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Vets Offer Special On Neutering

Half-off.

written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 14 October 2009
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Halle Berry Wins Nobel Piece Prize

The Nobel Commission issued a statement Friday calling this year's recipient "one hot piece of dark meat."

written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 09 October 2009
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New Firstmart Store To Be Built

Be there October 10th at 3pm for an innovative new ceremony to mark the beginning of the construction project, hailed by many as "groundbreaking."

written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 04 October 2009
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Local Oxcart Robbed

They stole 2 axles, 34 pounds of food, 612 bullets, and 1 ox.

written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 04 October 2009
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Chat With Riemers/Blakely Insurance Today

Because the worst is yet to come.

written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 04 October 2009
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Local Cat Doesn't Give a Shit What You Say

Davenport native cat Mittens knows he shouldn't jump in your lap when you are eating, but then again hey, fuck you.

written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 29 September 2009
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Washington Bails Out Detroit Again

Washington once again has helped a city down on it's luck with a track record of consistently poor management and rich, undeserving personnel when the Redskins lost to the Lions Sunday afternoon.

written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 29 September 2009
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Detroit Fans Wait For Hockey Season With Guns In Mouths

Watching the Tigers squander their division lead and dreading the worst-ever Lions' 2009 season, the Redwings are the only thing keeping Detroit fans from spraying their brains all over the carpet.

written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 18 September 2009
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Nationals Wish They Were In AL Central

The Washington Nationals organization expressed interest in relocating the team to Green Bay in order to join the AL Central, in which even the very worst team can come out on top.

written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 18 September 2009
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Diana Ross Appeal Goes to Supremes Court

Diana Ross' entourage of female singers are quoted as saying "Yeah, no, there's no way you should have to pay that parking ticket."

written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 15 September 2009
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Jay Leno Back to NBC

Jay Leno kicked off his prime time show last night, moving to an earlier slot so that he can eat his dinner at 3pm like everyone else his age.

written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 15 September 2009
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Tempest in City Hall

The chair of the County Zoning Board reported feeling "walked all over" when janitor Gregg Schlosberg stood on him to repair a lightbulb.

written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 15 September 2009
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Diet Coke Enjoyed Alongside Baconator

Claims adjuster and area fat-ass James "Jim" Mitkowski fooled no one this weekend by ordering a Diet Coke with his Wendy's "Baconator."

written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 14 September 2009
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Beyonce Slips Kanye a Fifty

When the celebs had gone home, when the red carpet had been rolled up, Beyonce could be seen giving Kanye West fifty dollars in the parking lot behind McDonalds, looking, according to sources, pissed.

written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 14 September 2009
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The Home Repot

Glue, nails, screws, cement; everything you need to piece together the shattered remains of your life after foreclosure.

written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 14 September 2009
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"Outlaw Inlaws" To Premiere Tuesday

See the gun-slingin', tobbaca-chewin' Phillip and Donna Huffington in this real-life nightmare from my Thanksgiving at my wife's parents in 2007. 9pm, ABC.

written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 10 September 2009
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Tiger Woods: "Hmm I'll Take A Five On That One"

After making a double bogey on the par 4 16th, Woods had his caddy record a five on the scorecard. As of press time, no one has dared to ask him about it.

written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 10 September 2009
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Least Popular Kid In Class Least Popular For A Reason

From her trademark kiss-ass questions to her ugly second-hand clothes, Meghan Halverson has deserved every single beating she has ever received.

written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 10 September 2009
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Swingline to Roll Out the S-260 Line

Legendary stapler manufacturer Swingline will introduce its new S-260 on Monday, tauting its sleek, cursive logo and ability to staple more than 10 pages without fucking binding every time.

written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 10 September 2009
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"That's What She Said" Elicits Its Final Laugh

Americans will celebrate on Friday evening, when the catch phrase "That's What She Said" will cause a momentary chuckle, marking the very last time it ever, ever will.

written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 10 September 2009
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Biden: I Faked That Orgasm

Vice President Joe Biden confessed to his wife in heated tones Thursday that, in addition to her being a dirty bitch, he has faked every orgasm with her, including those resulting in his children.

written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 10 September 2009
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Christianity Catching On

Based on a collection of lectures from Dr. Jesus Christ, carpenter and Professor Emeritus at Columbia University, this new wave of love and forgiveness have earned much buzz on Twitter and Facebook.

written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 10 September 2009
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Santa Got Run Over By Diabetes

Santa will find it slightly easier to squeeze down chimneys this year. After centuries of eggnog and cookies, Santa will have his left leg amputated this fall due to Type II diabetes.

written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 10 September 2009
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