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Mitt Romney Defines What Marriage Is
Marriage is a holy union between a man and a woman...and a woman, and a woman, and a woman, and a woman...
Wife Tells Husband She's Going Shopping for Clutches at Neiman Marcus
Husband replies "I didn't even know they sold cars."
Don't Like Romney's Take on Entitlement Funds?
Wait an hour, it'll change.
Republicans Re-thinking Stance on Free Contraceptives
One Senator, currently caught up in a sex scandal, says "Without free contraceptives,I guarantee there would be way more kids running around Washington, D.C."
Internet Site Reports Large Purchases in Romney and Santorum Campaigns
Santorum camp has spent so far in excess of $7000 for barf bags; Romney camp over $8000 for duct tape.
Republicans Deny War on Women
A top-ranking Republican today denied his party is waging a war on women and said "In fact, we love women...especially when they are barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen cooking our meals.
Independence, Missouri Changes Name to Codependence, Missouri
The Mayor of Independence, Mo is so fed up with the amount of drug problems the city has, he's decided to choose a city name that better describes the municipality.
Captain Kirk Beamed Aboard Space Shuttle Discovery
Not really. That technology isn't possible yet, regardless of how 'real' Star Trek is to its most loyal fans.
Merriam-Webster Updates Dictionary
Charlie Sheen has made it into the Merriam-Webster Dictionary Collegiate Edition. His picture can now be found next to the word "crazy."
Gaddafi's Son Claims Libya Nothing Like Egypt or Tunesia
and clarifies, "We kill our protesters."
Bristol Palin Plans on Following in Her Mom's Footsteps
"They may be big stilettos to fill," said one reporter who is covering the story, "but Bristol is serious about running for President in 2020."
Christians Loosening Rules Regarding Certain Sins
Orthodox Christians are beginning to adopt a "do what feels right" attitude toward masturbation.
Sarah Palin Clears Things Up on Sean Hannity
Sean Hannity asked Palin to explain once again her intention with the now infamous map. She replied, "Well, Sean, my mistake was clear. I realize I shoulda used bulls eyes instead of cross hairs.
Sarah Palin in Hot Water over Comments Again
Sarah Palin, wanting to be sure her followers knew that she was still considering a run for the Presidency, tweeted this over the weekend: "Still have my sights aimed at Presidency."
John McCain Apologizes to Republicans for Giving Props to Obama
John McCain claims "like many Americans, I got caught up in the moment when I wrote that op-ed in the Washington Post." He told fellow Republicans, "Believe me, it will never happen again."
Famous Groundhog Sees Shadow on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day
Predicts no foreseeable end to racism in America.
Tom Delay Sentenced to Three Years in Federal Prison
With time off for good behavior, he may just be out in time to influence the 2012 elections.
Poll Results in on Giffords Shooting
93% of Americans glad they aren't Sarah Palin
97% of Americans glad they aren't Glenn Beck
3-7% were undecided.
Whole Lotta Shaking Goin' On in NYC
An earthquake registering 3.9 on the Richter scale hit Manhattan on Tuesday morning. One resident claims that it was the biggest shake up since the last financial crisis.
Legislature Close to Repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell
Will give a whole new meaning to "dress" blues.
Martha Stewart Loses it On Thanksgiving Guest
Said the celebrity about one of her guests, "She was just horrendous. First, she swilled her wine like a drunken sailor, and then she ate her dessert with her salad fork. How gauche.
In Justifying Use of Condoms, Pope Falls Short
On male prostitutes, he intimated this: they are already sinning against God so wearing condoms isn't gonna matter that much. Let them use them if they want. No biggie.
ironic Twist to Costumed Man's Arrest for Drunken Driving
A Nebraska man was arrested early Monday morning after a night of partying at a Halloween Party given by his friend. His costume? A Breathalyzer.
Pundits Argue over Schultz' and Beck's Size
Political pundits from both sides of the arena are arguing which rally in Washington got the prize for size. Remember, it's not the size that counts, it's the message.
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