy are our arms tired. Happy Birthday Henny, 104 years old -- actually dead and gone.
Finally Boston in NBA Finals
Sports for Girls:
At Last Orlando Not in NBA Finals
Sports for girls:
Worldcup to have new ad friendly balls
Advertising dollars are pouring in for the privilege of having ads on footballs. As balls fly around the field, close-ups of the ball will have virtual advertising like, 'Time for a Guinness'.
One hand was warm and dexterous while the other was bare, cold and stiff. One glove was free in the wind while the other was bothered by fever and painful stretch.
Guru goes five years without breathing.
Ghengis Raj Singh, 63 of Prajec Probli, Kerla, claims that his skin absorbs oxygen rather than breathing. Scientists are doubting the claim and note that Ghengis eats lots of oxygen rich food.
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