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"Oh, so the capital city of Germany is Berlin!" a surprised Sarah Palin remarked to a journalist recently. "Okay, well, why isn't Wasilla capital of Alaska?" to which the journo replied "Fuck!"
Ivan is done
Ivan Dyosovostki has finally finished the men's downhill event after skiing from the French Alps to the Caucuses in Russia. "Did I do something wrong?" he asked. Oficials have banished him to Siberia.
Brian the squirrel
"Okay, but you hang on to the back of it" said the Aer Lingus airline pilot to the late passenger who clambered on to the wing during takeoff. The passenger lasted about thirty seconds. Thrrrrsssh!
"Oi! You can't do that!" cried the US down hill skier as he witnessed his fellow German competitor affix a jet pack to his back to begin his descent down the competition slope. The German won easily.
Clinton in denial
Former US President has denied he had an affair with Elizabeth Hurley. He also denied affairs with Queen Elizabeth II, Baroness Margaret Thatcher and, more pointedly, his wife Hilary. More to come.
Gang up to no good
In breaking news, a gang of field mice have overtaken the village of Thursby in England's north. The gang have asked for a ransom of 3000 pounds of cheese in exchange for the villagers' lives. Gosh!
Swimming in it
A Brighton man has become the first person to swim the entire length of Britain's sewer network. He even swam Buckingham Palace's sewer. His reply when asked why: "No other shit would do it!"
Comedian and actor, Alan Davies, has been announced as England's football coach for the 2014 World Cup in Brazil. Davies responded "coach of who? Whaaaatt...!!" In other news Dame Edna caught a fish.
Emperor has a problem
The Emperor of Japan has admitted to being addicted to Facebook and Twitter. He said he once spent 48 hours just browsing the social media websites in search of a "good laugh". Is he for real?
New Year's Eve reduced to rabble: Cameron
In signs that he's mentally ill, UK Prime Minister, David Cameron, has called New Year's eve festivities "the most basic form of human behaviour in history". Cameron will ban all celebrations soon.
Kermit the slob
Celebrity muppet, Kermit the Frog, has been arrested in Las Vegas,charged with possession of illicit drug substances (believed to be crystal meth) and sexual harassment. Oh, come on! A frog? Really?
In the coarse of robbing every rich industrialist in the country, Mr Barry Walters has been awarded the first prize in a Which Father Has the Best Legs competition. F..k me that c..t has got a nerve.
Say, what did I just read?
The Midlands town of Stroud has been inundated with vast colonies of hedge-hogs visiting the district to sample the local cuisine. It is believed the native animals prefer Stroud over Henley on Thames
Ronny's gone to that great Bank vault in the sky
Hundreds of people have "friended" the late Ronald Biggs Facebook site today following his earthly demise. One user said he wanted to ensure Biggsy was more popular dead than alive. Well, whatever.
The General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party has announced a new law enabling poorer sections of the population to starve to death. The ruling prevents rice growing in rural areas of China.
US President Barack Obama will resign from the Presidency effective noon tomorrow after admitting he "lit a fart" at dinner one evening with the Israeli Prime-minister. Imagine the gas from that one!
Professor's new theory
Professor Edwin L Bottletop of Battersea University has devised a theory that explains why ducks fly south for the winter. "It's too freaking cold" he says analytically. Brilliant deduction sir!
Just a minute....
Dr Nigel A Woodward, a self-confessed piromaniac, has declared that he won't be burning any turkeys this Thanksgiving day. As nobody really knows what he's talking about then it's useless trying to.
Boredom for trade
Hungarian business consultants have gathered in large numbers in Trafalgar Square to annoy and pester passersby with their silly Eastern European accents and devilish ways of communicating. Okay then?
Drone the new way to fly
US President, Barack Obama, has been mysteriousy tied to the body of an American drone and flown into Afghanistan to avoid attention. Obama swears its the best way to fly outside of hang gliding.
The single gum theory
In breaking news, Police have revealed that President John F Kennedy's fatal head wound on November 23 1963 was caused by someone throwing chewing gum in his general direction. Yet another theory, eh?
Teacher in trouble
"Good God don't jump!!" cried the elementary teacher as her student, protesting about harsh class rules, climbed the 2 metre flag pole at Heddington Polytechnic. The teacher was arrested for abuse.
Ron,Dirk,Stig and Nasty AKA The Rutles are getting back togther to perform some elaborate financial stings otherwise known as "concerts". The foursome will appear naked in aid of Samaritans. Great!
NASA design thrilling invention
NASA has denied making a new refrigerator for space travel but are instead drafting a building elevator that goes from floor to floor at the speed of light. Cynics are not convinced and neither am I.
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