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Bots Now Account For Most Website Traffic
'If a real person happens to read your headline,' said a researcher, 'invite him or her to join the other twenty known, human web users at the Rose and Crown in Putney on Tuesday night.'
James Bond Drinks Four Times The Recommended Maximum Daily Alcohol Intake, Calculate Doctors
'Many 007 buffs conclude that Bond was born around 1920,' countered an alcohol industry spokesman. 'That puts him in his mid-nineties and still saving the world,so booze is clearly doing him no harm.'
Man Who Faked Sign Language At Mandela Memorial Admits Problems In Previous Jobs
'I was sacked from directing traffic after the car crashes, from the Navy Signals Corps after those boats collided, and from guiding taxiing aircraft after that 747 hit a terminal building,' he said.
Teachers In Wales Hit Back At Report Complaining That Pupils Have No Idea How To Take A Maths Test
'Eighty percent of our students know very well how to take a maths test,' responded a spokesperson for teachers in Wales, 'and we will urgently be teaching those skills to the other thirty percent.'
Home Secretary, Theresa May, Promises To "Address The Gaps" In The Government's Response To Extremism
When asked to define "Extremism" she explained that it was any view she didn't like. 'That certainly encompasses the promotion of hatred,' she added, 'but may also include deviation from Tory policy.'
George Osborne Distances Himself From Assertion By Boris That Intelligence Is A factor In Economic Inequality
'It's like saying that the poor are poor because they're stupid,' said the Chancellor. 'If we say that, we'll never get votes from the idiot majority who are in financial hardship.'
Amazon Testing Unmanned Drones To Deliver Goods To Customers
'We may also work with the US Air Force to expand our service in Pakistan,' said an Amazon spokesman. 'A drone could deliver a couple of online orders and then move straight on to bomb the Taliban.'
"Black Friday Is Not Enough," Say UK Retailers
'As it's so easy to whip shoppers into a spending frenzy,' said a UK retailers' spokesman, 'we are considering the introduction of "Hysteria Saturday" and "Psychotic Sunday" to follow "Black Friday."'
Dr Who Reveals His Approach To Reducing Stress During The Festive Season
'In mid-December I always take the Tardis directly to mid-January,' admitted the Doctor. 'I can handle Daleks and Ice Warriors, but, frankly, I can't face Christmas.'
Daily Mail Reallocates 'Evil Alien' Designation
'Until 1st January,' revealed Daily Mail editor, Paul Dacre, 'we will cease to vilify asylum seekers. Instead, we will be warning against the evil Bulgarian hoards who will then invade our land.'
"Religiously-informed Judgment Of Conscience" No Excuse For Gay Discrimination, Rules Supreme Court
'We are relieved,' said a Wicca representative, as Cornish B&B owners, who refused accommodation to a gay couple, lose appeal. 'Christians now have no precedent to burn us at the stake.'
Value Of A Bitcoin Surpasses $1,000 For The First Time
'The price is being inflated,' said one financial analyst, 'by thousands of people buying into the currency who are unfamiliar with the terms: overvalued, bubble and crash.'
Drug Taking Advocated For All Masterchef Judges
'If Nigella was on drugs,' said one viewer, 'that would explain why she was so chilled-out on her cookery shows. Roux, Wallace and Torode should try it to make Masterchef less intense and stressful.'
Alan Partridge Celebrated By Norwich As He Takes Centre Stage In The City's Christmas Lights
'It was a bit unfortunate that we had to use a fictional character,' said the Mayor of Norwich, sadly. 'Maybe one day a real person that everyone's heard of will come from Norwich.'
Concerns That Monty Python Reunion Show May Be Disappointing
'This is always a risk when ageing stars try to recapture their glory days,' said one producer. 'In the worst scenario, it could turn into what we now call in the trade a "Glastonbury Stones" event.'
David Cameron Accidently Follows A High-Class Escort Agency And Other 'Inappropriate' Accounts On Twitter
'There used to be automated following of every account that followed David, however unsuitable,' said Number 10. 'The escort agency is OK, but we are urgently unfollowing dozens of Tory backbenchers.'
Tabloids Admit: 'We Invented Paul Flowers: He Doesn't Really Exist'
'The story must have been made up,' said a typical reader. 'It's impossible to have religion, drugs, sex, pornography, prostitution, fraud, political corruption and all the rest in just one story!'
Police Release Figures For Their Manipulation Of Crime Figures
'Our figures show,' a police spokesman confirmed to the BBC, 'that there are no recorded instances of crime figures being manipulated by the police.'
Co-op Considers Changing Slogan Following Allegations About Former Banking Chairman, Paul Flowers
'We are considering: "Good With Drugs And Pornography; Not So Good With Financial Experience",' said a Co-op spokesperson to BBC News. 'Do you think that sounds as catchy as "Good With Food"?'
Police Hope For More Twitter Confessions As Driver Who Knocked Cyclist Off Bike, And Tweeted About It, Is Convicted
'It would be jolly helpful,' said a police spokesman, 'if more murderers tweeted something like: "It was me wot killed 'im. I'll get life if they catch me, and I'll deserve it."'
'People In Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Stones,' Says Sri Lankan President After Call For Abuses Inquiry
'This is wise advice for all glass house owners,' said a spokesman for the UK glass house builders association, 'even if it does come from someone who should be investigated for human rights abuses.'
Chancellor George Osborne Guarantees Redundant Miners Free Coal For A Year
The pledge was made during a visit to Thoresby colliery in Notts. 'We are delighted with this result,' said the colliery manager. 'We will now send the cage back down to bring Osborne to the surface.'
Education Sec Slams Simon Cowell's View: The Secret To Success Is To Be Useless At School Then 'Get Lucky'
'This sets a very poor example,' said Michael Gove. 'Everyone knows that the secret to success in Britain today is to have wealthy parents and to go to Eton, like most of my government colleagues.'
Volkswagen Recalls 2.6 Million Cars
'It was me who recalled them,' admitted the VW engineer who fought over a Golf in the controversial 2009 TV advert. 'I don't trust those bastards who buy our cars to look after them properly.'
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