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Education Sec Slams Simon Cowell's View: The Secret To Success Is To Be Useless At School Then 'Get Lucky'
'This sets a very poor example,' said Michael Gove. 'Everyone knows that the secret to success in Britain today is to have wealthy parents and to go to Eton, like most of my government colleagues.'
Volkswagen Recalls 2.6 Million Cars
'It was me who recalled them,' admitted the VW engineer who fought over a Golf in the controversial 2009 TV advert. 'I don't trust those bastards who buy our cars to look after them properly.'
Oldest Person In UK Dies Aged 113
'There is no evidence of foul play,' said a police spokesman. 'However, everyone who has become the oldest UK resident has died within a relatively short period. We are treating this as suspicious.'
New, Definitive Proof Will Put An End To Further Crackpot Theories About The Death of JFK, Say Researchers
'Advanced computer analysis of the original footage from Dallas shows without doubt that JFK put a gun to his own head,' the leader of the new research team told reporters. 'It was suicide!'
France Has Overtaken The US In Bid For 'Great Satan' Award, Reveals Iran's Foreign Minister, Javad Zarif
'France took the lead after blocking the nuclear deal,' said a White House spokesman. 'We have plans for more drone strikes on Islamic targets, however, which should put America back in first place.'
Iran Improves Offer On Restriction Of Its Nuclear Programme
'We only want a small atom bomb,' said Iran's chief negotiator, Mohmamad Javad Zarif, to the P5 + 1 in Geneva. 'If any problems later emerge, we will agree to send the device directly to Tel Aviv.'
Northern Line Commuters Urged To Walk By Transport For London (TfL) To Avoid Overcrowding
'Other transport operators may copy us if this is a success,' said a TfL spokesman, 'P&O may suggest swimming, and Ryanair might ask customers to jump from high buildings while flapping their arms.'
Daily Mail Raises Fears As Astronomers Estimate One In Five Suns Has Habitable Worlds
'There must be untold numbers of intelligent extra-terrestrials,' concluded the paper's editorial, today. 'Our government must ensure that none are allowed to enter the UK.'
UK Intelligence Chiefs Answer All Questions Posed By The Intelligence And Security Committee
'The fact that they did so before we asked them the questions,' admitted Committee chairman, Sir Malcolm Rifkind, 'is a further matter of concern in relation to covert surveillance.'
Cameron Denies Using Economic Blackmail To Influence Scottish Independence Vote
'It is just coincidence,' said David Cameron, 'that contracts for shipbuilding will not be agreed until after the vote, together with plans for new English whiskey distilleries and haggis factories.'
Sochi Olympic Torch Reaches International Space Station
NASA confirms that the cosmonauts' historic space walk with the torch will take place on the side of the station away from the oxygen cylinders.
Thosands Of Inmates In English Prisons Escape, Dressed As Female Relatives
'I thought old George's sister bore a remarkable family resemblance to him,' said one duped prison officer. 'She even had a beard!'
Energy Companies Heed Advice Of The Archbishop Of Canterbury To Behave Ethically In Relation To Price Increases
'We have decided to be totally honest with consumers,' said an energy industry spokesman, 'and admit that the price hikes are driven by pure greed, and that we don't give a shit about any of them.'
Relief As Missing Pensioners Found Safe And Well
'We were really worried when they wandered-off from their homes on Saturday night,' said a concerned relative. 'Fortunately the police found them safe and well, playing the main stage at Glastonbury.'
Tories Apologise To Mental Health Organisations Over Use Of Stigmatising Language
'Our activists should not be described as "mad, swivel-eyed loons",' said a spokesman, 'but rather as people with severe mental health problems who experience ocular complications.'
Retirement 'Harmful To Health' Says The Institute For Economic Affairs (IEA)
'Also, poverty is healthy, but voting UKIP causes fatal illnesses,' said Mark Littlewood, IEA Director. 'The IEA is independent,' he added, 'we never manipulate public opinion to government agendas.'
David Cameron Defects To The Liberal Democrats
'I am sick of dogmatic, inflexible, self-serving, right wing views in the Conservative party that are out of touch with the electorate and reality,' he told reporters. 'I agree with Nick.'
Prince Charles Visits Amsterdam for Abdication Of Queen Beatrix And Enthronement Of Her Son
'I'm looking upon it as a fact-finding tour,' said the Prince of Wales. 'I want to find out how Willem-Alexander persuaded her to go. It could be a good model for some other monarchies.'
Theresa May To Suspend UK Murder Law For Thirty Seconds
'This will allow me time to shoot Abu Qatada,' the Home Secretary told Parliament. 'The exact time of suspension will be kept secret to prevent others from treating an inconvenient law with contempt.'
Big Ben To Be Silent For Baroness Thatcher's Funeral
'The chimes of Big Ben will be silenced for the duration of Baroness Thatcher's funeral,' said a government spokesman, 'although before and after it will be going "Ding Dong".'
Mother Of Kim Jong Un Expresses Her View On The Supreme Leader Of North Korea
'He's not the Messiah,' she shouted from a first floor window to a crowd of chanting, adoring followers in the street below, 'he's a very naughty boy!'
Mystery Meat In Takeaway Could Be Dog, Fear Experts
'The species in meat products is irrelevant. It's traceability and quality that's important,' said the restaurant owner. 'That curry included Fido from next door. He was healthy and fit to consume.'
Judge Justifies Leniency Of Jail Sentences For Chris Huhne And Vicky Pryce
'A term of eight months may seem lenient,' said the judge. 'However, I have ordered that they share a cell. That will make it feel to them like eight years and provide entertainment for prison staff.'
'EU Politics Undermining Satire', Complain Humourists
'Events in Greece, Italy and other European countries are more bizarre than anything we can invent,' said a spokesman for the Society of Satirists. 'Each insane idea we have gets topped by real life.'
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