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Beady Eye announce their next few albums
Liam Gallagher has said his new band, Beady Eye, will name their first album Be. "The next will be called Ad," said Gallagher, "then we'll have two more both called Ye. Then I'll quit in a strop."
Matt Smith is to cease being the Doctor
When Matt Smith retires from the BBC's Doctor Who, his replacement will be Sanjeev Bhaskar, from the Kumars at 42. "Well," said Sanjeev, "It's to reflect proportion of Asian doctors."
NHS Gagging Orders
It has been discovered that the NHS has issued gagging orders to staff. "Well, it's cheaper than anaesthetic," said the Chief Exec. "And it's just as effective at stopping patients screaming."
Cross Dressing throughout history - part 2
Historians have found that short-arsed French King, Louis VI had the stiletto invented so people couldn't see he was short. They became popular in the royal court and were known as 'Court Shoes'.
Unicorns keep in touch
Finally, Unicorns have got with the modern age, with a now 100% coverage of the unicorn population on Virgin Mobil. "We've had a lot of horn pierced phones returned," said Branson.
Unicorn obesity problem
The unicorn obesity problem has been averted thanks to them signing up in droves to Virgin Active. "Even horny creatures need to get fit," said Richard Branson.
Unicorn set to be the first mythical creature in space
A unicorn has put it's name down to go into space. "Naturally, it chose Virgin Galactic," said Richard Branson. "We're the only company with horn proof suits."
High street shops are bracing themselves as Unicorns get ready to spend spend spend now that they have all signed up to Virgin credit cards. "Our best rates are for mythical creatures," said Branson.
Unicorns finally take to the air
Unicorns have now followed their illustrious cousin, Pegasus, into the air. Their preferred airline is Virgin. "It must be our seats," said Richard Branson.
When Unicorns want to get online, a recent survey has shown that they unanimously choose Virgin Broadband. "Great!" said Richard Branson.
Unicorn train travel
Richard Branson has announced an increase of 500% of the number of unicorns travelling by Virgin Rail. "They love us," he said.
Unicorn plague at Virgin Media's headquarters
Virgin Media headquarters in London have been inundated with a plague of unicorns. "They're attracted to virgins," said Branson. "And our office is the only one in London."
Google Glasses require a warning
All wearers of Google glasses will be required to wear a badge in future that reads: "This conversation will be recorded for training purposes."
Ths yrs conf on Abbrs & TxtSpk will B held at G-Mex M/c. Attnd's shd arv 30mins b4 drs open 2 Nsure a gd seat.
Atos, the French company tasked with assessing Britain's disabled people has been canonised, after announcing that 30,000 previously disabled people can now walk. That's a better return than Jesus.
History of Cross Dressing - part 1
Cross dressing in ancient times, before the invention of gender specific clothing, mainly involved shaving off the beard. This was considered a perversion by those who liked facial hair.
With the weather set to continue cold, the British Met Office have announced plans to merge Britain's seasons into two. "These will be called 'Winter'," said Michael Fish, "and 'Green Winter'."
Moyes successor named
With Moyes set to take over at United, Everton have announced his replacement, as an elderly Scot who recently announced his retirement. The fans are not happy about the appointment of Gordon Brown.
Horse doping scandal
British horse racing has been shocked by a massive doping scandal at the highest levels, when it was found that Godolphin horses contained traces of steroids. Ironically...made from cows.
Facebook 'Like' Patent broken by Prior Art
Facebook's patented Like button has had the patent broken when Prior Art was found. "Apparently, Tommy Cooper did it first," said Stephen Hawkins. "He said he 'Like that' and 'Not like that'."
Enrolment at dance classes are up
After the news of Margaret Thatcher's death, dance lessons have had a sudden influx of former miners.
Boat Race takes a frozen turn
This year's boat race between Cambridge and Oxford will go down in history as the first to be done on ice skates.
Ed Milliband appoints a border collie as shadow Chancellor
Ed Milliband has made Rover, a Welsh border collie, shadow chancellor. "Well," said Ed, "a border collie would figure out something isn't working in less than three years. Unlike George."
Chris Huhne updates his Facebook page
Chris Huhne has been tagged by West Minster constabulary at Wandsworth Prison.
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