Spoof Snippets
Showing snippets written by Lyndon.
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Brad Pitt takes year to fashion ring for Jolie's "man hands"
It wasn't the size of the rock, but instead the circumference of the actual ring itself. Fiancé Brad Pitt intimated that his goal was to design a ring that would make her fingers look feminine.
Gingrich concedes Romney win, will plod ahead anyway to burn even more money
Newt Gingrich admits that Mitt Romney is the likely Republican nominee. However, like a good Republican, Newt will drive his finances deeper into the red. "We're only $4.5 million in the hole, right?"
Campaign declared over: Kiss Frontman Gene Simmons endorses Romney
The Obama camp is quaking in its boots since Kiss frontman Gene Simmons stated publicly his regret for voting for Obama. When Simmons endorsed Republican Mitt Romney, Democrats gasped in despair.
Arsonists did dirty work 1 million years ago: scientists
Scientists in South Africa determined that Homo erectus was a mad arsonist, 300,000 years before previous estimates. They used fire for cooking and heat, too, but they also enjoyed burning shit up.
If companies are barred from demanding Facebook passwords, they'll ask to look down shirts
After Facebook announced that it'll seek legal action against companies who demand a candidate's' password during interviews, some CEOs intimated that they'd go back to sexually assaulting candidates.
Public schools concerned that they may no longer serve "pink slime" beef for lunch
Public school cafeterias, long known for serving various shades of slop, are worried that the recent bad press given to beef with pink slime will reduce their menu offerings by 89%.
Etch a Sketch hopes for more gaffes
Etch a Sketch welcomes more gaffes by politicians. Sales have spiked as they did when Rollo in the move Juno said, "That ain't no Etch-a-Sketch, this is one doodle that can't be undid, Homeskillet."
Tebow to join Colts, to go at least 3-13
Tim Tebow-Time Tebow has accepted a trade to the Indianappolis Colts, a team that could've barely beaten a high school squad. Brady Quinn will back him up while doubling as a commentator for ND games.
Romney wins Puerto Rico, thereby perpetuating the idea that P.R. is a state
Mitt Romney played a part in making those Americans who believe there are 51 states look silly. And with a minimum wage of $4.10 per hour, Romney is hoping America welcomes Puerto Rico into the fold.
Superstud Jocko Besne dies leaving as many as 400,000 mouths to feed
The 3rd most potent bull in history, Jocko Besne, has died leaving the social services of countries all over the world to support the some 400,000 children Besne had fathered since 1994. Typical male.
Joe the Plumber's full septic tank explodes
Samuel Wurzelbacher, known as Joe the Plumber, felt backed into a corner when a CNN reporter posed questions about his comments regarding homosexuals. His septic tank full, it exploded all over him.
Nobody knows the difference between Sound Editing and Sound Mixing, study
Mad talk is taking place after this year's Oscars as to whether the Oscars for sound mixing and editing should be combined or even cut out altogether. A recent study shows that everyone's clueless.
If no GOP candidate acquires enough delegate votes by Convention, 100% of Republicans will be pissed off: study
In a study released by Harfold State College, 100% of Republicans across the country would be fucking rip-shit if no GOP candidate acquires the 1,144 delegate votes necessary to lead the party.
Mexican prison riot deaths nowhere near Honduran prison fire victims
A Mexican prison came up way short this week when only 44 people died during a riot in the overpopulated Apodeca Prison. The overcrowded Comayagua Prison kicked ass when 359 died in a horrific blaze.
Ron Paul wins Maine although he'd never visit
Ron Paul gained 83 votes on Mitt Romney from Maine even though he's never been to or would ever visit Maine. George I and George II have a summer place there, but there aren't, like, any hotels there.
Santorum accused of trying to out-shout Occupy Protesters
In Washington state earlier this week, Rick Santorum unsuccessfully tried to shout over the cries of Occupy protesters. Said one protester, "Remind me why he thinks we give a shit about his campaign."
Minaj tries to tick off more Catholics than Madonna
Nicki Minaj tried to anger more Catholics than Madonna by performing "Roman Holiday" at the Grammys. She was sad to learn that she has 31 more years of performing to catch up to the Material Girl.
Beauty and the beast: Naomi Watts to play Princess Di
Naomi Watts has been cast to play Princess Di in the film Caught in Flight. The search is now on for an actor to play Prince Charles. Singers Lyle Lovett and Marilyn Manson appear to be front runners.
Superbowl XLVI reminds folks that no one can read Roman numerals any more
In a country where XL can only be found on the tag of someone's shirt, another Superbowl came and went with fans everywhere wondering what the hell all those letters after "Superbowl" meant.
Belgium so cold Manneken-Pis pisses ice cubes
Temps in Brussels got so low that that little guy who pisses back behind Grand Place started pissing ice cubes. No more beer for him until it warms up.
Punxsutawney Phil sees own shadow, is scared of it
Punxsutawney Phil emerged today from his hole, saw his own shadow, and raced away in great distress. At age 120, it is feared that the groundhog has reached either stage six or seven of Alzheimer's.
Sharapova-Azarenka match has more grunting than the average porno
Any blind person within earshot of the Australian Open may have wondered what Sharapova and Azarenka were doing during their match. Both ladies grunted at each other for an hour and 22 minutes.
Gingrich convinced he's running against the media
Newt Gingrich has spent so much time and energy declaring war on the media, he seems to have lost focus of the real issue: getting enough sleep so that he can actually compete in another debate.
Gingrich angry at media for allowing ex-wife freedom of speech
Newt Gingrich named freedom of speech one thing that is awfully wrong in the U.S. after learning that ABC had interviewed ex-wife Marianne. Ms. Gingrich revealed that Newt had sought an open marriage.
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