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Fish "have social class-system like humans"
A report published today reveals that fish, just like humans, have social classes. Cod, Skate and Herring are what would be termed "upper class"; Tuna, Sole and Plaice are "middle class"; Sardines "are chavs, basically"
Mandarin now Earth's most widely mentioned word
"Mandarin" is now the mostly widely spoken word on the planet, replacing the word "English". Approximately 2 billion people, mostly in China, say the word "mandarin" everyday, often for no apparent reason. Previous popular words were "chicken", "dude" and "Britney".
Universe only 30,000 miles wide, new study suggests
The entire universe, according to NASA, is only 30,000 miles from side to side. The space, almost entirely occupied by earth is "really kinda smaller than we thought" said a spokesman. The moon landings were "just fooling about" and the galaxies are "just some CGI and ****."
God "too Christian"
A report published today suggests that, in a multi-faith society, God should "tone down" the strict Christian image he has cultivated and try to embrace more diverse religions.
Gordon Brown "sleeps with men for money"
A leaked memo suggests that Gordon Brown has slept in the vicinity of other men who are sleeping, and that the purpose of his sleeping is to ensure that he is fit and refreshed for the job he is paid for. Number 10 have refused to confirm or deny the story.
Google "close to becoming White Dwarf"
Google, the multi-trillion dollar search engine, has become so large, according to analysts, that it has collapsed in on itself and is on the verge of becoming a White Dwarf. The next stage, a Black Hole, could see Google pull all living matter into its core, thus destroying the entire universe.
Dwarfism just "standing further away"
A new study published today suggests that people classed as dwarfs, or adults of restricted size, may just be simply "standing further away". This trick of perspective means that normal-sized adults may appear smaller than they are.
Microsoft Launch new operating system for student PCs: Windows Vesta tipped for success
Microsoft has unveiled its new operating system, designed with university students in mind. It arrives as a powder and is reconstituted with water, comes in three flavours and will not function correctly inside a PC.
18-24 year olds most at risk from Cheryl Tweedy
A report shows that many 18-24 year olds are unaware of the risks of Cheryl Tweedy. A large proportion of those questioned said they never took proper precautions to prevent the risk of Cheryl Tweedy. Many would even be unaware if they had been in contact with Cheryl Tweedy.
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