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Psychiatric Hospitals Filled To Capacity With Black Friday Shoppers
'Those who choose to shop on a day that is known to be analogous to an expedition to Hell,' said one psychiatrist, 'meet the legal definition of insanity. The law thus compels us to lock them up.'
Pope Francis In Turkey Urges The World To Combat Extremism
'People must cease to hold unshakable beliefs based on tradition and emotion and not substantiated by any objective evidence … oops,' said the Supreme Pontiff.
Social Media Told To Simplify Terms And Conditions By Commons Committee
Facebook and Twitter are considering a single line data statement that simply says that anything typed onto any computer can be viewed by anyone in this universe and probably in the entire multiverse.
Three-point Turn To Be Dropped From UK Driving Test
'Use of satellite navigation systems will be examined instead,' said a Transport Ministry spokesman, 'although the time allocated for tests will increase to accommodate journeys via John O'Groats.'
BBC Criticised For Using Subtitles In Interview with a County Londonderry Blacksmith On Its Countryfile Programme
'Representatives of Irish organisations have telephoned us,' admitted a BBC spokesman, 'to say that the subtitles were unnecessary and offensive - at least we think that's what they said.'
The Governor Of The Bank Of England Suggests Increasingly Complex Ways To Control Dishonesty By Bankers
'The telling thing about Mark Carney's recent speech in Singapore,' said an analyst, 'was that it was based on the unstated premise that there could never be such a thing as an honest banker.'
Russia Is Planning An Alternative Version Of Wikipedia, Announces The Country's Presidential Library
'The first article will be about our heroic attempts to liberate the Ukraine,' confirmed a Russian spokesman. 'The next will be about the suicide of Alexander Litvinenko.'
Qatar World Cup Bid Did Not Involve Corruption, Concludes Fifa
'This is a magnificent achievement,' said a typical observer of Middle Eastern affairs. 'That makes it the first major deal in this part of the world that has not involved corruption.'
Plans Unveiled For £97m Supercomputer To Boost Met Office Computing Capacity By 13 Times
'We will still have no bloody idea,' confirmed a Met office expert, 'what tomorrow's weather will be in southern Hampshire.'
Wi-Fi signal named "Al-Qaeda Free Terror Network" Results In Long Delay For Passengers At Los Angeles Airport
'Our networks are usually named as variations on: 'Moms apple pie - God Bless America,' confirmed an Al-Qaeda spokesman. 'Otherwise it would be a bit f***ing obvious.'
Sweden Abandons Search For Russian Submarine
'We won this round,' said Russian President, Vladimir Putin. 'Now Sweden must hide a sub in Russian territorial waters. We are already covering our eyes and counting.'
Catholic Archbishop Smith Of Southwark Commissions Investigation Into Former Head Of The Arundel And Brighton Diocese
'Bishop Kieran Conry has admitted to a legal, heterosexual relationship with a consenting adult woman,' said Archbishop Peter Smith. 'We see this as a huge leap forward for the Catholic Church.'
'There Are Too Many Foreigners In France,' Says French President Nicolas Sarkozy
'We've bin sayin' that for years,' agreed a typical English tourist. 'For a start, it's full of the French.'
Chief Executive Of NewsCorp Accuses Google Of Cynical Management
Chief Executive of NewsCorp, Robert Johnson, believes that Google cynically uses its influence to disadvantage other news providers. 'Believe us,' said Mr Johnson, 'we are experts on this subject.'
Police Make Six Arrests After Separating Groups Of Skirmishing Unionist And independence Supporters In Glasgow
'The referendum has clearly honed the Scots' organisational skills,' said an observer. 'It's less than 24 hours after the vote, yet Glaswegians have already formed rival gangs and started fights.'
Scottish Referendum Highlights Lack Of People In Scotland
'I was astounded,' said a typical Englishman, 'that the population of Scotland numbers less than 70% of the population of Greater London. What was all the fuss about? There's hardly anyone there.'
Plymouth University Has Agreed To Spend £150,000 On Seven Chairs For Graduation Ceremonies
'Some of the cost,' said Professor David Coslett, deputy vice chancellor, 'will pay for a PR consultant to try to avoid us looking ridiculous in these days of austerity and rising tuition fees.'
September 19th Is 'International Talk Like A Pirate Day'
People throughout the world are being encouraged to use expressions such a 'Ahoy matey' and 'We're from Mogadishu, and we're taking control of this oil tanker.'
Scottish Businesses Try To Sound Upbeat About A Possible 'Yes' Vote
'Independence could be good for Scotland,' said a spokesman for Scottish Industry, 'as long as the border could be moved closer to Thurso.'
Protests At News That Just 3% of England's GCSE Papers Will Be Awarded The New Ultra-high Grade From 2017
'This is just another example of the exam system discriminating against the not-so-bright,' said a spokesman for the 'high grades for all' campaign.
Dawlish Mud And Straw House Collapses
A traditionally built house of compacted mud and straw has collapsed in a Devon town. The three pigs who own the property have blamed a big bad wolf. 'We'll use bricks next time,' they resolved.
'Inverted Penis' Hailed As The Next London High Rise Structure Sensation
A penis with twelve scrotums on top is joining the Shard, Walkie Talkie and Cheesegrater on London's skyline. 'It expresses,' said its designer, 'the bollocks shaping London's new architecture.'
Astronomers Close To Confirming Big Bang Theory
'We are examining microwaves produced at the time of the Big Bang that are now arriving on Earth,' confirmed Professor Brian Cox. 'We now await the predicted arrival of fridges and washing machines.'
Relief As Asda Confirms That Ukraine Crisis Will Not Affect Chicken Kiev Supplies
'Chicken Kievs need not originate in Kiev,' said a spokesman. 'Cornish Pasties all come from Cornwall, whereas Kievs, like Scotch Eggs, can be made anywhere. They are unaffected by Putin's invasion.'
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