Showing snippets written by Erskin Quint.
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Butler's Clothes-Horse Nightmare
"Sometimes I get lonely and want a man", says Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil, "but as soon as I stand in front of a kettle of writhing eels, I'm cheery enough again."
Clement Freud Used To Salivate When I Showed Him My Kumquats, Claims Pwllheli Transvestite
The missing 3000-piece jigsaw of Lord Nelson and Lady Hamilton Strolling on Saltcoats Pier may not in fact exist, claims Ardrossan pet-shop owner Jonty McStoater. "I've nivver seen it", he said.
Valerie Singleton's Oboe Hell
It was in 1864 that Tesco Van Morrison, the Corsican explorer, crossed the Salt Mountains of the Upumboola Hinterland, and met the Crouching Omelette-Eaters of Wahabilli, who still worship Napoleon.
Tin Man "Based on Hitler's Dentist" Claims Salmesbury Gobshite
"I died in 1851", says Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, "but I still think that Rolf Harris is a genuine nonce. Now yon Jimmy Savile were different, a real man's man."
Devil-Worshippers Boiled My Canary
Alone Among the Blood-Gargling Mgungu Headhunters is one of the late travel-writer Sidney Yardbrushe's most remarkable books, perhaps second only to A Weekend in Oswaldtwistle.
Boise, Idaho Ice Cream Man Eats Wife
"My favourite bible is The King James Bible", claims Dorking wife-beater Kevin Twatte. "It's usually heavy and solid. You can't do much damage with these poncey Books of Mormon or Jerusalem Bibles."
Bishop Removed From Mandrill
Highlights From The Cretin Channel
19:00 The Infinity Show - Professor Brian Cox tries to measure Heston Blumenthal's ego
21:00 Dickathon - James Corden talks to James Corden about James Corden
Canvey Island Magistrate Stuck In Rent Boy
Dorking bachelor Dick Palmer has joined a dating agency. "My first date was a disaster", he said. "When I suggested we could save money and time if she masturbated me in my car, she ran away."
Frank Bough Painted My Blind Uncle in the Nude
while Piscean lion tamers can expect a visit from a trans-sexual window cleaner. Meanwhile, Sagittarians will live up to their sign by wearing a loincloth to church.
"Strangle a Cat Today" Initiative Launched in Halifax
Former Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson is to concentrate on being a loud gobshite who makes a fortune from talking shite to an audience of morons.
Bishop Discovered in Tin of Mock Duck
Tim Burton's latest movie stars Johnny Depp as Helena Bonham Carter as Johnny Depp as Johnny Depp as Johnny Depp.
Quantum Foam Is The New Elvis
A 1924 sugar lift etching of Dan Leno playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats pier, while Mussolini smokes a Meerschaum pipe in the background, has been stolen from Cheryl Fernandez-Versini's handbag.
Yet More Classifieds
Jigsaw of the Beheading of John the Baptist (Disney Version);
20 tins of World War II Powdered Horse Milk - just add water and stand clear;
Two Severed Ears, not a pair, in Christmas paper.
Asstd Used Merkins, various colours;
Box of broken bottles - great for injuring cats;
Lovely 10000-piece jigsaw of the subatomic space
Plastic trivet for sale, lost its shape, hence low price;
Case of World War II Mock Horse Puddings, might no longer be eatable;
Bag of hair from shaved corpses, suitable for pillows, wigs, merkins etc
Pronking Is The New Cunnilingus
To discourage unwanted Jehova's Witnesses, answer the door completely nude, holding a haddock, and say "Would you mind holding my haddock while I masturbate?" They won't come back.
Horse Rescued From Mezzanine Floor
Award-winning poet Len Blatt's new work, a tour-de-force entitled A Brecon Threnody, is a set of sixteen sestinas, and tells the story of a poultry-farmer's struggle with mirrors and powdered egg.
I Milked John Craven While My Mother Slept, Claims Dover Pig Breeder
Late travel-writer Sidney Yardbrushe left behind works such as Get Creative With Yak Meat, More Things To Do With Yak, and Let's Try Horse For A Change.
Archdeacon Wedged in Chimney
Sidney Yardbrushe, the late travel writer, bequeathed us such gems as The Wheelbarrows of Siberia, The Hindu Kush in a Bubble Car, and the unpublished Bhutanese Girls Really Go.
Poltergeists Are The New Marmalade
Dorking inventor Gideon Bable has come up with an electric shoehorn, a self-assembling jigsaw, and a miniature ladder set for pygmy window cleaners.
Find Love Now!
New Guinea Girls are waiting for your! Be the first one in your shitty town to install a tattoo-covered head-hunting bride in your bed-sit. They're desperate. They worship the Duke of Edinburgh!
More From The Cretin Channel:
21:00 Gobshite Britain: The team spends a day with Wayne Cunt, a tail-gating, BMW-driving Con-Man. They accompany him as he scams naive people out of their pensions.
Skeleton Makes Good
Never harbour jackdaws. They shall ruin your home and hearth. Bringing their dark hearts into your boudoirs, these harbingers belong in the skeletal sycamores of Winter.
I Had Tantric with Aled Jones, Claims Huddersfield Lorry Driver
"Prince Philip is a member of the House of Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg", says Buckingham Palace flunkey Raymond Parasite, "but that doesn't stop him blocking all the Palace toilets."
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