Showing snippets written by Erskin Quint.
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Bishop Weds Moleskin Trouser Heiress
A rare jigsaw of Mussolini impersonating Kenneth McKellar on Saltcoats pier has been stolen from the fictional second home of Eric Pickles.
James Corden's Head Collapses In Bespoke Tailors
A pet mandrill makes a stimulating and amusing companion for the more robust lunatic. More delicate mad people might prefer a jigsaw of Kenneth McKellar dressed as Mussolini on Saltcoats pier.
'"Gladstone Hated Camels" Claim A Lie', Claims Will.i.am
Sheer lack of water is the number one reason you hardly ever see Atlantic Cod in the Atacama Desert. That, and the fact that it's not in the Atlantic.
Missing Ombudsman Found In Tin of Mock Duck
Tuesday Evening Viewing:
21:00 Hilda Goes In
Hilda The Undercover Hippo infiltrates the Blue Peter Garden
22:00 Shakespeare In Other Languages
Othello in Mandarin Chinese starring James Corden
Arctic Roll Shortage Threatens Namibia
"Straw has always been key to me", says Prime Minister David Cameron. "When I was a child, I had a nanny made of straw. At Eton, I wore a straw boater. Now, my political career is a thing of straw."
Dog Bites Suarez
A dead Archbishop makes an excellent besom-cupboard, once it has been cleaned, dried and varnished. Dead pygmies can be stuck together to form the ultimate "conversation-piece" garden fence.
Toasting Forks Are The New Hessian
The latest innovations of Dorking inventor Gideon Bable include a zinc trout funnel, a whelk sizer, a perpetual egg-whisk, a panda-repellent waistcoat for bamboo-growers, and a transparent blindfold.
Thatcher's Paddington Bear Obsession "Jeopardised UK Security" Claims Druid
Dale Winton has a pair of imaginary Japanese Swamp Warblers. Playwright Terrence Rattigan kept an imaginary Gnu at his Bermuda home. Actress Dora Bryan's imaginary eohippus herd trampled Reg Varney's
Thatcher "Sat On My Face" Claims Ely Hypocrite
A sure way to discourage unwelcome Jehovah's Witnesses is to hold nude Satanic rites in your front garden. If you have no garden, invite them in and sacrifice a naked virgin in front of them.
Moleskin Underwear "Ruined My Youth" Claims Desmond Tutu
Among the works of the late travel writer Sidney Yardbrushe are Through Yemen in a Sedan-Chair, Barefoot Across the Dornod Province of Mongolia on a Unicycle, and Traversing the Japanese Mangrove Swamps by Coracle.
Titchmarsh: "My Sado-Masochistic Will Hay Fantasies"
while Librans with Ducks Disease should steer clear of tofu. Wheelbarrows bode ill for Sagittarian postmen, and Piscean economists can expect an encounter with a rotten carp. Ovulating Leo bus-drivers cannot
Tim Burton's New Movie Stars Johnny Depp As Johnny Depp
Tim Burton's new movie stars Johnny Depp as Tim Burton as Tim Burton as Johnny Depp as Tim Burton.
Elves Make Best Toast, Claims Rabbi
Dorking inventor Gideon Bable, famous for inventing the air-conditioned waistcoat, is currently working on a TV for budgerigars, an electronic paperweight and a virtual hangover cure.
The Romans Knew How To Build A Patio
More Highlights From The Cretin Channel:
20:00 Heston's Mirror
Heston Blumenthal makes toadspawn toffee and carp and mandarin jelly for Giles Coren in front of his ego-magnifying mirror.
Harry Redknapp Is The New Harry Redknapp
In essence, Bilberry's girl has grown up for summer. It's all about the Tilly-Front frotted trenches and the Gotterdammerung hemlines. Sporty-but-gothic pixie-hoods and denim knee-masks are so Bilberry!
Ear Muffs Are The New Harry Redknapp
Put the Vatican Cardinal in a muslin bag and soak in brine overnight. Shave your Deacon and pop him into a large pan of boiling salted water. Bring back to the boil and simmer for 35 minutes. Chop
Monet Designed Coracles In His Spare Time
Jehova's Witnesses? The front of my house is a replica of HMS Victory's port-side battery with 50 guns. A ripple broadside from that lot soon puts them to flight.
Luxembourg Is Inspiration For British Navy Plans
A hollow Straw Effigy of George Osborne, stolen from Bishops Stortford taxidermist Ken Faggott, has been discovered in The House Of Commons.
Free Tarot Readings This Easter
Tired of Jehova's Witnesses? I find a phalanx of Ancient Greek Hoplite Spearmen quickly dispels their attacks. The main cost is in provisions, though the Greeks do like plain food.
Parrots Hold Key To Economic Recovery
George Osborne In A Bottle, £5 ONO. Left & Right Eric Pickles Whoopee Cushions, £3.50 the pair. Ann Widdecombe-In-A-Box, 85p.
Tim Burton's New Movie Stars Tim Burton As Tim Burton
Tim Burton's new movie version of The Turn Of The Screw stars Peter Quint as Miss Jessel as Miles as Flora as The Governess as Mrs Grose as Tim Burton.
Morocco Leather Makes The Best Pyjamas
Another lover of straw is popular singer Matt Cardle. "My ambition is to do a whole album about straw", claimed Matt, yesterday; "but for now I am sticking to songs about shite."
Straw Brings Fresh Hope To Lithuania
When cooking with straw, it is important not to neglect your sauces, particularly where meat from the freshwater seals of Lake Baikal is concerned, if you want to avoid over-strawing the pudding.
Yeast Is The New Cube Geometry
"We only have straw crockery", says Boris Johnson. "It was the Etruscan way, and that suits me. I also have a statuette of the Etruscan god Fufluns in my wine-cellar, so it's not all about straw."
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