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In apparent homage to the recently "retired" Helen Thomas, ABC senior White House correspondent Jake Tapper today was seen in a bright red suit. "I got it at a Richard Pryor estate sale," said Jake.
Oy Vey, Helen
White House press corps doyenne Helen Thomas has retired under duress for her recent insane comments on the Jews. The Mossad said it should have no problem finding Helen in her customary red finery.
What The Puck?
The Chicago Blackhawks have won the Stanley Cup. No, really.
When Ass Jokes Go Bad
A Spoof.com writer couldn't sleep Friday night and wrote a series of juvenile, ass-related Snippets far beneath her usual fun offerings. When reached for comment, she said, "Go drunk, I'm away."
Silly Ass 3
A man has been with charged with Class X felony butt-stuffing, allegedly for accosting another man at Walgreens and making him steal two cameras and a Kit Kat bar for him, via the victim's colon.
Silly Ass 2
A man was arrested Saturday on a charge of misdemeanor butt-stuffing, which differs from felony butt-stuffing based upon the benign-ity and non-pointiness of items stuffed.
A man was arrested Friday night for felony butt-stuffing. Details later as we learn what's behind the story.
Be Your Own Intern!
NEW YORK, NY - Bill Clinton has announced that he is getting breast implants. "Ah'm just cuttin' out the middleman, playin' it close to the chest," said the former Prez.
So Much For Scuba-Diving....
NEW ORLEANS - President Obama will be visiting the BP disaster site on the Gulf today. "I don't know what we're gonna DO there," he said, "it's not like we can go in the water or anything."
TOLEDO, OH - A woman shot her husband today for discussing penis size on a city bus. When asked why, Mrs. Pindick Harris said she hadn't time to talk, as she was going to a sale at Vibrators-R-Us.
Short & To The Point
TOLEDO, OH - A man was laughed off a city bus yesterday for saying, "SIZE doesn't matter! You need only be a tender, caring lover!" The man, Pindick Harris, could not be reached for further comment.
The jury is to be seated today in the infamous Springfield wife-beating case. (No, not THAT one; THIS one: Marge Bouvier Simpson v. Homer Jay Simpson.)
And Who Will Win the Bony Award??
LA, CA - CreamWorks Pictures, a subsidiary of DreamWorks, LLC, announces its top three money-grossing porn films so far in 2010: "Anal Lana," "Chesty Doubledee's Big Tit Circus" and, "Slut-tasia."
"HERE, SHERRY! HERE, BRANDY!"
LONDON - The Royal Corgis are missing! Scotland Yard reports, "We've learned that the Duchess of York recently bought 14 pet carriers, so there may be a connection. The poor, little buggers!"
LA, CA - Snake-headed music exec Simon Cowell has sued M-TV over its newly-announced show, "The Douchebag Chronicles." Claims Cowell, "That's the working title of my autobiography!"
More SITUATION Comedy!
NEW YORK - M-TV has announced a new reality show for its fall season, entitled "The Douchebag Chronicles." Or, as it was previously known, "Jersey Shore."
All ABUZZ About Paris!
LIFETIME Television has announced a new reality show featuring Paris Hilton entitled, "The Dildo Chronicles." The thrust of the show was not available at press time.
Baby Baby Baby Oh... No!
The Disney Channel has announced it will begin production of "Leave It To Bieber," starring teen star Justin Bieber as your average, everyday, tousle-haired, Lexus-driving, pain-in-the-ass pubescent.
After last night's "Lost" series finale, "The Writers Go Ape-Shit," thousands of "Leeks" (Lost-Geeks) are walking around in circles mumbling, "WHAT the FUCK?? We're still confused! O God help us!"
LOST and Found
LOS ANGELES - In a surprise move, ABC television announced today that there will be a sequel to "LOST," entitled "LOST 2 - The Eating of Hurley."
President Sarkozy has given his hot wife, Carla Bruni, a vibrator for Christmas. "You know.... for when I am away," said Mr. Sarkozy. "Oui, thank you.... who are you, again?" responded Mrs. Sarkozy.
A Christmas Merger
The Grinch and Scrooge have merged. Look for the collected tales of "The Grinooge" at a bookseller near you.
Jesus Agrees - Christmas is Overrated
HEAVEN - Jesus Christ has announced that he's sickened by all the fol-de-rol surrounding Christmas. "Jesus Christ, it's just a birthday. Get a grip, people!"
Hail To The Chief..... Hottie!
President Obama has announced the banning of all things Oprah. "Jeez Louise, the woman chased my fine ass all OVER the White House!," said the Prez. "And the First Lady is PISSED!"
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