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Showing page 3 (of 28 pages)
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I Owe Silver

LONE RANGER: Liberals tax and spend. Conservatives don't tax, but spend anyway.

TONTO: Conservative way not make sense. My father own cigar shop. Him put money in bank to cover check, Kemo Sabe!

written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 February 2013
Rating:

I'm Not Surprised

San Francisco woman surprised when man who just robbed her returns moments later with shopping bag containing celery, seaweed, bean curd, alfalfa sprouts, fish roe and chopped eels.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 February 2013
Rating:

One for the Snippet Archive

Sorry, you can't go back any further!
Right Wing Nuts: It's not always possible to go back to the Previous Century, but you should return to reality if you try going forwards.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 07 February 2013
Rating:

Blowing a Wad of Lies

LONE RANGER: Does Obama violate freedom of religion by handing out condoms?

TONTO: Me read Bible. Condom not around yet, so not in scripture. Me think they use pull-out method, Kemo Sabe!

written by The San Francisco Onion, 07 February 2013
Rating:

Doing Things the American Way

Americans skip college, give up vacations, drive old cars, work through retirement to afford health care. Meanwhile, corporate profits soar 18%, CEO's claim, "We can't afford to provide Obamacare."

written by The San Francisco Onion, 07 February 2013
Rating:

They Want More Reasons to Complain

The same Republicans who oppose abortion also oppose contraceptive coverage, virtually guaranteeing people on welfare are going to be having lots and lots of babies.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 07 February 2013
Rating:

Quote from King Eisenhower the Communist Surfaces

We are proud of our advances in matters of basic human needs-expansion of social security-broadened coverage in unemployment insurance-improved housing-and better health protection for all our people.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 07 February 2013
Rating:

Meanwhile, Back at the Hall of Justice

BATMAN: Republicans won't tax millionaires to cover spending.

ROBIN: Holy bounced checks, Batman! How is Obama supposed to pay for a bailout of America's so-called "job creators" AND two Bush wars?

written by The San Francisco Onion, 07 February 2013
Rating:

Extremists Chip Away at Freedom

Discussion forum shut down at popular satire web site after extremist bile slingers use freedom of speech to spread messages of hate.

"Acronyms" could remain on, no? Yes? Maybe? Shiite!

written by The San Francisco Onion, 07 February 2013
Rating:

Meanwhile, Back at the Hall of Justice

BATMAN: Karl Rove is attacking Ashley Judd.

ROBIN: Holy action heroes, Batman! This guy's no Chuck Norris or Schwarzenegger. He'll take a thrashing before he gets Ashley back in the kitchen!

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Corporate Profits Up, Worker Wages Down, No New Jobs

"If the rest of them can survive only by destroying us, then why should we wish them to survive?"

Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Ayn Rand exposed as Godless Liberal!

"What is man? He's just a collection of chemicals with delusions of grandeur."

Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

"Assault Weapons Are Gay"

Poll: People who oppose homosexual scout masters being around children are also quick to stand up against common sense regulations to keep deranged gunmen out of schools. What gives?

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Lick it, stick it and kiss it goodbye

As of this week, the United States Postal Service will no longer deliver mail on Saturdays, says Cole Turnblatt of Ames, Iowa, who was delivered the Postmaster General's memo by mistake.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Isn't everything supposed to be BIGGER in Texas?

Skinflint Texas Gov. Rick Perry tries to lure California businesses back to his home state with a miserly $25,000 ad campaign. If his ass was any tighter, he'd squeak when he walks.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Killing Two Birds With One Assault Weapon

Pres. Obama under fire for using drones to kill Americans abroad who pose an imminent threat to national security. Well, if he sent "good guys with guns" to do it, would that be okay?

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

"There You Go Again"

Climate change deniers insist "Little Ice Age" was due to a dip in solar activity, not a deadly Black Plague that reduced the world's population of tree-chopping, log-burning humans by nearly half.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Two Good Guys with Guns

Clayton Moore: Men should live by the rule of what is best for the greatest number. I'm for sensible gun control legislation.

Jay Silverheels: Me too, Kemo Sabe. More guns not solve every problem.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Two Opposable Thumbs Down

Sen. John McCain takes heat from the Left for comparing Iran's President Ahmadinejad to a monkey. Moderates still comparing McCain to a monkey for choosing Sarah Palin as a running mate.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Click now, or forever hold your peace

Academic journal publishes study showing that straight men who watch lots of porn tend to support same-sex marriage rights - unlike homophobic closet cases, who tend to watch a lot of gay porn.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Wayne LaPierre Wants More Mental Health Services

Good point: LaPierre's supporters seem to believe that this is 1791, and that a magical communist King born in Kenya is waiting just outside the door to take their guns.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

What comes around goes around

School vending machine regulations aimed at reducing childhood obesity attacked by people who got way too much sugar when they were in school and weren't paying attention in health class.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Groundhog Day 2013

Mitt Romney emerged from his burrow in La Jolla, CA, on February 2. He saw his shadow, prompting Karl Rove to predict him as the clear front runner in a contest against President Obama.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Slippery Slope, No Lubricant

Pres. Obama attempts to pass sensible health care legislation, prompting Church to impose will on State through litigation.

Far Right: "No abortions AND no condoms."

Next: "No sex either."

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Showing page 3 (of 28 pages)


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