Showing snippets written by Daniel Bristol.
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Brits into Fascist tactics like censorship
So, you Brits are into the whole Fascist thing with censorship, too, hmm? Don't you have history books?
Lexington? Concord? Still bitter because America has the better fighters?
Al Qaeda using explosive tits.
MI5 has revealed that Al Qaeda is now using explosive tits to bring down airplanes. The new weapons are being referred to as KABOOBS.
Chuck Norris creates Kentucky Fried Chicken
Chuck Norris has admitted to being the original creator of the Kentucky Fried Chicken secret recipe with eleven herbs and spices. Norris has revealed the secret eleventh ingredient: FEAR
Chuck Norris was the Stonehenge Architect
Arcdhaeologists at sites on Salisbury Plain are now sure that Chuck Norris created Stonehenge by walking past a massive stone quarry. The giant slabs of rock all stood at attention as he walked past.
Chuck Norris Causes Massive Roundhouse Kick deaths
Scientists have discovered that, since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris creates Circle of Life
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the Circle of Life.
U.S. Blamed for Earthquake
An earthquake measuring 9.5 on the Richter Scale has struck the coast of Iran. The United States has been blamed.
Child Actor Dies of Mediocrity
The entertainment failed to be shocked by the news of the death of child actor Corny Heinz, 38. Heinz, a lifetime member of the "Not Terribly Good" club was found dead of mediocrity in his home.
SuBo Sings, Prince Denies
Susan Boyle sang "Someday My Prince Will Come" at the Royal Albert Hall. Her prince sang, "Not Bloody Likely" in response.
Bolivian Volleyball Fans Killed on Roller Coaster
A group of elderly, mentally retarded senior citizen Bolivian volleyball fans were killed in a roller coaster accident just outside of La Paz Bolivia today. Apparently, they all stood up on a turn.
Quake Hits Iran: U.S. Blamed.
A magnitude 7 earthquake has hit Iran, resulting in millions of casualties and billions of dollars in property damage. The United States has been blamed, and the United Nations is expected to not act.
Toyota Unveils New Death Machine
Keeping in line with its new image, Toyota announced the unveiling of a brand new car: the 2011 I Hope You All Freakin' Die-Mobile. It's guaranteed to either blow up or not stop unless it hits a tree.
Goggle Yanks Poverty Ad
Google has decided to fire the VP in charge of Internet Ads in the wake of this week's new advertisement which reads: "Global Poverty: Try It!"
Conservative MP concludes: Obama is One Crazy Mutha!
Politicians in the United Kingdom have completed a four-month study of American President Barak Obama. A Conservative MP speaking on behalf of the House of Lords today said, "Damn! That Mutha CRAZY!"
President Obama Grounded
Washington sources close to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi have said that she blames the Obama's Lack of Cooperation for the sluggish economy. The President will therefore be grounded. No more TV.
NJ Man Goes Cukoo For Cocoa Puffs
Clyde Torkel of Bayonne, NJ, dropped his pants and ran down the street throwing handfuls of the Cocoa Puffs into the air. It took seventeen EMT's to sedate Torkel. He is now in custody.
Nancy Pelosi Full of Shit, Scientists Say
Nancy Pelosi has been discovered by Scientists at Brigham Young University to be totally full of shit. This comes after the recent discovery that Democrats are total bat-shit loons.
Scientists discover how to look smarter
In a groundbreaking new study, scientists have discovered that sitting in laboratories surrounded by science stuff making noises and flashing lights makes them look smarter
Voting Democrat Unhealthy According to Science
Researchers at A Really Impressive University have announced today that voting Democrat causes blackheads, sickle-cell anemia, high blood pressure, marathon shitting, and a craving for chitlins.
Dems Become Loony Bat-Sh*t Party . . . again
Today the Democratic Party reorganized itself as the "Loony Bat-Sh*t Party". Its first act will be to ban oxygen use, birthday clowns, and heterosexual sex, as well as to place a heavy tax on lint.
Press Secretary Gibbs in Fishnets
White House Press Secretary Gibbs donned a pair of fishnet stockings and came to his daily press briefing singing show tunes today. Reporters thrilled to his rendition of "Hello, Dolly!"
Kanye West receives head injury
Obnoxious rapper Kanye West was injured today when a basketball hit him in the face. West was rushed immediately to the hospital for X-Rays of his head. The X-Rays showed nothing.
Michael Jackson Still Dead
Legendary pop star Michael Jackson remains dead, despite rumors that he was the messiah.
There is no news.
Absolutely nothing is happening right now whatsoever. Details to follow.
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