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Cameron's new policy; moronic!
David Cameron's latest policy is to force all obese people, junkies, alcoholics, and other low life back to work! He has forgot one thing; nobody in their right mind wants to employ them!!
US is a drought stricken zone!
US scientists believing that the US could turn into one huge desert refuse to travel further north than Las Vegas; it rains too much there and those damn snow blizzards!
Smoking in cars in England, forbidden!!
From October 2015 it is no longer allowed to smoke in cars! Sex in the backseat, blow-jobs in the front seat will also be banned, but the police promise to be lenient as long as they can watch!
Louis van Gaal has long balls!
LVG has told the world he has long balls but only after 70 minutes, before that he prefers the short, sharp version whilst tea-bagging with the missus!
cockroach found in curry!
Punters eating at a Manchester Indian found a cockroach in their curry and asked why? The owner said, "we have no bleach to put down the bogs and I'd rather have roaches without bad breath anyway!"
Greece refuse to bow to Merkel!
Greece refuses to bow to Merkel's demands and now she is getting really serious!Angie has threatened to get out her Dominatrix whip and spank their bums if they don't pay up!
Straw houses on sale in the UK!
Credit wolves, bank crisis, corrupt Building Societies and bank managers have launched a new project in the UK; houses made of straw! 3 piggies took up an option and got blown away!
Birth of a Nation!
More like 'Miscarriage of a nation!"
Global warming in Sevilla causing havoc!
Sevilla has been covered by a blanket of white stuff and the weekend Flamenco dancing might be cancelled! It seems that castanets and male Flamenco dancers cojones do not function under -10 degrees!
The rain in Spain; no the snow!
Rain in Spain falling on the plain has now turned to snow and Spanish people not used to the stuff are hoping to offer Brits package sledging holidays with apres ski instead of boozy, Beach Bumming!
My condolences to the family of brave Jordanian pilot, Moaz al-Kasasbeh, a very sad day. And I also send my heartfelt condolences to other victims of ISIS, their barbaric acts are beyond belief!
Things are hotting up in eastern Ukraine!
Putin is making sure that the world continues to tumble towards a non-return precipice by supporting the Ukraine separatists; let's hope Kim Jong-un supplies the Ukrainians with weapons not us!
Man shags Dolphin!!
A pervert claimed a female dolphin in Florida tempted him to have sex with her! Now sheep shagging is bad enough, but sex with a dolphin, AAAAAAAGH! Next time please try a Great White!
Superbowl entertainment for the FA Cup Final!
The spectacular half-time Superbowl entertainment has been bought by the FA! Sadly, no Lenny Cravitz or Katie Perry (Who?) only Paul Potts and Susan Boyle, WOW, sensational half-time fun guaranteed!
Cameron compares himself to Sir Winston!
On the 50th anniversary of Sir Winston Churchill's funeral, tosser, David Cameron, compared his achievements with the great wartime PM! People visiting his tomb swore they heard the ground tremble!
ISIS stop beheading!
Relieving news is reaching us from Iraq, ISIS have vowed not to behead anybody anymore, therefore they will kidnap babies and spike them on their bayonets; lovely bunch!
Diego Costa is a reincarnated pitbull!
Blood samples taken from Chelsea's Diego Costa have proven he has the genetic make up of a pitbull! Mourinho is thinking about buying Suarez so he can unleash an unbeatable canine duo into the EPL!
Apple make huge profits!
An apple a day obviously keeps the doctor away! The consumers of apples have created huge global profits and consumers are munching daily whilst spitting out "soft-micro maggots"!
Greece promise not to default!
The new governing party in Greece has promised not to default on its huge debt to the Euro zone and they are willing to pay back the debt with several million portions of Feta cheese!
German giants bash Tesco!
Giant Brit supermarket, Tesco, are closing 43 stores! One reason is they are being bashed by German giants, Lidl and Aldi! It seems the Brits love a cheap Bratwurst stuck in sauerkraut; Fraulein!
German Pegida not Nazis!
The latest paranoid group to protest against Islamism, German Pegida, are not Nazis they claim, but have offered UKIP several empty barracks in Auschwitz if the UK has too many Romanians!
Man City, Chelsea and Spurs implode!
Several top teams in the EPL imploded Saturday as low level teams plundered their back gardens. Chelsea boss Mourinho explained why; "FA Cup, no good, my rich boys not used to playing Untermenschen!"
LVG breaks bank!
Man United double Dutch manager, LVG, has broken the bank and offered to swap his team for the heroes of Cambridge United. They refused because playing under LVG is like learning quantum physics!
Cambridge United offer United University challenge!
Giant scalp hunters, Cambridge United, have offered the other United free studies at the famous university in learning social differences don't matter when there's a dodgy, level playing field!
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