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Military Begins Olympic Exercise
According to an insider, the exercise will include; Squat thrusts, an egg and spoon race, star jumps and a sack race.
That should prepare them for any potential terrorist attack.
Trinity Mirror Newpaper Group Loses Chief Executive
After a drop of 90% in the groups share price since taking over in 2003, Sly Bailey has announced that she'll quit at the end of the year.
With a name like Sly, maybe she'll get a job at News Corp.
Glasgow Rangers Takeover Plans Described As "Backdoor Liquidation"
I was involved in a "backdoor liquidation" once.
It was after a particularly vicious curry.
Badminton Horse Trials Cancelled
The RSPCA have finally got their wish.
They have claimed for many years that making horses play badminton was cruel.
Labour Demand David Cameron Makes Hunt Statement
A Labour insider claims the PM is "ducking his responsibilities". Never!
News Corp PR guru's are currently working on a statement for Cameron to deliver in Parliament.
Roy Hodgson Set To Be Offered England Job, Redknapp's Dog Fears For It's Life
Harry Redknapp is said to be very upset. His dog, Rosie, is likely to bore the brunt of his anger with a good kicking.
As if the poor thing hasn't had a bad enough year already (The dog, not 'Arry.)
Former London Philharmonic Orchestra Conductor Falls Off Stage
German born Kurt Masur, 84, was conducting the National Orchestra of France when he toppled off the stage.
He suffered only minor injuries. When asked how he was he said, "I feel as fit as a fiddle."
Lebanon Holds 'Syria Arms Ship'
A consignment of arms and ammo has been confiscated by the Lebanese navy. It's a little know fact that most Syrians have no arms. So they need these arms as they've no other way of holding their guns.
More Embarrassment For Home Secretary
According to a leaked Home Office memo, Teresa May.
I really wish she wouldn't.
Betfred declare title race over and payout to Manchester United backers.
Betfreds co-founder thought the race was over with 7 games left. He memorably paid out early in 1998 to United backers only for Arsenal to win the league.
His name, Fred Done. Looks like he has been.
Labour Claim Culture Secretary Should Quit
Jeremy Hunt's career looks like it may be finished after dodgy details emerged regarding his offices relationship with News Corp.
He's starting to look like a right cun...erm, sorry, I mean Hunt.
Rupert Murdoch Is A Top Bloke
According to 'The Times' newspaper, Murdoch emerged from the Leveson inquiry as someone with "broad experience, a ready wit and a becoming humility."
Who owns 'The Times'? A certain Mr. R.Murdoch.
Chelsea to face Bayern Munich in Champions League Final
This is the final our wonderful tabloid papers were hoping for. Now they can wheel out a load of tired old England/Germany war cliches.
The Battle of Bavaria.
They can have that one for free.
Fourth case of "Mad Cow" disease discovered in California
The US Department of Agriculture has confirmed the diagnosis but has strenuously denied rumours that Californian Representative Nancy Pelosi is infected with the disease.
Poor old Nancy.
Chinese Man Fails In World Record Attempt
She Ping, a 32 year old beekeeper, attempted to beat the world record for covering his body in bees but has failed.
Perhaps, given his name, he'd be better off trying his hand as a shepherd.
Street Theft Increases By 10%
You'd have to be a good thief to go unnoticed while nicking a whole street.
The government have advised people to mark their streets with indelible ink to make them easily indentifiable if stolen.
Neil Lennon reveals favourite movie quote
The carrot-topped, whinging Celtic manager, yesterday announced his favourite movie quote comes from 'Carry on Cleo'.
"Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it in for me!"
Liverpool don't sack Dalglish
Despite taking full responsibility for the players he's signed, Kenny Dalglish has not been sacked. Instead, Damien Comolli, who negotiated the deals for Dalglish, has been fired.
George W. Bush receives new brain
The op took place yesterday with Bush receiving a chimps brain. His neurosurgeon, Dr Graham Matter, was asked if there would be any noticeable change in his behaviour. "I doubt it." Replied Dr Matter.
Dalglish wants referees to say sorry
Liverpool boss Kenny Dalglish reckons refs should explain controversial decisions and apologise when they get things wrong.
I wonder if he'll apologise to Liverpool fans for his awful signings.
Chancellor Shocked By The Rich
George Osbourne claims to be shocked that some of the super rich pay as little as 10% tax on their earnings.
You'd of thought one of his super rich friends would've told him about it.
Top Gynaecologist Switches To Proctology
Harley Street's top gynaecologist, Dr A.Nuss, is to retrain as a proctologist. He claims he is sick of fannying around and would rather spend his time arsing about.
Dick Cheney Has Heart Transplant
The former VP has finally got a new heart made from cheese. Many believe that a heart made from cheese will be virtually useless. Cheney's doctors claim it can't be any worse than his old one.
Queen Set To Manage Chelsea
The Queen wants the Chelsea job. The current manager of the Royal family feels she's taken them as far as she can and it's time for a new challenge.
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