Showing snippets written by Erskin Quint.
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"My copy of Dante's Divine Comedy makes an ideal bludgeon", claims Dorking wife-beater Kevin Twatte. "It's far weightier than anything by that cunt Jeffrey Archer."
Uranus Is The New Hitler
Sagittarian sackbut-repairers should beware of walruses. Librans need not fear bearded elkherds. If you are a Piscean troubador, you are in the wrong century.
New Dog Breed Discovered in China
More Cretin Channel Treats
20:30 - 21:00 Celebrity George Osborne Quest. Richard & Judy crash out after they fail to find a use for George Osborne.
Brimstone Is The New Friday
A shocking new report warns debt-ridden discredited Western governments that the supply of Sitting Duck Middle Eastern "whipping-boy" dictatorships is fast running out.
Mongolia Launches First Lifeboat
More From Tonight's Cretin Channel
21:00 - 22:00 Celebrity PM For A Day
Dale Winton goes on holiday to Cornwall. Esther Rantzen complains about the debt inherited from the previous government. Kerry Katona sorts Libya.
More About Plankton
Highlights From Tonight's Cretin Channel
21:00 - 23:00 David Cameron's Top 100 Holidays. Stephen Fry counts down and various wankers make vacuous comments.
Pam Ayres Explodes
Damon Shyster's latest art installation called Jedward Backward sees half of Jedward suspended in formaldehyde and reversed. Which half? That's the point.
Try Uniform Gay Dating!
"We had a great time!" cries Tittie from Loughborough. "I dated the Laughing Etruscan Warrior Costume correctly and won an Etruscan Mother & Child statuette. It's just a replica, but we had a great time!"
Gingham Is "The New Corduroy", Claims Greek Orthodox Bishop
Martin Cholera, an Ipswich egg sizer, is building a scale model of the Lighthouse Of Alexandria out of discarded toblerone packages. "I love toblerone and I am obsessed with the Pharos of Alexandria", he screamed.
Towcester Celebrates Roman History
The Roman Milking Parlour exhibition at Sponne School runs until December, and, among other questions, it answers the age-old query: "did the Romans have Milkmaids?" See the Roman Milkmaid's Leather Pail and decide for yourself!
More Towcester News
Towcester was not called Lactodurum for nothing, as the Roman Milking Parlour exhibition at Sponne School proves. Here, until December, you can see an original Roman Milkman's Leather Apron and Hat
It's All Happening In Towcester
Visit the Roman Milking Parlour exhibition at Sponne School. It runs until December. See the Roman Leather Milking Machines and the Roman Leather Milk Churns and the Roman Leather Butter Knife. We are joking about the knife.
Caterwauling Banned In Philadelphia
Regency human cannonball Horace Crumpole was killed yesterday, . Crumpole, who dressed as Napoleon Bonaparte, died when his tricorn hat got wedged in the cannon, causing a fatal explosion.
Sales of Powdered Jedward Drinks Plummet
Napoleon kept an imaginary shoal of trout in his greatcoat, which he was forever tickling. Alexander The Great had an imaginary mandrill named Nibbles in a Greek Urn.
Ways To Eradicate Jedward
Why not pour boiling oil on them while they are doing their hair? Firing them out of a cannon would be good, so long as you pointed it out over the Irish Sea.
Mrs Thatcher "Obsessed With Omelettes", Claims Norfolk Idiot
There is no getting away from it. It's time to cull your Barbershop Quartet. I use cluster bombs. These are great if you're culling on a budget. Money no object? Try a helicopter gunship.
Never Offer A Wombat Mashed Potato
Sidney Yardbrushe, the much-missed travel writer, bequeathed such titles as: Explore Scunthorpe By Rickshaw, Halifax and Todmorden On A Budget, and Across Wolverhampton In A Bullock-Cart.
Naked Rambler Attacked By Giant Panda
Piscean mole-catchers can expect a visit from an Etruscan Nelson impersonator who will bore them with tales of the Battle of the Nile and show slides of the Chimera of Arezzo.
Home and Earth
with Aunty Jean
Why are modern girls so scared of darning a gusset? The Reverend Moonbender was helping me hang out the washing one day and I thought, "if the Vicar isn't frightened to handle my gussets, then why should I be?"
Home And Hearth
with Aunty Jean
Modern girls seem so frightened of repairing a worn gusset. They'd sooner buy new. That's not how we got through rationing and the Suez Crisis! Don't be scared of those gussets, girls!
Chinese Trivets Flood Western Market
...gravy granules with Piscean Rent Boys. It is a time for Capricorns to be wary of a thumbless hitch-hiker. There is a high probability that Virgo Undertakers wil have an encounter with a Komodo Dragon.
Gorgeous Georgian Girls Are Desperate To Meet You
Have you tried the Uniform Dating sites? They are a real hoot! Last night me and a bunch of friends logged on and had an absolute riot trying to put a date on a Prussian Cavalry Uniform!
Come To Jutland This Autumn
"See, these gangsters were the cream of the crop. Others fell by the wayside, such as Wooden Legs Diamond and Ugly Mug Floyd. Not to mention Leather Face Nelson, but I guess I already did. So sue me, ya ugly old fuck."
Tea Cakes Are "The New Black", Claims Nun
Legs prone to trembling during sex in alley-ways or when being knighted? A dash of Spiffle! behind the knees will do the trick! "Before Spiffle! my Baked Alaska was always a disaster", says Mrs Gratuitous of Tadcaster.
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