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Criticisms of BP's Handling of Oil Spill Continue to Pour In
"Honestly, they don't know their arse from a hole in the Gulf."
Idols Lee DeWyze and Crystal Bowersox Elope
"We have become such close friends," said Crystal, "that we decided to get married so no matter who wins, we both share the money and the fame."
The Queen Did Not Announce "Off Wit 'er 'ead as Reported
The Queen merely told the press that Fergie was just a bit "off" that day..."the day which no one really wants to talk about anymore" by royal decree.
Oil Slick Becomes 51st State
Barack Obama announced today that the Gulf oil slick has grown to the point that it is becoming difficult to compare to any state in the upper 50, so they've decided to just grant it statehood.
New Lindsay Lohan Movie Shooting on Location in Beverly Hills
Some say it's Lindsay Lohan's best performance ever--trying to appear serious as she is being sentenced by Judge on various drug-related and failure-to-appear charges.
BP Announces Plan Be as Plan A Considered a Failure
A spokesperson for BP claims Plan A, which was to ignore the leak in hopes that it would stop itself, hasn't worked so they are going to try Plan B, out-and-out lying about the severity of the spill.
BP Announces They'll Try Stopping Oil Leak with Top Kill Method
How it works is this: the oil will continue to kill everything on the surface it touches, such as plants and wildlife, and the dead flora and fauna is then stuffed down a tube to clog up the leak.
Tareq and Michaele Salahi Show Up Unexpectedly at White House Again
This time disguised as rats in the Rose Garden.
Liberals Stage First Ever Book Burning Protest over Revised Textbooks
Progressives across America are calling for book-burning protests in Texas to rid America of what they call "an insidious act to re-white history."
Texas School Board Ok's Sweeping Changes to History
One major change replaces the Jewish people with Texans as the chosen ones.
Texas School Board Re-Writes History
One section dealing with Biblical history claims that Jesus spoke about a "land known as Texas" as actually being the holy land.
BP Executive, Tony Hayward Flies Home to Celebrate his Birthday
As residents of the US Gulf states stay behind to curse the day he was born.
Connecticut Attorney General Blumenthal Misspeaks Yet Another Time
Blumenthal has gone on record apologizing for misleading his constituents into believing he served in Viet Nam. "What I meant to say is I became known for my tennis serve at the local country club."
Connecticut Attorney General Blumenthal Misspeaks Again
Not only didn't Blumenthal serve in Viet Nam during the war, but now it has come out that he isn't really a man. "I regret telling everyone I am a man of honor when in fact, I'm not a man at all."
Oil Spill Reaches California's West Coast
Governor Schwarzenegger threatens to boycott Louisiana.
Woman Arrested for Tasering Fast Food Employee
A Florida woman wasn't happy with the service she received at the drive-thru window, so she inside and used her pink taser gun to light a spark under them "damn shiffless burger flippers."
Campbell Brown Quits CNN Anchor Post
Ratings are what brought her down. "Sandwiched between O'Reilly on the right side and Olbermann on the left, I felt like a big glop of chopped liver right there in the middle."
Environmentalists on Florida's East Coast Say Limbaugh Bigger Threat than Tar Balls
Environmentalists are weighing in on the potential threat tar balls may have on Florida's east coast beaches. They claim the sewage spewing from Limbaugh's home is way more toxic.
Amy Winehouse Pays $1M for Deluxe Flat at London Clinic
Amy Winehouse has purchased a block of rooms at the London Clinic at Mayfair and had them refurbished into a lovely flat, since that is where she spends a fair amount of her time these days anyways.
Singer Elvis Costello Refuses to Perform in Israel
"Oy vey, what a schmuck," said one man as Israelites far and wide kvetshed about this latest development.
Louisiana Restaurants No Longer Preparing Seafood Cajun-Style
Due to circumstances beyond their control, Louisiana Restaurants are currently preparing seafood one way only, "blackened."
Glenn Beck Receives Honorary Doctorate from Liberty University
Glenn Beck received an honorary doctorate from Liberty University even though he only completed high school. He immediately went on the air and offered free medical checkups to the first 100 callers.
Sir Paul McCartney Rails Against BP
"That company should be ashamed of itself," declared Sir Paul McCartney upon learning that BP intended the unauthorized use of his song "Live and Let Die" in an upcoming television advert.
Deepak Chopra Calls Glenn Beck a Prophet
As a guest on the Colbert Report, Deepak Chopra agrees that Glenn Beck could be called a prophet, and then he spelled it, P-R-O-F-I-T.
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