Showing breaking news satire snippets written by Matt Birkenhauer.

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God's Tweet

#TheBigGuy (God's tweet after the deluge of prayers He received this week):

Look, you dumb fucks, you have free will. Use the reason I endowed you with. Pass some common sense gun control laws.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 04 December 2015

American Political Dictionary

Cuntrition: The state of a politician who has been caught cheating on his wife and appears before a press conference with his wife and family. Not to be confused with contrition.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 03 December 2015

American Political Dictionary

Active Shooter: a white wingnut and/or terrorist with an assault weapon exercising his Second Amendment rights.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 03 December 2015

Ben Carson's Syllogism

All politicians exist.
I am not a politician.
Therefore, I do not exist.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 08 November 2015

Ayn Rand's Golden Rule

Love thyself above all else.
They neighbor? He can go to hell.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 11 October 2015

American Political Dictionary

The American People Think/Believe/Want: A phrase a politician employs when he or she is delusional enough to think that he or she speaks for 318 million people.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 11 October 2015

John Boehner's Confession to Pope Francis

Pope Francis Hears John Boehner's Confession

Assigns Him and the Republican Party 400,000 Hail Marys and 83, 000 Our Fathers as Penance for Pissing on the Poor

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 10 September 2015

Grumpy Trumpy

Grumpy Trumpy made quite a squall,
Grumpy Trumpy had a great fall.
All of Ailes' minions and all of Ailes' pundits
Couldn't put his Party together again.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 31 July 2015

The Pharisee

"Hate the sin, not the sinner," he says exculpatorily, as he hungrily bites into his bacon and tomato sandwich that his second wife just prepared for him.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 10 May 2015

This Insult Won't Work

Given the genius and utility of the reproductive system of a flower, is there any point in telling a flower to go fuck itself?

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 07 May 2015

Scandal in Washington!

John Boner, Mitch McCocklin, and Benjamin the Yahoo Caught In Sexual Congress

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 06 March 2015

Action Steps

Steps Taking Action Steps to Implement Pre-plan Thwarted by Action Plan

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 11 December 2014

Waterboarding Works!

CIA Director John Brennan, Under Waterboarding Administered by the Senate, Admits That Torture Is a Bad Idea

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 11 December 2014

Another One Caught on Tape

Pro Running Back Joe Brawn Caught Stuffing His Wife's Body in His Freezer; NFL League Officials Suspicious

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 10 September 2014

Howard Baker Dead at 88

Former Senator Howard Baker, the one-time Senate Majority leader known for his ability to reach across the aisle, dies, setting off an acrimonious debate in Congress over how non-partisan he was.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 26 June 2014

A Benghazi Minute

I sat down (Benghazi) to watch (Benghazi) FOX (Benghazi) News and was sitting (Benghazi) for about two (Benghazi) minutes before I saw still another (Benghazi) story about--you guessed it--Benghazi.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 08 May 2014

Rush Limbaugh's Ratings Drop

According to Arbitron, the bloviating conservative talk show host is now neck to neck with his ass. Rush's ass comes in a close second at 13 million viewers, just above Sean Hannity.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 24 April 2014

Speaker of the House Boehner Suffers a Stroke?

Paramedics were called into the capitol last night to treat Speaker of the House John Boehner for a suspected stroke. It turns out the Speaker was diagnosed instead with DFS (Dour Face Syndrome).

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 29 January 2014

Texas Needs Dead Incubators

Texas to Harvest Brain-dead Women as Incubators. Says Gov. Rick Perry, "It's a way for the family of the deceased to help new life grow from a persistent vegetative state. It's win-win!"

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 25 January 2014

Second Amendment Rewrite

A heavily armed Citizenry, being useful to the paranoia of the Fringe Right, the right of children to keep and bear arms, for the purpose of shooting other children, shall be Sacrosanct.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 19 January 2014

Senator Ted Cruz to Release Birth Certificate

Ted Cruz, potential POTUS candidate in 2016, is set to release his birth certificate today, to prove that he was not born in Prick-istan, as is commonly believed, even by many in his own Party.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 19 August 2013

Juror B-37 Goes Commercial

A Lifetime Movie Special: The Saga of Juror B-37: We Deliberated, We Anguished, We Cried Before Deciding That Poor Little Black Boy Got Exactly What He Deserved.

With Ann Coulter as Juror B-37

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 21 July 2013

Jesus, on the Contemporary GOP (KJV, revised)

And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a modern-day Republican to enter into the kingdom of God.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 04 July 2013

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