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Spitfire hunters in Burma discover crate...
Southern England brought to a standstill under eight inches of Cocaine
God takes responsibility, "I pushed the wrong button and dumped my stash by accident" He described how he realised his mistake after snorting three lines of snow and got a killer ice cream headache.
Old woman savegley beaten by 6 year old
She was beaten 12 times in a row at Stratego. Later she referred her grandson as a "Smart arsed little bastard!"
Boris Johnson saves woman from gang beating
But regretted it later when she said his policies sucked and she voted for Ken Livingstone. Boris said, "Ungrateful bitch! Next time I'll stay on my bike and mind my own business!"
Iron found on Mercury
A Surrey Housewife claimed the iron was hers, she had lost it whilst on holiday in July. She's since been pressing clothes under heavy books.
Fat kids say they don't want surgery!
They want more chocolate cake and buckets of lard instead.
Cameron says 'I'm up to the test'
"Come on then, ask me a question on anything you like! Sport, General knowledge. Anything. Geography, Films, Music, Homeopathy. Anything at all!
Dinosaur prints found in France
They appear to date from the early Jurassic Renaissance period where dinosaurs experimented with vibrant colours and bold shapes.
Half of Irish airline AirLingus to be sold
Lord Rupert Air, who owns half of Air Lingus is to sell his half to Irish entrepreneur Patrick Cuni. His partner Ryan Lingus said, "We'll change the airline's name appropriately".
David Cameron spells out New benefit cut plan.
"N, e, w, space, b, uh, e, n, um, e, f, e, no sorry, i, t, space, c, u, t, space, p, l, hmmm, a, n, full stop", Said Mr Cameron earlier today.
Homeopathy won't help when you're drowning in pig vomit!
PM Gordon Brown to fight anti social behaviour
He'll wear a mask and cape and be known as "The Masked Putty". He only comes out at night since daylight causes his face to melt. It's happened twice already; he's only 25
UK Police to sell stolen goods on eBay
Leicestershire Police said "It's OK when we do it!"
Gordon Brown says he does not roll over
But he does like to beg, play dead and have his tummy tickled. Also he catches frizbees in his mouth and can lick his own bollocks.
UK Miracle Skydiver Paul Lewis: Transcript of fall to earth released
You can spot main chute failure, reserve chute deploy then failure and eventual landing. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRHHHH...Phew! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRHHHHHH...Ooof! Phew!"
UN reports sharp drop in Afgan Opium
UN says the drop was caused by unfavourable weather and the locals not working hard enough. Supply should be back to normal next year.
Germany: Impatient Swiss ruins Mount Zugspitze
Nock couldn't wait for the next cable car and decided to walk up the cable himself, causing delays for hours and wrecking everyone's day. Eye witnesses said, "Impatient Twat!"
Dried Nasal Mucus: Eat more to survive
Scientists have revealed the secret for survival in the Australian Outback. "Nose goblins provide salt and essential protein", they say, "Bogeys or Witchetty grubs; your choice."
Blackberry Bee Man in stable condition
Man hospitalised after checking for email on blackberries. He got covered in juice and was attacked and partially eaten by bees.
Spokesman says, "Blackberry, Blackberries; easy mistake to make."
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