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Thinking Outside the Box
US Defense Department interested in renting Chilean mine for prison to replace Gitmo. Prisoners placed half a mile down will be closer to their 72 virgins.
Star Trek Model For Taliban
Like Star Trek, Taliban has almost no enlisted soldiers. They are all Taliban Commanders or Number 2s (as opposed to Captain Picard's "Number One".
Rumors: Chinese Advance Men have been spotted near Area 51 north of Las Vegas. They are said to be making an offer for the set of the NASA faked Moon Landing. Damn, these guys copy everything.
The CIA announced today that waterboarding and other controversial measures will be replaced by forcing terrorists captured to watch National Public Radio fund raisers. DooWop and Roy Orbison lives.
NBC Announces New Show
Furor over the Tonight Show driving viewer numbers further down, the network announced a more diverse offering for the coming year. An example, A Down Home Country Christmas With Louis Farrakhan.
VP Biden's Double Fired
The Vice President's look alike was fired this afternoon after he gave a speech without once trying to shove his head up his ass, effectively "blowing his cover".
Conan Going Into Politics
Fired NBC Tonight Show host Conan O'Brien has announced that he will be entering politics. He has registered as a candidate for President of Finland.
Frenchman Shutsdown Airport
At JFK airport a rear body scan of a French passenger, Beldar Conehead, were deemed "out of compliance" by the TSA. Security checks are shut down until further notice.
Al Sharpton Speaks Out On Obama
Calls Obama a dark skinned white boy who speaks like a honky when he needs to do so.
Saudis to help Haiti
The Saudi Arabian Government announced the departure of a 500 camel caravan to bring aid to the Haitian earthquake victims.
Debate of the Giants
Pat Robertson to debate Danny Glover tonight on CNN. Tune in 8 Eastern, 7 Central.
SNL Star Struck Down
New York. Tina Fey assassinated by Keith Olbermann look alike.
White House says the three day wait before the President addresses the nation about the terrorist attack on an inbound airliner, was due to the time it took to fly in his teleprompter.
The unthinkable has happened. Black men are now portrayed as imbeciles, just as white men are on television commercials. Equal at last, equal at last.
Seventy two unsullied virgins available after Al Queada terrorist proves to be inept student and an example of grade inflation at bomb making school.
Police respond to a call from staff at The Golden Fog, a local retirement home. A melee started among the female residents when diapers were thrown on stage while an Elvis Impersonator was singing.
Hollywood announces new category of "Worst Movie Genre Ever". First in this class is a new film about the Obama Administration, starring Martin Lawrence, Will Ferrell, Pauly Shore, Adam Sandler .
Shopping Mall Santas outlawed by OSHA. Said to be going blind from the flash of hundreds of cameras. Insiders say problem hidden by having young girls lead the sightless Santas around.
In an effort to participate in the green economy the American Medical Assoc.has announced that surgeons will utilize their own sterile urine and have started pissing on their hands prior to surgery.
Joe Biden to be contestant on Jeopardy to earn money for national treasury.
Obama Administration hails help from Africa. White House announces they will be receiving funds of huge account from the Nigerian Defense Ministry. Key to Fort Knox sent as collateral.
Police raid largest heroin dealer on east coast and discover he is flushing evidence away using a HIGH CAPACITY TOILET OF 3.5 GALLONS.
White House drive ways being repaved with yellow bricks.
Justice Department Investigation
Justice Department investigating the unauthorized visits to Gitmo by Jehovah's Witnesses. Copies of Watchtower said to have been flushed down toilets.
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