Showing snippets written by Bob Jones Bulletin.
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Vets Offer Special On Neutering
Halle Berry Wins Nobel Piece Prize
The Nobel Commission issued a statement Friday calling this year's recipient "one hot piece of dark meat."
New Firstmart Store To Be Built
Be there October 10th at 3pm for an innovative new ceremony to mark the beginning of the construction project, hailed by many as "groundbreaking."
Local Oxcart Robbed
They stole 2 axles, 34 pounds of food, 612 bullets, and 1 ox.
Chat With Riemers/Blakely Insurance Today
Because the worst is yet to come.
Local Cat Doesn't Give a Shit What You Say
Davenport native cat Mittens knows he shouldn't jump in your lap when you are eating, but then again hey, fuck you.
Washington Bails Out Detroit Again
Washington once again has helped a city down on it's luck with a track record of consistently poor management and rich, undeserving personnel when the Redskins lost to the Lions Sunday afternoon.
Detroit Fans Wait For Hockey Season With Guns In Mouths
Watching the Tigers squander their division lead and dreading the worst-ever Lions' 2009 season, the Redwings are the only thing keeping Detroit fans from spraying their brains all over the carpet.
Nationals Wish They Were In AL Central
The Washington Nationals organization expressed interest in relocating the team to Green Bay in order to join the AL Central, in which even the very worst team can come out on top.
Diana Ross Appeal Goes to Supremes Court
Diana Ross' entourage of female singers are quoted as saying "Yeah, no, there's no way you should have to pay that parking ticket."
Jay Leno Back to NBC
Jay Leno kicked off his prime time show last night, moving to an earlier slot so that he can eat his dinner at 3pm like everyone else his age.
Tempest in City Hall
The chair of the County Zoning Board reported feeling "walked all over" when janitor Gregg Schlosberg stood on him to repair a lightbulb.
Diet Coke Enjoyed Alongside Baconator
Claims adjuster and area fat-ass James "Jim" Mitkowski fooled no one this weekend by ordering a Diet Coke with his Wendy's "Baconator."
Beyonce Slips Kanye a Fifty
When the celebs had gone home, when the red carpet had been rolled up, Beyonce could be seen giving Kanye West fifty dollars in the parking lot behind McDonalds, looking, according to sources, pissed.
The Home Repot
Glue, nails, screws, cement; everything you need to piece together the shattered remains of your life after foreclosure.
"Outlaw Inlaws" To Premiere Tuesday
See the gun-slingin', tobbaca-chewin' Phillip and Donna Huffington in this real-life nightmare from my Thanksgiving at my wife's parents in 2007. 9pm, ABC.
Tiger Woods: "Hmm I'll Take A Five On That One"
After making a double bogey on the par 4 16th, Woods had his caddy record a five on the scorecard. As of press time, no one has dared to ask him about it.
Least Popular Kid In Class Least Popular For A Reason
From her trademark kiss-ass questions to her ugly second-hand clothes, Meghan Halverson has deserved every single beating she has ever received.
Swingline to Roll Out the S-260 Line
Legendary stapler manufacturer Swingline will introduce its new S-260 on Monday, tauting its sleek, cursive logo and ability to staple more than 10 pages without fucking binding every time.
"That's What She Said" Elicits Its Final Laugh
Americans will celebrate on Friday evening, when the catch phrase "That's What She Said" will cause a momentary chuckle, marking the very last time it ever, ever will.
Biden: I Faked That Orgasm
Vice President Joe Biden confessed to his wife in heated tones Thursday that, in addition to her being a dirty bitch, he has faked every orgasm with her, including those resulting in his children.
Christianity Catching On
Based on a collection of lectures from Dr. Jesus Christ, carpenter and Professor Emeritus at Columbia University, this new wave of love and forgiveness have earned much buzz on Twitter and Facebook.
Santa Got Run Over By Diabetes
Santa will find it slightly easier to squeeze down chimneys this year. After centuries of eggnog and cookies, Santa will have his left leg amputated this fall due to Type II diabetes.
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