Showing snippets written by Swan Morrison.

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Showing page 3 (of 14 pages)

Indian Lawyer, Chandan Kumar Sing, Attempts To Sue God in Indian Court

'Yesterday, I was caught in a violent monsoon thunderstorm,' he told reporters, 'As a result, I now intend to file a further complaint for witness intimidation.'

written by Swan Morrison, 09 February 2016

Jeremy Corbyn Provides More Detail Of His Position On Trident

'We'll keep the submarines,' he explained to reporters, 'but scrap the nuclear weapons. Instead we'll paint LET'S BE REASONABLE LADS on the side of each vessel in Russian, Chinese, Korean and Arabic.'

written by Swan Morrison, 09 February 2016

Police Consider Using Condors To Catch Criminals

Following plans by the Metropolitan Police to use eagles to catch drones, condors are being trialled to spot criminals and fly them to police stations. 'Birds are the new dogs,' said a Met spokesman.

written by Swan Morrison, 08 February 2016

Conspiracy Theorists Raise Concerns About Astronaut Deaths

'Only those who were said to have walked on the moon know the truth about faked moon landings,'said a typical conspiracy theorist. 'With the passing of Edgar Mitchell, six have now mysteriously died.'

written by Swan Morrison, 06 February 2016

Egypt Museum Staff Face Trial Over Botched Repair To Tutankhamun's Mysteriously Damaged Beard

'It's lucky they never noticed the rip in the shroud of Rameses II,' said an anonymous member of the museum staff. 'That got torn at the same fancy dress party.'

written by Swan Morrison, 24 January 2016

HMRC Sends Jolly Nice Thank You Letter To Google

'We wanted to thank Google ever so much for thinking of us and using their valuable time to pay a bit of UK tax.' said Damian Hinds MP, Exchequer Secretary to the Treasury. 'It was very kind of them.'

written by Swan Morrison, 23 January 2016

Education Secretary Champions A Diversity Of Sporting Opportunities For Young People In Schools

'Athletics teaches young people about drugs,' Nicky Morgan told UK Sport representatives, 'tennis informs them about bribery, and football allows exploration of corporate corruption.'

written by Swan Morrison, 19 January 2016

Cameron And Hunt Dismayed At Failure Of Their Honesty And Sincerity Impersonations

'They tried their best to pretend to look honest and sincere when claiming that junior doctors were being unreasonable,' said a Downing Street source, 'but sadly the public just aren't that gullible.'

written by Swan Morrison, 13 January 2016

Competition Hots Up For Most Inventive Way To Resign From Shadow Cabinet

Following Stephen Doughty's resignation on live TV, it is rumoured that another shadow minister plans to hire a plane to tow a banner across the London sky that reads "You're insane, Corbyn. I Quit!"

written by Swan Morrison, 09 January 2016

Thousands Of Hewlett Packard Printer Ink Cartridges Washed Up On British and European Beaches

'They were lost at sea last year,' said a spokesman for HP. 'Fortunately, despite their ridiculous retail cost, they contain virtually no ink and so the environmental consequences should be minimal.'

written by Swan Morrison, 08 January 2016

UK Older Persons Groups Press For Urgent Legislation To Address Term Time Holidays

'They can't stop pushy parents taking children on term time holidays,' said a spokesman, 'so we need legislation to ensure that if kids are at resorts in term time, the little bastards remain quiet.'

written by Swan Morrison, 25 October 2015

"London Gatwick Obviously" Emphasises Oil Discovery Under Gatwick Airport

'A well near Gatwick airport could yield 158 million barrels of oil.' said a spokesman for "London Gatwick Obviously". 'Piping it directly to the planes would significantly reduce travel costs.'

written by Swan Morrison, 09 April 2015

Archbishop Of Canterbury Reassures Anxious Fundamentalist Christians About Solar Eclipse

'This is a normal astronomical phenomenon,' the archbishop reassured anxious fundamentalist believers. 'It does not mean that God is angry with you.'

written by Swan Morrison, 19 March 2015

Mirror Group Phone Hacking Caused Japanese Tsunami Claims Celebrity

'I am not exaggerating,' the celebrity told the High Court in London, 'either due to justifiable anger or a wish to maximise a damages payment.'

written by Swan Morrison, 11 March 2015

Yeti Encountered In Himalayas

'This event might have provided conclusive, photographic proof of the yeti,' said a spokesman. 'Sadly, all shots used selfie sticks, and the creatures were obscured by the photographer's friends.'

written by Swan Morrison, 11 March 2015

Extraterrestrials Land In New York's Central Park

'This event might have provided conclusive, photographic proof of extraterrestrials,' said a spokesman. 'Sadly, all shots used selfie sticks, and the aliens were hidden by the photographers' friends.'

written by Swan Morrison, 11 March 2015

Sir Malcolm Rifkind Resigns As Chairman Of Parliament's Intelligence and Security Committee

The former Foreign Secretary resigns as chairman of Parliament's Intelligence and Security Committee after showing little intelligence and even less security in his dealings with undercover reporters.

written by Swan Morrison, 24 February 2015

The 2022 Qatar World Cup Rescheduled For November And December To Avoid Health Risks Of 40 Degree Temperatures

'It's just lucky that we spotted those temperature statistics in time,' said a relieved Fifa vice-president, Jim Boyce.

written by Swan Morrison, 24 February 2015

Pensioners Launch Campaign To Dissuade Young People From Voting

'The Government are throwing money at us because they know that we all vote,' said a typical older citizen. 'If the young'uns show any interest in voting, then we'll have to share the loot with them.'

written by Swan Morrison, 24 February 2015

French Police Study Video Of HSBC Directors

The video shows a gang of HSBC directors pushing a low income saver from a Paris metro train while chanting: 'We only help the rich to evade tax, and that's the way we like it.'

written by Swan Morrison, 24 February 2015

UK Parliament Stunned By Allegations That Daily Telegraph Failed To Publish Negative Stories About Advertisers

'We failed in every attempt to stop them exposing our dishonest expense claims,' said a parliamentary spokesman. 'All we ever needed to do was advertise with them. We're gutted at our own stupidity.'

written by Swan Morrison, 19 February 2015

Fox News Again Accused Of Wrongly Claiming That A Major City Is Predominantly Muslim

'OK, we were wrong about Birmingham, England and Paris, France - wherever they are,' said a Fox New spokesman, 'but we stand by our claim about Mecca.'

written by Swan Morrison, 21 January 2015

University Researchers Recommend Prioritising Popular Medical Students For Flu Jabs

'Vaccination rates would rise if people with large social networks influenced their peers,' said a researcher, 'although the unpopular, friendless losers among medical students would remain at risk.'

written by Swan Morrison, 18 January 2015

Sony Delighted With Success Of Advertising Campaign For "The Interview"

'Insulting Kim Jong-un has given the film worldwide exposure,' said a Sony spokesman. 'The Interview 2 is now planned in which Vladimir Putin is outed as a homosexual and Pope Francis has an affair.'

written by Swan Morrison, 26 December 2014
Showing page 3 (of 14 pages)

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