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Discover Jutland!

"My copy of Dante's Divine Comedy makes an ideal bludgeon", claims Dorking wife-beater Kevin Twatte. "It's far weightier than anything by that cunt Jeffrey Archer."

written by Erskin Quint, 18 February 2012
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Uranus Is The New Hitler

Sagittarian sackbut-repairers should beware of walruses. Librans need not fear bearded elkherds. If you are a Piscean troubador, you are in the wrong century.

written by Erskin Quint, 18 February 2012
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New Dog Breed Discovered in China

More Cretin Channel Treats

20:30 - 21:00 Celebrity George Osborne Quest. Richard & Judy crash out after they fail to find a use for George Osborne.

written by Erskin Quint, 05 September 2011
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Brimstone Is The New Friday

A shocking new report warns debt-ridden discredited Western governments that the supply of Sitting Duck Middle Eastern "whipping-boy" dictatorships is fast running out.

written by Erskin Quint, 05 September 2011
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Mongolia Launches First Lifeboat

More From Tonight's Cretin Channel

21:00 - 22:00 Celebrity PM For A Day

Dale Winton goes on holiday to Cornwall. Esther Rantzen complains about the debt inherited from the previous government. Kerry Katona sorts Libya.

written by Erskin Quint, 05 September 2011
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More About Plankton

Highlights From Tonight's Cretin Channel

21:00 - 23:00 David Cameron's Top 100 Holidays. Stephen Fry counts down and various wankers make vacuous comments.

written by Erskin Quint, 05 September 2011
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Pam Ayres Explodes

Damon Shyster's latest art installation called Jedward Backward sees half of Jedward suspended in formaldehyde and reversed. Which half? That's the point.

written by Erskin Quint, 05 September 2011
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Try Uniform Gay Dating!

"We had a great time!" cries Tittie from Loughborough. "I dated the Laughing Etruscan Warrior Costume correctly and won an Etruscan Mother & Child statuette. It's just a replica, but we had a great time!"

written by Erskin Quint, 04 September 2011
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Gingham Is "The New Corduroy", Claims Greek Orthodox Bishop

Martin Cholera, an Ipswich egg sizer, is building a scale model of the Lighthouse Of Alexandria out of discarded toblerone packages. "I love toblerone and I am obsessed with the Pharos of Alexandria", he screamed.

written by Erskin Quint, 04 September 2011
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Towcester Celebrates Roman History

The Roman Milking Parlour exhibition at Sponne School runs until December, and, among other questions, it answers the age-old query: "did the Romans have Milkmaids?" See the Roman Milkmaid's Leather Pail and decide for yourself!

written by Erskin Quint, 04 September 2011
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More Towcester News

Towcester was not called Lactodurum for nothing, as the Roman Milking Parlour exhibition at Sponne School proves. Here, until December, you can see an original Roman Milkman's Leather Apron and Hat

written by Erskin Quint, 04 September 2011
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It's All Happening In Towcester

Visit the Roman Milking Parlour exhibition at Sponne School. It runs until December. See the Roman Leather Milking Machines and the Roman Leather Milk Churns and the Roman Leather Butter Knife. We are joking about the knife.

written by Erskin Quint, 04 September 2011
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Caterwauling Banned In Philadelphia

Napoleon Blownapart!

Regency human cannonball Horace Crumpole was killed yesterday, . Crumpole, who dressed as Napoleon Bonaparte, died when his tricorn hat got wedged in the cannon, causing a fatal explosion.

written by Erskin Quint, 04 September 2011
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Sales of Powdered Jedward Drinks Plummet

Napoleon kept an imaginary shoal of trout in his greatcoat, which he was forever tickling. Alexander The Great had an imaginary mandrill named Nibbles in a Greek Urn.

written by Erskin Quint, 04 September 2011
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Ways To Eradicate Jedward

Why not pour boiling oil on them while they are doing their hair? Firing them out of a cannon would be good, so long as you pointed it out over the Irish Sea.

written by Erskin Quint, 04 September 2011
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Mrs Thatcher "Obsessed With Omelettes", Claims Norfolk Idiot

There is no getting away from it. It's time to cull your Barbershop Quartet. I use cluster bombs. These are great if you're culling on a budget. Money no object? Try a helicopter gunship.

written by Erskin Quint, 04 September 2011
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Never Offer A Wombat Mashed Potato

Sidney Yardbrushe, the much-missed travel writer, bequeathed such titles as: Explore Scunthorpe By Rickshaw, Halifax and Todmorden On A Budget, and Across Wolverhampton In A Bullock-Cart.

written by Erskin Quint, 04 September 2011
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Naked Rambler Attacked By Giant Panda

Piscean mole-catchers can expect a visit from an Etruscan Nelson impersonator who will bore them with tales of the Battle of the Nile and show slides of the Chimera of Arezzo.

written by Erskin Quint, 04 September 2011
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Home and Earth

with Aunty Jean

Why are modern girls so scared of darning a gusset? The Reverend Moonbender was helping me hang out the washing one day and I thought, "if the Vicar isn't frightened to handle my gussets, then why should I be?"

written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
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Home And Hearth

with Aunty Jean

Modern girls seem so frightened of repairing a worn gusset. They'd sooner buy new. That's not how we got through rationing and the Suez Crisis! Don't be scared of those gussets, girls!

written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
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Chinese Trivets Flood Western Market

...gravy granules with Piscean Rent Boys. It is a time for Capricorns to be wary of a thumbless hitch-hiker. There is a high probability that Virgo Undertakers wil have an encounter with a Komodo Dragon.

written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
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Gorgeous Georgian Girls Are Desperate To Meet You

Have you tried the Uniform Dating sites? They are a real hoot! Last night me and a bunch of friends logged on and had an absolute riot trying to put a date on a Prussian Cavalry Uniform!

written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
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Come To Jutland This Autumn

"See, these gangsters were the cream of the crop. Others fell by the wayside, such as Wooden Legs Diamond and Ugly Mug Floyd. Not to mention Leather Face Nelson, but I guess I already did. So sue me, ya ugly old fuck."

written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
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Tea Cakes Are "The New Black", Claims Nun

Legs prone to trembling during sex in alley-ways or when being knighted? A dash of Spiffle! behind the knees will do the trick! "Before Spiffle! my Baked Alaska was always a disaster", says Mrs Gratuitous of Tadcaster.

written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
Showing page 3 (of 22 pages)


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