Showing breaking news satire snippets written by Lyndon.

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"Belieber" released by Bieber

Justin Bieber has released his new album Belieber to much fanfare. Tracks include "I can't beliebe I'm a dad," "If you don't belieb, who cares?" and "Bieber means beaver in German, baby."

written by Lyndon, 19 June 2012

Google so desperate for Doodle, they celebrate 79th birthday of Drive-in

Google Doodle couldn't find any important person who was born on this date, so they chose the 79th birthday of the drive-in. Another Doodle to come: the 17th b-day of the soybean oil breast implant.

written by Lyndon, 06 June 2012

China play joke on blind activist, has never really left China

Chinese activist Chen Guangcheng realized to the delight of his adviseries that he had, in fact, not been sent to the US, but instead had been flown around in circles and set down in China.

written by Lyndon, 20 May 2012

"Good" cholesterol turns out to be bullshit

Gone could be the days when your doctor tells you both your good and bad cholesterol levels. "Lay off the eggs," says Dr. Holly Siergard. "Get off the couch and play some Wii--you should be fine."

written by Lyndon, 20 May 2012

Prehistoric tortoise as big as small car but slow as a turtle

Harfold State College has discovered the fossilized remains of a tortoise about the same size as a Honda Fit. The trouble was that it was too slow to get out of the way of dinosaur farts so it died.

written by Lyndon, 19 May 2012

Romney and Santorum don't even agree to disagree

A private meeting between nominee-in-waiting Mitt Romney and drop-out Rick Santorum yielded nothing new. They continue to hate each other and agree that they'd rather vote for Obama than get along.

written by Lyndon, 06 May 2012

Republicans find new way to blow money--running for president as Libertarian

Only days after Newt Gingrich finally pulled the plug on his long-suffering campaign, Libertarian presidential nominee Gary Johnson took over the important role of burning cash for no good reason.

written by Lyndon, 06 May 2012

Spirits high in Connecticut as state legalizes medical marijuana

That's not smog we'll see as we drive through Hartford, but instead the smoke of patients toking it up. There's talk that the marijuana leaf may replace the mountain laurel as the state flower.

written by Lyndon, 06 May 2012

Secret Service tightens up rules: no more skanky whores

Being in the U.S. Secret Service has just become less fun: agents are to no longer drink excessively and, if they do, they best not be consorting with skanky whores. And if they do, they're to pay up.

written by Lyndon, 28 April 2012

Columbian hose order mistaken for attempt to buy whores

A simple order for garden hose has led to the suspension and/or firing of 11 Secret Service agents. Due to lack of rain, agents wanted to hose down a backdrop where Mr. Obama was to speak.

written by Lyndon, 20 April 2012

Brad Pitt takes year to fashion ring for Jolie's "man hands"

It wasn't the size of the rock, but instead the circumference of the actual ring itself. Fiancé Brad Pitt intimated that his goal was to design a ring that would make her fingers look feminine.

written by Lyndon, 16 April 2012

Gingrich concedes Romney win, will plod ahead anyway to burn even more money

Newt Gingrich admits that Mitt Romney is the likely Republican nominee. However, like a good Republican, Newt will drive his finances deeper into the red. "We're only $4.5 million in the hole, right?"

written by Lyndon, 08 April 2012

Campaign declared over: Kiss Frontman Gene Simmons endorses Romney

The Obama camp is quaking in its boots since Kiss frontman Gene Simmons stated publicly his regret for voting for Obama. When Simmons endorsed Republican Mitt Romney, Democrats gasped in despair.

written by Lyndon, 04 April 2012

Arsonists did dirty work 1 million years ago: scientists

Scientists in South Africa determined that Homo erectus was a mad arsonist, 300,000 years before previous estimates. They used fire for cooking and heat, too, but they also enjoyed burning shit up.

written by Lyndon, 03 April 2012

If companies are barred from demanding Facebook passwords, they'll ask to look down shirts

After Facebook announced that it'll seek legal action against companies who demand a candidate's' password during interviews, some CEOs intimated that they'd go back to sexually assaulting candidates.

written by Lyndon, 25 March 2012

Public schools concerned that they may no longer serve "pink slime" beef for lunch

Public school cafeterias, long known for serving various shades of slop, are worried that the recent bad press given to beef with pink slime will reduce their menu offerings by 89%.

written by Lyndon, 23 March 2012

Etch a Sketch hopes for more gaffes

Etch a Sketch welcomes more gaffes by politicians. Sales have spiked as they did when Rollo in the move Juno said, "That ain't no Etch-a-Sketch, this is one doodle that can't be undid, Homeskillet."

written by Lyndon, 22 March 2012

Tebow to join Colts, to go at least 3-13

Tim Tebow-Time Tebow has accepted a trade to the Indianappolis Colts, a team that could've barely beaten a high school squad. Brady Quinn will back him up while doubling as a commentator for ND games.

written by Lyndon, 19 March 2012

Romney wins Puerto Rico, thereby perpetuating the idea that P.R. is a state

Mitt Romney played a part in making those Americans who believe there are 51 states look silly. And with a minimum wage of $4.10 per hour, Romney is hoping America welcomes Puerto Rico into the fold.

written by Lyndon, 19 March 2012

Superstud Jocko Besne dies leaving as many as 400,000 mouths to feed

The 3rd most potent bull in history, Jocko Besne, has died leaving the social services of countries all over the world to support the some 400,000 children Besne had fathered since 1994. Typical male.

written by Lyndon, 18 March 2012

Joe the Plumber's full septic tank explodes

Samuel Wurzelbacher, known as Joe the Plumber, felt backed into a corner when a CNN reporter posed questions about his comments regarding homosexuals. His septic tank full, it exploded all over him.

written by Lyndon, 09 March 2012

Nobody knows the difference between Sound Editing and Sound Mixing, study

Mad talk is taking place after this year's Oscars as to whether the Oscars for sound mixing and editing should be combined or even cut out altogether. A recent study shows that everyone's clueless.

written by Lyndon, 01 March 2012

If no GOP candidate acquires enough delegate votes by Convention, 100% of Republicans will be pissed off: study

In a study released by Harfold State College, 100% of Republicans across the country would be fucking rip-shit if no GOP candidate acquires the 1,144 delegate votes necessary to lead the party.

written by Lyndon, 26 February 2012

Mexican prison riot deaths nowhere near Honduran prison fire victims

A Mexican prison came up way short this week when only 44 people died during a riot in the overpopulated Apodeca Prison. The overcrowded Comayagua Prison kicked ass when 359 died in a horrific blaze.

written by Lyndon, 20 February 2012

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