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Malcolm Muggeridge Loved My Coddled Egg Suppers Claims Boy George

A sand sculpture of Sheridan Le Fanu playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier has been stolen from Jimmy Osmond's Garden Shed.

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
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Cow Wedged in Chimney

"I wrote all Ravel's piano works", claimed Devon watering-can repairer Adelbert Lossiemouth yesterday. "I was the real brain behind them. Ravel just did the music."

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
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I Auditioned For Mungo Jerry Claims Archbishop

Osmotherley bagpipes-repairer Julian Apeclinger says of Lady Gaga: "I think she's a real picture of beauty. Unfortunately, it's a Picasso."

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
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Quorn is the New Cod's Head and Shoulders

More Highlights from the Cretin Channel:

20:00 Hilda Goes In - Hilda the Undercover Hippo investigates the Norfolk Punch & Judy Scandal
21:00 Celebrity Jerk-Off - can Elton John out-jism Ed Sheeran?

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
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I wrote "Land of Hope and Glory" Claims Idiot

Pontefract hot water bottle designer Colin Artifact has had to abandon plans to reproduce the wooden Hot Water bottles of the Etruscans. "You can't get the wood these days", he said yesterday.

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
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Owls Nesting In Archbishop

Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil has little time for cod. "Their necks are too thick", she moaned yesterday. "You can't get your hands round them."

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
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Cold Calling "Is Entrepreneuring At Its Best" Claims Con-Man

What's Happening In Towcester

The Roman Doorways exhibition at Sponne School has a fascinating display of wood and leather escutcheons! Catch the display of Victorian Milk Jugs at Towcester Museum while you can!

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
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Eigenstates Are The New Soap Operas

A transparent statue of Cardinal Wolsey commissioned by Abelard Siskin, Mayor of Canterford, is not an eye-sore, the Mayor claimed yesterday. "You wouldn't know it was there", he told reporters.

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
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I Used To Supply Idi Amin With Wensleydale Rams

The Two David Livingstones have moved again, to a semi in Lewes. "We'll be happier here", said the second Livingstone yesterday. "There's a road called Stanley Street nearby. Perfect."

written by Erskin Quint, 10 March 2017
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Dale Winton Drank From My Grandmother's Breasts

Troubled by Jehova's Witnesses? Hang a week-old mutilated corpse from the apple tree in your garden. They'll not come near. No apple tree? Just leave the corpse slumped by the front door.

written by Erskin Quint, 10 March 2017
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Coelacanths Are The New Hector Heathcoat

"James Corden is an irritating fatuous gobshite", says Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha. "I died in 1851, but it's obvious to me. So what's wrong with the Americans? Hang on..."

written by Erskin Quint, 10 March 2017
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Fake Napoleon Scourge Threatens Isle of Wight

House & Home
with Aunty Jean

Now is the time to be protecting your garden against Dingoes, Wombats and Aborigines on walkabout. A good shotgun works for me. It keeps Jehova's Witnesses at bay too.

written by Erskin Quint, 09 March 2017
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Planet Jupiter "Really a Hydrogen Balloon full of Dead Geese", Claims Procurator Fiscal

The Two David Livingstones are relishing their new semi at Burwash. "The lounge is especially lovely now we have our papier-mache bust of Hereward The Wake on the coffe table", they enthused, yesterday.

written by Erskin Quint, 09 March 2017
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Buckingham Palace Car Boot Sale Ruined By Commanche Raid

Gravesend Police are hunting the gang who stole urine samples from their laboratory. "Somebody is taking the piss", said a spokesperson, yesterday.

written by Erskin Quint, 09 March 2017
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Nude Eskimo Couple Refused Entry at Ascot

Local News Update

Twelve more papier-mache busts of Hereward The Wake have appeared at Chichester pub The Running Sore. "We are up to our eyes with these busts", said landlord Colin Drab, yesterday.

written by Erskin Quint, 09 March 2017
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Charcoal Stains Ruined My Life Claims Towcester Scullion

Local News

Another six papier-mache busts of Hereward The Wake have turned up at Chichester pub The Running Sore. "I'm at my wit's end with all these busts", claimed landlord Colin Drab, yesterday.

written by Erskin Quint, 09 March 2017
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More Bad Weather Forecasts Forecast

A papier-mâché bust of Hereward The Wake has gone missing from a Horsham chicken-processing plant.

written by Erskin Quint, 09 March 2017
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Bilge Pump Failure Blamed On Wasp

Among the newly-discovered unpublished Sherlock Holmes stories are The Adventure of the Crouching Bishop, The Pummelled Fop and The Adventure of the Yodelling Dwarves.

written by Erskin Quint, 09 March 2017
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Suet Puddings Are The New Desuetude

A charcoal drawing of Winnie Mandela playing leapfrog with Lulu while Saki constructs a papier-mache bust of Hereward the Wake on Saltcoats Pier has been stolen from Jim Dale's pornography collection.

written by Erskin Quint, 09 March 2017
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Apartheid Still Active In Broadstairs Claims Disgraced Clown

The Two David Livingstones have moved into a new semi-detached at Cuckfield. "We had had enough of Hurstpierpoint, said David Livingstone, yesterday. "It was the catcalling drove us away from there."

written by Erskin Quint, 09 March 2017
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Owl Surge Threatens Vatican

A missing Wet Plate Collodion photograph of Lulu playing leapfrog with Arthur Askey and Mao Tse-tung on Saltcoats Pier has been discovered in the glovebox of Florence Nightingale's Ford Anglia.

written by Erskin Quint, 08 March 2017
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Heston Blumenthal Rogered Me On Air Claims Suffolk Hospital DJ

A wax crayon etching of Lord Boothby strangling Margaret Thatcher while Lulu and Sammy Davis Junior play leapfrog on Saltcoats Pier has been stolen from the pannier of Frank Bruno's Penny Farthing.

written by Erskin Quint, 08 March 2017
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Baby Elephant Stuck in Croyden Bathtub

Among the books left behind by late travel-writer Sidney Yardbrushe are Travels With The Bumbolompa Umbrella-People, Six Months In Lederhosen and How To Avoid Hartlepool.

written by Erskin Quint, 08 March 2017
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Ali Baba "Based on Jeffrey Archer", Claims Otley Ned Sherrin Lookalike

A sepia photograph of Sir Francis Drake playing leapfrog with Rasputin and Lulu on Saltcoats Pier has been damaged by melted Wensleydale cheese.

written by Erskin Quint, 08 March 2017


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