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Volga Olga to be crowned Miss Universe 2015!
After the scandal around Miss Columbia, the title has now gone to Volga Olga, 85 year-old Russian horny hag!
Chelsea love affair is over!
The greatest West End soap opera love affair between A Special one and his Russian Prince has ended! They shook hands (a golden one), kissed and parted. The huge question; who is Bluer now?
King Louis slips up again on his banana skins!
King Louis van Gaal has been offered a role in Disney's new version of Jungle Book! He will play King Louis, the king baboon. A made to measure role because he loves slipping up on banana skins!
Merkel Time Magazine's person of the year! Scheisse!
She's done it again, Angie Merkel is person of the year 2015 and I'm sure many impoverished, poor, desperate Greeks driven to the brink of bankruptcy and suicide will be over the moon!
New Orleans is so good hearted!
To cover up homeless junkies, alcoholics and losers, New Orleans is building new State Highway bridges as far away as possible from Le French Quarter so tourists can enjoy Le Mardi Gras in safety!
Crocodile prison guards patrol Indonesian prisons!
Indonesia's latest way of controlling and reducing their prison population may seem slightly eccentric, but it works, as no living prisoners have been seen exiting or entering prisons since!
A figment of a mad man's imagination or just fact?
There once was a Spoofer called Erskin Quint whose name gave a fellow spoofer a hint. Now the name belongs to a mercurial stud with an E and the rest is history!
Merkel invites Pink Floyd to open the new WALL!
It seems Angela Merkel will erect a modern version of The Berlin Wall and thought it would be a grand idea if Pink Floyd opened the ceremonies, sadly Syrian President Assad was not invited!
China loses its (golf) balls!
Chinese Communist party has banned its 88 million members from joining golf clubs, instead they are allowed to invest their capitalist earned bucks in promoting the noble sport of Polo, hypocrites!
Hitler not Austrian, he was a Palestinian!
Israeli PM, Nut-anayuh, has claimed Hitler was really a Palestinian undercover agent employed by Nazis to burn all Jews in hell! Modern-day German Nazis have just declared war on Israel!
Channel tunnel brought to a standstill by fleeing Brits!
Brits fleeing their land of hope and glory through the Channel Tunnel have created Cameron's last stand and no Red Indians will be there to save his scalp!
Dutch prove they really are as flat as pancakes!
Turkish delight instead of a joint, sticky pancake, or van Gogh ruled over Europe last night as Oranje led by a Blind leading the Blind hit a cul de sac, but not a French one!
Dentist Walter Palmer sticks his head in lion's mouth!
Innocent (?) lion slaughterer, Walter Palmer, has offerd free dental service to lions all over the planet! The world hopes that a lion has a wicked tooth ache whilst Walter has his head in its mouth!
Klopp is a German Nutter!
Liverpool have employed a German "Knocker" called Klopp and it serves them right! He will Head Bang the Scousers with impunity and stuff Bratwurst down the throats of anybody who says "nein" to him
VW turns back the clock!
Nein to software, computers, navi systems and back to basics for VW! Ancient Beetles will now be produced in Wolfsburg and Hitler was heard turning in his grave! NEIN BITTE NICHT!!!
Messi does not screw the Inland Revenue!
Mutli-millionaire soccer player, Lionel Messi, has been cleared of Spanish tax evasion, instead his padre is guilty, typical Spanish, keep it in the family!
New Liverpool manager is a dead Beetle!
Liverpool will not employ a living manager anymore, they have decided to erect an inspirational statue of a dead Beetle who sucked in many VW exhaust fumes whilst alive, plus other filthy substances!
Niagara Falls discovered on Mars!
Martians have built a replica of Niagara Falls on Mars proving that they are very clever or love April Fools! For the answer ask NASA or Allah!
Elton wants intimate meeting with Putin!
To discuss gay rights in Russia, Elton John, has requested to meet Putin in a private hotel on Hampstead Heath! Putin refused and told Elton to F himself, Elton replied, "I'd rather have you do that!"
Stand up Sir Rooney!
If this Scouse clown gets a knighthood I have decided to become an illegal immigrant and give my British passport to someone more deserving, Syrian maybe, because enough is enough!
App porn cums out!
It seems as though porn apps are being misused because not only do the participants suck, they are also being sucked out of their money! Housewives giving secret head are now forcibly 'cumming out!'
US Cadets complete training with pillow fights!
West Point academy has hardened up its cadets by introducing pillow fighting as the final phase of training! ISIS cannot wait for the US Boys to arrive, they love featherweight headless chickens!
Sheepshaggers fail to penetrate Chris the sheep!
Australian sheepshaggers desperate to penetrate Chris the sheep because of his abnormal size have failed because sheep-shearers saved Chris's virginity by shearing him, just in time!
Thank heavens there's not another K in KK!
Kim Kardashian is missing a K and if she had another one that would be real news, but sadly she only has a Big B and 2 huge BB's and her dad is jealous!
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