Showing snippets written by Swan Morrison.

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Showing page 3 (of 10 pages)

New, Definitive Proof Will Put An End To Further Crackpot Theories About The Death of JFK, Say Researchers

'Advanced computer analysis of the original footage from Dallas shows without doubt that JFK put a gun to his own head,' the leader of the new research team told reporters. 'It was suicide!'

written by Swan Morrison, 12 November 2013

France Has Overtaken The US In Bid For 'Great Satan' Award, Reveals Iran's Foreign Minister, Javad Zarif

'France took the lead after blocking the nuclear deal,' said a White House spokesman. 'We have plans for more drone strikes on Islamic targets, however, which should put America back in first place.'

written by Swan Morrison, 11 November 2013

Iran Improves Offer On Restriction Of Its Nuclear Programme

'We only want a small atom bomb,' said Iran's chief negotiator, Mohmamad Javad Zarif, to the P5 + 1 in Geneva. 'If any problems later emerge, we will agree to send the device directly to Tel Aviv.'

written by Swan Morrison, 10 November 2013

Northern Line Commuters Urged To Walk By Transport For London (TfL) To Avoid Overcrowding

'Other transport operators may copy us if this is a success,' said a TfL spokesman, 'P&O may suggest swimming, and Ryanair might ask customers to jump from high buildings while flapping their arms.'

written by Swan Morrison, 10 November 2013

Daily Mail Raises Fears As Astronomers Estimate One In Five Suns Has Habitable Worlds

'There must be untold numbers of intelligent extra-terrestrials,' concluded the paper's editorial, today. 'Our government must ensure that none are allowed to enter the UK.'

written by Swan Morrison, 08 November 2013

UK Intelligence Chiefs Answer All Questions Posed By The Intelligence And Security Committee

'The fact that they did so before we asked them the questions,' admitted Committee chairman, Sir Malcolm Rifkind, 'is a further matter of concern in relation to covert surveillance.'

written by Swan Morrison, 07 November 2013

Cameron Denies Using Economic Blackmail To Influence Scottish Independence Vote

'It is just coincidence,' said David Cameron, 'that contracts for shipbuilding will not be agreed until after the vote, together with plans for new English whiskey distilleries and haggis factories.'

written by Swan Morrison, 07 November 2013

Sochi Olympic Torch Reaches International Space Station

NASA confirms that the cosmonauts' historic space walk with the torch will take place on the side of the station away from the oxygen cylinders.

written by Swan Morrison, 07 November 2013

Thosands Of Inmates In English Prisons Escape, Dressed As Female Relatives

'I thought old George's sister bore a remarkable family resemblance to him,' said one duped prison officer. 'She even had a beard!'

written by Swan Morrison, 06 November 2013

Energy Companies Heed Advice Of The Archbishop Of Canterbury To Behave Ethically In Relation To Price Increases

'We have decided to be totally honest with consumers,' said an energy industry spokesman, 'and admit that the price hikes are driven by pure greed, and that we don't give a shit about any of them.'

written by Swan Morrison, 24 October 2013

Relief As Missing Pensioners Found Safe And Well

'We were really worried when they wandered-off from their homes on Saturday night,' said a concerned relative. 'Fortunately the police found them safe and well, playing the main stage at Glastonbury.'

written by Swan Morrison, 29 June 2013

Tories Apologise To Mental Health Organisations Over Use Of Stigmatising Language

'Our activists should not be described as "mad, swivel-eyed loons",' said a spokesman, 'but rather as people with severe mental health problems who experience ocular complications.'

written by Swan Morrison, 19 May 2013

Retirement 'Harmful To Health' Says The Institute For Economic Affairs (IEA)

'Also, poverty is healthy, but voting UKIP causes fatal illnesses,' said Mark Littlewood, IEA Director. 'The IEA is independent,' he added, 'we never manipulate public opinion to government agendas.'

written by Swan Morrison, 16 May 2013

David Cameron Defects To The Liberal Democrats

'I am sick of dogmatic, inflexible, self-serving, right wing views in the Conservative party that are out of touch with the electorate and reality,' he told reporters. 'I agree with Nick.'

written by Swan Morrison, 14 May 2013

Prince Charles Visits Amsterdam for Abdication Of Queen Beatrix And Enthronement Of Her Son

'I'm looking upon it as a fact-finding tour,' said the Prince of Wales. 'I want to find out how Willem-Alexander persuaded her to go. It could be a good model for some other monarchies.'

written by Swan Morrison, 30 April 2013

Theresa May To Suspend UK Murder Law For Thirty Seconds

'This will allow me time to shoot Abu Qatada,' the Home Secretary told Parliament. 'The exact time of suspension will be kept secret to prevent others from treating an inconvenient law with contempt.'

written by Swan Morrison, 25 April 2013

Big Ben To Be Silent For Baroness Thatcher's Funeral

'The chimes of Big Ben will be silenced for the duration of Baroness Thatcher's funeral,' said a government spokesman, 'although before and after it will be going "Ding Dong".'

written by Swan Morrison, 15 April 2013

Mother Of Kim Jong Un Expresses Her View On The Supreme Leader Of North Korea

'He's not the Messiah,' she shouted from a first floor window to a crowd of chanting, adoring followers in the street below, 'he's a very naughty boy!'

written by Swan Morrison, 11 April 2013

Mystery Meat In Takeaway Could Be Dog, Fear Experts

'The species in meat products is irrelevant. It's traceability and quality that's important,' said the restaurant owner. 'That curry included Fido from next door. He was healthy and fit to consume.'

written by Swan Morrison, 30 March 2013

Judge Justifies Leniency Of Jail Sentences For Chris Huhne And Vicky Pryce

'A term of eight months may seem lenient,' said the judge. 'However, I have ordered that they share a cell. That will make it feel to them like eight years and provide entertainment for prison staff.'

written by Swan Morrison, 12 March 2013

'EU Politics Undermining Satire', Complain Humourists

'Events in Greece, Italy and other European countries are more bizarre than anything we can invent,' said a spokesman for the Society of Satirists. 'Each insane idea we have gets topped by real life.'

written by Swan Morrison, 07 March 2013

MP Resigns Over Breathing Incident

'When accused of breathing, he instinctively denied it and arranged an illegal cover-up,' said a party spokesman. 'Breathing, of course, is OK. As usual, the unnecessary lies led to the resignation.'

written by Swan Morrison, 07 March 2013

Massive Oversupply Of Horsemeat Jokes Causes Storage Problem For EU

'Hugely more horsemeat jokes have now been produced than can currently be used,' said an EU spokesman. 'New output will be stored in the EU Horsemeat-joke Mountain for use in future equine crises.'

written by Swan Morrison, 15 February 2013

Richard Dawkins Surprised At Resignations Of Church Leaders

'First it was the Archbishop of Canterbury, now it's the Pope,' said Professor Dawkins. 'I never expected my books to convince such senior Christians that there is no God.'

written by Swan Morrison, 12 February 2013
Showing page 3 (of 10 pages)

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