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Reason Revealed For Formula One Grand Prix Tedium
'We only hold one Grand Prix every few years,' admitted Bernie Ecclestone. 'We then replay that film with a different commentary on other occasions. I'm amazed that no fan has ever noticed.'
Government Plans To Tax Super Rich Will Hurt Charity Incomes
'Shit,' said David Cameron to reporters. 'We may have to start thinking-through our policies in future rather than saying the first thing we think of that we believe Daily Mail readers will like.'
Boat Race Becomes Vaguely Interesting
'The multiple incidents during this year's boat race,' concluded a BBC reporter, 'have made this irrelevant competition between over-privileged toffs more interesting than it has been for decades.'
The Titanic Continues To Claim Victims
'If I hear one more thing in the media about the bloody Titanic,' said a typical member of the British public, 'I'm going to drown myself.'
New Rules To Be Introduced So Teachers Can Be Sacked Easily
'A culture of bullying and fear will encourage good teaching,' said a government spokesman. 'Success of this policy will be judged by increases in stress related illnesses and suicide among teachers.'
A Menu Of The Last Meal Served To Passengers On Board The Titanic Has Sold For £76,000
The memoirs of a survivor note that when he had ordered fresh fish served in brine, he had not anticipated the result.
Panic Buying As Tesco Announce Possible Future Croissant Shortage
'I don't even like croissants,' said a typical shopper, who had queued for hours, 'but, if there's to be a shortage, I have to buy as many packs as possible, now.'
Ground Breaking Gastro Pub Wins Highest Gastro Pub Award
'We have taken the gastro pub to its ultimate conclusion,' said the winning chef. 'No food is provided, but meticulous attention is given to decorating empty plates - all at ultra-premium prices.'
Kuwait Makes Further National Anthem Errors After Playing A Spoof Anthem From Borat For Kazakhstan
'Apologies,' said a spokesman,'for playing I Used to Have Money for Greece; Wreck on the Highway for Italy; World Domination for the US; Blitzkrieg Bop for Germany and Too Drunk To F*** for Scotland.'
Chancellor Reveals Next Phase In Plans To Deflect Attention From Cuts By Turning People Against Each Other
'We've demonised bankers, the rich and public sector workers,' George Osborne told reporters. 'It's time we encouraged the public to resent those evil, money grabbing pensioners!'
Kate Winslet And Leonardo DiCaprio To Reunite For New QE2 Movie
'It will be twice as good as Titanic,' said a studio spokesman. 'On her maiden voyage, the QE2 also sailed from Southampton to New York, but didn't sink half way.'
Press Complaints Commission To Investigate Media Coverage Of The Duchess Of Cambridge
'We have had many complaints,' said a spokesman, 'about the unrelenting, sickeningly fawning and sycophantic coverage of everything she does. We will be exploring why the media are digging no dirt.'
Hunt On For New Archbishop Of Canterbury
'An intelligent, thoughtful scholar in post didn't work,' said an Anglican spokesman. 'We need a not too bright fundamentalist. Those with simple beliefs will approve, and others will show tolerance.'
Graduate Unemployment Rises
'It's really depressing,' said a typical unemployed graduate. 'It sometimes makes me feel that my four year MSc in Media Studies was a complete waste of time.'
UK Government Adopts New Strategy To Target Welfare and Taxation Reforms
'Full financial, and personal details of all UK residents will be published in the Daily Mail,' confirmed a government spokesman.'The readership will then vote to decide how much money each deserves.'
Gorillas Do Not Develop Dementia Say Scientists Who Have Sequenced Gorilla Genome
'This may lead to gene therapy for human dementia sufferers,' said the team, 'if side effects can be overcome such as the growth of thick black body hair and obsessive consumption of bananas.'
Solar Storm May Make Sat Navs Useless Say Experts
'Large lorries will get jammed in country lanes and car drivers will be directed to incorrect locations,' warned a motoring organisation spokesman. 'In short, it will be just like any other day.'
English Fans Express Relief At Financial Collapse Of Rangers Football Club
'At last the English won't have to listen to endless results of Celtic - Rangers matches on English television and radio,' confessed a relieved English sports fan.
Radical Change Proposed In American Presidential Election Process
'The winner will still be the richest person who also can raise the most money,' said a White House spokesman, 'but the money will be given to help the poor rather than being wasted on campaigning.'
American 'Silly Names' Competition Reaches Crucial Phase
'With Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich still in the competition,' said a commentator, 'Barack Obama must be pretty damned worried.'
Olympic Games Ticket Sold To A Member Of The Public
'We don't know how such an error occurred,' confessed Chair of the London 2012 Organising Committee, Sebastian Coe. 'The ticket has now been confiscated and reallocated to a corporate sponsor.'
UK Population United On Austerity Measures
'100% of the UK population support stringent, targeted austerity measures,' confirmed a spokesman for MORI, today. 'All believe, however, that measures should be targeted at anyone other than them.'
The Modern World Is Too Complicated, Concludes Government Think Tank
'Too much emphasis has been placed on increasing educational attainment,' said a spokesman. 'What is really required is to make life simpler so people don't need so much education.'
Commuters Urged To Form Human National Water Grid
'800,000 UK workers travel 30 miles or more to work, daily,' said an environment spokesman. 'If each took a pint of water from their wettest to their driest destination, the drought would be solved.'
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