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Joss Stone - "Luckily in Devon black people are immediately reported to the police"
Daughter of millionaire businessman Richard Stoker, Joss Stone, whose hit includes - "I'm Not Rich, I'm From The Ghetto", has been targeted by criminals on the eve of the launch of her new album LP1.
Vincent Tabak, an evil looking Dutchman has been charged with the murder of Jo Yeates, whose parents own a £600,000 house. "It's definitely him & not the other weirdo", said someone on the internet.
Elton John Throws Baby Out Of Pram - For Good!
After only a few days of fatherhood, Elton John has thrown away his new baby Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John & bought himself a new hat. "I'll probably get bored of the hat soon as well", he joked.
Yesterday's Sports Headlines
England are on course for a historic Ashes victory against Australia.
Irish Bad Debt Gamble Fails Again
Hopes of saving the Irish economy failed today when Lazy Tinker pulled up after leading the Paddy Power Handicap Chase this afternoon. "There's still Eurobillions" said Finance Minister Brian Lenihan.
World Cup Webb
World Cup final referee & Yorkshire cop Howard Webb says that although he hasn't fired his Taser so far in the tournament, he would be prepared to use it on the Spanish. "I don't like them", he said.
TV Job for Psychic Octopus
ITV to announce Cheryl Cole will play Paul The Psychic Octopus in forthcoming TV biop.
Police Take Moat
Raoul Moat has killed himself in a stand-off with police. A spokesman said that Moat shot himself in the head 14 times, kicked himself a bit & punched his own lights out for wasting tax payers money.
Prime Minister Dave Cameron is backing England to win the World Cup. "I got 8-1 at Ladbrokes & bet the entire economy on it." If England are successful the country will be a staggering £64 better off.
'Assasinate Thatcher' Labour MP Arrested
John McDonnell has been arrested following remarks that he wanted to kill Margaret Thatcher because she 'got in his way'. The police also detained the entire GMB union conference who had applauded him
Max Clifford Stripped Of Organ Donor Card
Trading Standards have ruled that PR guru Max Clifford broke the law and committed fraud by ticking the box offering his heart to be used for the treatment of others upon his death.
Do You Suffer From Omnipotence?
You're the only one who does.
Bonita Norris: First Cute Woman To Scale Mount Everest
The Observer: Bonita Norris is cute & she climbed Mount Everest & she's cute. The pointless expedition cost a fortune, but she's cute so it's on the front cover of our newspaper today. And she's cute
Woody Stands Up For Roman
Woody Allen has defended fellow director Roman Polanski amid fresh sexual abuse claims, "It's what I would have done", he said.
Clinton Vague On Hague
Hilary Clinton has upset many/some/no British people by laughing out loud when she met new UK Foreign Secretary William Hague to discuss the war in Afghanistan. "He looked like such a putz", she said.
Gordon Brown resigns in "sordid" attempt to piss off Telegraph.
The Telegraph newspaper has voiced its outrage as yet again its attempts to enforce a political agenda have been derailed by someone else's.
Gordon Brown Apologises Over Rihanna Assault
"I apologise if I did anything like that", he said.
Tory Party All Nighter
Dave Cameron & his chums are taking a deserved night off from the campaign trail tonight & having a 24-hour Smash The Poor charity bash in aid of The Bankers Fund at Cameron's country estate Champers.
100% Of Electorate To Vote Conservative - Daily Telegraph
An independent unbiased opinion poll conducted by the Barclay brothers - owners of The Telegraph, has the entire country voting Tory on May 6th. "That's what we're printing on May 7th", they said.
Nick Clegg Will Welcome Aliens If Elected - The Sun/The Telegraph/The Daily Mail/The Daily Express etc...
Despite warnings from Stephen Hawking that aliens will destroy everything and take our brave boys jobs, loony liberal Clegg is planning to let them eat our children as part of his immigration policy.
Sam Cam To Have Ethnically Diverse Quintuplets
It has been revealed.
The Oscars: Keith 'Cheggars' Chegwin devasted after failing yet again to pick up an award from the Academy
The Naked Jungle naturist game show presenter is still reeling after being overlooked for his role as Egghead Wentworth in the 1967 CFF film - The Troublesome Double.
Chris Brown Apologises Over Rihanna Assault
New album out this week.
Everyone's going on about witt
Old people have become increasingly computer literate and have started up their own social networking space, Witter - where they can, "Go on a bit too long."
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