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Showing snippets written by Nik Voelz.


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Environmentalists Pushing For Volcano Emissions Regulations

...offering tax incentives for volcanoes who can reduce their toxic gas emissions by 30% over five years. Said one volcano, "Hey...this is the way I've always done it! If you don't like it, blow me!"

written by Nik Voelz, 28 November 2010
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Thousands of Bibles Recalled, Reprinted

At the very end of the book it mistakenly read, "just kidding".

written by Nik Voelz, 04 October 2010
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Stolen Bees Uncovered Through Sting Operation

Said one FBI agent, "It felt so great getting these criminals off the street...afterward, I had such a buzz".

written by Nik Voelz, 24 September 2010
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After His Cloths Come Out Of Dryer, Man Finds Money

He was later arrested for money laundering.

written by Nik Voelz, 15 September 2010
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American Economy 2.0 Update Ready For Download

Now you can have a much improved functioning American economy. This software update will address all of the problems users encountered in the first edition..Oh wait...no...it's still a little glichy.

written by Nik Voelz, 15 September 2010
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US Military to Introduce Fleet of Stealth Farm Tractors

Tractors aren't just for harvesting any more. These stealth tractors not only mow down enemies, but shoot lasers. These bad boys are so stealth that no one has yet been able to photograph them.

written by Nik Voelz, 12 September 2010
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Never Before Seen Star Wars Scene

This cut scene shows imperial forces all gitty because the Death Star is putting in a Dairy Queen, a Starbucks, and a Barnes & Noble.

written by Nik Voelz, 06 September 2010
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"Butterflies are jerks", says man.

"Yeah, I know everybody thinks butterflies are pretty and beautiful to look at, but no...I think they are jerks, real scum of the earth. They can bite me! Up yours, butterflies!"

written by Nik Voelz, 15 June 2010
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Obama Plugs Oil Spill With Giant Middle Finger

Angry at critics who believe he is not doing enough to solve the gulf oil crisis, Obama's middle finger grows like a body part of an Incredible Hulk character, to a gigantic size, plugging the hole.

written by Nik Voelz, 02 June 2010
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Shrek Gets DUI

After he was pulled over he started feeling very green.

written by Nik Voelz, 31 May 2010
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BP Now To Introduce "Plan Z"

After exhausting all efforts to plug the Gulf Coast oil spill, BP's book of backup emergency protocol reads, "If plan Z fails, there are no more letters in the alphabet. Have fun."

written by Nik Voelz, 29 May 2010
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Police Discover Plastic Comb Hoarder

A man's house was filled with plastic combs, say officials. Every space - the living room, bedroom, kitchen. Piles of plastic combs. Police were shocked to learn the man, ironically, was bald.

written by Nik Voelz, 24 March 2010
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Obama Extends Wii Invitation to Republicans

In one last-ditch effort to extend a bipartisan hand to the Republicans on health care reform, President Obama invites Democrats and Republicans to the White House for a joint playing of Nintendo Wii.

written by Nik Voelz, 01 March 2010
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Biathlon Athlete Apologizes

A biathlon athlete apologizes for not realizing the rifle was not for shooting other skiers. Commented the athlete, "I seriously thought it was a paintball gun, and a last-man-standing format."

written by Nik Voelz, 17 February 2010
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Olympian Places 36th, Awarded Cardboard Medal

Olympian at the Winter Games placed 36th and was awarded a cardboard medal. Noted the athlete, "Well it's not as nice as the laminated cardboard medal that the 35th finisher got, but I'm still happy."

written by Nik Voelz, 15 February 2010
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New Winter Olympic Event:

Hot Breath Ice Cube Melting

written by Nik Voelz, 14 February 2010
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Day 3 of Winter Olympic Opening Ceremonies

The Ceremonies has stretched into its 3rd day as a very sleepy crowd looks on. The athlete flag parade is only in the "F" countries, with seemingly made up ones like, "Fudgeland", and "Funkistan".

written by Nik Voelz, 13 February 2010
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Water Found On Surface Of Moon

Which brings astronauts one step closer to drinking radioactive water.

written by Nik Voelz, 24 September 2009
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Obama Finds Osama with a Llama in a Sauna

...

written by Nik Voelz, 27 July 2009
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People Mourn Michael Jackson, of 1865

Though it has been 144 years since his death, people are still mourning the loss of Michael Jackson. Not the King of Pop, but another Michael Jackson who died fighting in the Civil War in 1865.

written by Nik Voelz, 29 June 2009
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New Transformer Released

The new Transformer toy to be released into stores transforms into a movie theater, then back into a robot man that functions as an usher, floor cleaner, and popcorn maker.

written by Nik Voelz, 27 June 2009
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Brett Favre Gets Hand Stuck In Toaster

"I've been working on this throwing arm all month", said Favre, "I couldn't decide if I wanted the toaster lever up or down. I shoved my hand in there, then I couldn't take the heat, I got burned out"

written by Nik Voelz, 27 June 2009
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"Will U Mary MEE?" Will Not Come Off

With an advanced high energy long-range laser burner, a man has proposed to his girlfriend by permanently writing on the moon. The marriage lasted 2 days. Now everyone will have to see it forever.

written by Nik Voelz, 24 June 2009
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Iran Police Dispurse Protesters

Protesters in Iran who were wearing purses, had their purses taken away by Iranian Police. Said police, "We had to dispurse the crowd. We confiscated several Coach, Gucci, and Louis Voitton"

written by Nik Voelz, 24 June 2009
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