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David Cameron Accidently Follows A High-Class Escort Agency And Other 'Inappropriate' Accounts On Twitter
'There used to be automated following of every account that followed David, however unsuitable,' said Number 10. 'The escort agency is OK, but we are urgently unfollowing dozens of Tory backbenchers.'
Tabloids Admit: 'We Invented Paul Flowers: He Doesn't Really Exist'
'The story must have been made up,' said a typical reader. 'It's impossible to have religion, drugs, sex, pornography, prostitution, fraud, political corruption and all the rest in just one story!'
Police Release Figures For Their Manipulation Of Crime Figures
'Our figures show,' a police spokesman confirmed to the BBC, 'that there are no recorded instances of crime figures being manipulated by the police.'
Co-op Considers Changing Slogan Following Allegations About Former Banking Chairman, Paul Flowers
'We are considering: "Good With Drugs And Pornography; Not So Good With Financial Experience",' said a Co-op spokesperson to BBC News. 'Do you think that sounds as catchy as "Good With Food"?'
Police Hope For More Twitter Confessions As Driver Who Knocked Cyclist Off Bike, And Tweeted About It, Is Convicted
'It would be jolly helpful,' said a police spokesman, 'if more murderers tweeted something like: "It was me wot killed 'im. I'll get life if they catch me, and I'll deserve it."'
'People In Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Stones,' Says Sri Lankan President After Call For Abuses Inquiry
'This is wise advice for all glass house owners,' said a spokesman for the UK glass house builders association, 'even if it does come from someone who should be investigated for human rights abuses.'
Chancellor George Osborne Guarantees Redundant Miners Free Coal For A Year
The pledge was made during a visit to Thoresby colliery in Notts. 'We are delighted with this result,' said the colliery manager. 'We will now send the cage back down to bring Osborne to the surface.'
Education Sec Slams Simon Cowell's View: The Secret To Success Is To Be Useless At School Then 'Get Lucky'
'This sets a very poor example,' said Michael Gove. 'Everyone knows that the secret to success in Britain today is to have wealthy parents and to go to Eton, like most of my government colleagues.'
Volkswagen Recalls 2.6 Million Cars
'It was me who recalled them,' admitted the VW engineer who fought over a Golf in the controversial 2009 TV advert. 'I don't trust those bastards who buy our cars to look after them properly.'
Oldest Person In UK Dies Aged 113
'There is no evidence of foul play,' said a police spokesman. 'However, everyone who has become the oldest UK resident has died within a relatively short period. We are treating this as suspicious.'
New, Definitive Proof Will Put An End To Further Crackpot Theories About The Death of JFK, Say Researchers
'Advanced computer analysis of the original footage from Dallas shows without doubt that JFK put a gun to his own head,' the leader of the new research team told reporters. 'It was suicide!'
France Has Overtaken The US In Bid For 'Great Satan' Award, Reveals Iran's Foreign Minister, Javad Zarif
'France took the lead after blocking the nuclear deal,' said a White House spokesman. 'We have plans for more drone strikes on Islamic targets, however, which should put America back in first place.'
Iran Improves Offer On Restriction Of Its Nuclear Programme
'We only want a small atom bomb,' said Iran's chief negotiator, Mohmamad Javad Zarif, to the P5 + 1 in Geneva. 'If any problems later emerge, we will agree to send the device directly to Tel Aviv.'
Northern Line Commuters Urged To Walk By Transport For London (TfL) To Avoid Overcrowding
'Other transport operators may copy us if this is a success,' said a TfL spokesman, 'P&O may suggest swimming, and Ryanair might ask customers to jump from high buildings while flapping their arms.'
Daily Mail Raises Fears As Astronomers Estimate One In Five Suns Has Habitable Worlds
'There must be untold numbers of intelligent extra-terrestrials,' concluded the paper's editorial, today. 'Our government must ensure that none are allowed to enter the UK.'
UK Intelligence Chiefs Answer All Questions Posed By The Intelligence And Security Committee
'The fact that they did so before we asked them the questions,' admitted Committee chairman, Sir Malcolm Rifkind, 'is a further matter of concern in relation to covert surveillance.'
Cameron Denies Using Economic Blackmail To Influence Scottish Independence Vote
'It is just coincidence,' said David Cameron, 'that contracts for shipbuilding will not be agreed until after the vote, together with plans for new English whiskey distilleries and haggis factories.'
Sochi Olympic Torch Reaches International Space Station
NASA confirms that the cosmonauts' historic space walk with the torch will take place on the side of the station away from the oxygen cylinders.
Thosands Of Inmates In English Prisons Escape, Dressed As Female Relatives
'I thought old George's sister bore a remarkable family resemblance to him,' said one duped prison officer. 'She even had a beard!'
Energy Companies Heed Advice Of The Archbishop Of Canterbury To Behave Ethically In Relation To Price Increases
'We have decided to be totally honest with consumers,' said an energy industry spokesman, 'and admit that the price hikes are driven by pure greed, and that we don't give a shit about any of them.'
Relief As Missing Pensioners Found Safe And Well
'We were really worried when they wandered-off from their homes on Saturday night,' said a concerned relative. 'Fortunately the police found them safe and well, playing the main stage at Glastonbury.'
Tories Apologise To Mental Health Organisations Over Use Of Stigmatising Language
'Our activists should not be described as "mad, swivel-eyed loons",' said a spokesman, 'but rather as people with severe mental health problems who experience ocular complications.'
Retirement 'Harmful To Health' Says The Institute For Economic Affairs (IEA)
'Also, poverty is healthy, but voting UKIP causes fatal illnesses,' said Mark Littlewood, IEA Director. 'The IEA is independent,' he added, 'we never manipulate public opinion to government agendas.'
David Cameron Defects To The Liberal Democrats
'I am sick of dogmatic, inflexible, self-serving, right wing views in the Conservative party that are out of touch with the electorate and reality,' he told reporters. 'I agree with Nick.'
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