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From now on, all words are to be treated equally, even those that sound the same with different meanings. "I can't stand homophones," said Rachel Riley from Countdown.
Free Drinks in Turkey
Hotels in Turkey near the Syrian border are offering guests free drinks to entice them. "It's a great offer," said one holiday maker. "You can get bombed every night!"
Bradley Manning announcement
American traitor who was sentenced to 35 years for leaking classified documents has announced he wants to become a woman. "I didn't expect him to be out so soon," said one prosecutor.
Paris Hilton is not a dumb blonde
During a recent book signing in Milton Keynes, Paris Hilton announced that being a dumb blonde was only an act. "You're just not that good an actress," said one member of the audience.
Royal Baby Name
William and Kate have announced that their new baby son is to be called Richard Sebastian, or Rich Bastian for short.
Reduction in recorded crime is not despite of police cutbacks, said crime watchdogs, but because of them. "The cuts are in the department that records crime," said one Watchdog called Clock Rover.
New Yoghurt Corner
Muller have launched a new range of Greek Style yoghurt corners. These include Mousaka, Doner Kebab, Halloumi and humus. "They're delicious," winced Mark E Ting, head of marketing.
Physicists are hopeful the Standard Model will be overturned soon. "Don't get me wrong," said Professor Brian Cox, "we like the model. If it's wrong though, we can apply for more research grants."
Scientists urge people to drink
New research shows that if people don't get at least one drink every three days, they get 'dehydration'. "We're thinking people might need to eat too," said a scientist working on this.
New Chinese Dish created
After the Giant Yellow Duck art installation popped in China a new Chinese dish has been invented: Hong Kong Flattened Duck.
Beady Eye announce their next few albums
Liam Gallagher has said his new band, Beady Eye, will name their first album Be. "The next will be called Ad," said Gallagher, "then we'll have two more both called Ye. Then I'll quit in a strop."
Matt Smith is to cease being the Doctor
When Matt Smith retires from the BBC's Doctor Who, his replacement will be Sanjeev Bhaskar, from the Kumars at 42. "Well," said Sanjeev, "It's to reflect proportion of Asian doctors."
NHS Gagging Orders
It has been discovered that the NHS has issued gagging orders to staff. "Well, it's cheaper than anaesthetic," said the Chief Exec. "And it's just as effective at stopping patients screaming."
Cross Dressing throughout history - part 2
Historians have found that short-arsed French King, Louis VI had the stiletto invented so people couldn't see he was short. They became popular in the royal court and were known as 'Court Shoes'.
Unicorns keep in touch
Finally, Unicorns have got with the modern age, with a now 100% coverage of the unicorn population on Virgin Mobil. "We've had a lot of horn pierced phones returned," said Branson.
Unicorn obesity problem
The unicorn obesity problem has been averted thanks to them signing up in droves to Virgin Active. "Even horny creatures need to get fit," said Richard Branson.
Unicorn set to be the first mythical creature in space
A unicorn has put it's name down to go into space. "Naturally, it chose Virgin Galactic," said Richard Branson. "We're the only company with horn proof suits."
High street shops are bracing themselves as Unicorns get ready to spend spend spend now that they have all signed up to Virgin credit cards. "Our best rates are for mythical creatures," said Branson.
Unicorns finally take to the air
Unicorns have now followed their illustrious cousin, Pegasus, into the air. Their preferred airline is Virgin. "It must be our seats," said Richard Branson.
When Unicorns want to get online, a recent survey has shown that they unanimously choose Virgin Broadband. "Great!" said Richard Branson.
Unicorn train travel
Richard Branson has announced an increase of 500% of the number of unicorns travelling by Virgin Rail. "They love us," he said.
Unicorn plague at Virgin Media's headquarters
Virgin Media headquarters in London have been inundated with a plague of unicorns. "They're attracted to virgins," said Branson. "And our office is the only one in London."
Google Glasses require a warning
All wearers of Google glasses will be required to wear a badge in future that reads: "This conversation will be recorded for training purposes."
Ths yrs conf on Abbrs & TxtSpk will B held at G-Mex M/c. Attnd's shd arv 30mins b4 drs open 2 Nsure a gd seat.
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