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China play joke on blind activist, has never really left China
Chinese activist Chen Guangcheng realized to the delight of his adviseries that he had, in fact, not been sent to the US, but instead had been flown around in circles and set down in China.
"Good" cholesterol turns out to be bullshit
Gone could be the days when your doctor tells you both your good and bad cholesterol levels. "Lay off the eggs," says Dr. Holly Siergard. "Get off the couch and play some Wii--you should be fine."
Prehistoric tortoise as big as small car but slow as a turtle
Harfold State College has discovered the fossilized remains of a tortoise about the same size as a Honda Fit. The trouble was that it was too slow to get out of the way of dinosaur farts so it died.
Romney and Santorum don't even agree to disagree
A private meeting between nominee-in-waiting Mitt Romney and drop-out Rick Santorum yielded nothing new. They continue to hate each other and agree that they'd rather vote for Obama than get along.
Republicans find new way to blow money--running for president as Libertarian
Only days after Newt Gingrich finally pulled the plug on his long-suffering campaign, Libertarian presidential nominee Gary Johnson took over the important role of burning cash for no good reason.
Spirits high in Connecticut as state legalizes medical marijuana
That's not smog we'll see as we drive through Hartford, but instead the smoke of patients toking it up. There's talk that the marijuana leaf may replace the mountain laurel as the state flower.
Secret Service tightens up rules: no more skanky whores
Being in the U.S. Secret Service has just become less fun: agents are to no longer drink excessively and, if they do, they best not be consorting with skanky whores. And if they do, they're to pay up.
Columbian hose order mistaken for attempt to buy whores
A simple order for garden hose has led to the suspension and/or firing of 11 Secret Service agents. Due to lack of rain, agents wanted to hose down a backdrop where Mr. Obama was to speak.
Brad Pitt takes year to fashion ring for Jolie's "man hands"
It wasn't the size of the rock, but instead the circumference of the actual ring itself. Fiancé Brad Pitt intimated that his goal was to design a ring that would make her fingers look feminine.
Gingrich concedes Romney win, will plod ahead anyway to burn even more money
Newt Gingrich admits that Mitt Romney is the likely Republican nominee. However, like a good Republican, Newt will drive his finances deeper into the red. "We're only $4.5 million in the hole, right?"
Campaign declared over: Kiss Frontman Gene Simmons endorses Romney
The Obama camp is quaking in its boots since Kiss frontman Gene Simmons stated publicly his regret for voting for Obama. When Simmons endorsed Republican Mitt Romney, Democrats gasped in despair.
Arsonists did dirty work 1 million years ago: scientists
Scientists in South Africa determined that Homo erectus was a mad arsonist, 300,000 years before previous estimates. They used fire for cooking and heat, too, but they also enjoyed burning shit up.
If companies are barred from demanding Facebook passwords, they'll ask to look down shirts
After Facebook announced that it'll seek legal action against companies who demand a candidate's' password during interviews, some CEOs intimated that they'd go back to sexually assaulting candidates.
Public schools concerned that they may no longer serve "pink slime" beef for lunch
Public school cafeterias, long known for serving various shades of slop, are worried that the recent bad press given to beef with pink slime will reduce their menu offerings by 89%.
Etch a Sketch hopes for more gaffes
Etch a Sketch welcomes more gaffes by politicians. Sales have spiked as they did when Rollo in the move Juno said, "That ain't no Etch-a-Sketch, this is one doodle that can't be undid, Homeskillet."
Tebow to join Colts, to go at least 3-13
Tim Tebow-Time Tebow has accepted a trade to the Indianappolis Colts, a team that could've barely beaten a high school squad. Brady Quinn will back him up while doubling as a commentator for ND games.
Romney wins Puerto Rico, thereby perpetuating the idea that P.R. is a state
Mitt Romney played a part in making those Americans who believe there are 51 states look silly. And with a minimum wage of $4.10 per hour, Romney is hoping America welcomes Puerto Rico into the fold.
Superstud Jocko Besne dies leaving as many as 400,000 mouths to feed
The 3rd most potent bull in history, Jocko Besne, has died leaving the social services of countries all over the world to support the some 400,000 children Besne had fathered since 1994. Typical male.
Joe the Plumber's full septic tank explodes
Samuel Wurzelbacher, known as Joe the Plumber, felt backed into a corner when a CNN reporter posed questions about his comments regarding homosexuals. His septic tank full, it exploded all over him.
Nobody knows the difference between Sound Editing and Sound Mixing, study
Mad talk is taking place after this year's Oscars as to whether the Oscars for sound mixing and editing should be combined or even cut out altogether. A recent study shows that everyone's clueless.
If no GOP candidate acquires enough delegate votes by Convention, 100% of Republicans will be pissed off: study
In a study released by Harfold State College, 100% of Republicans across the country would be fucking rip-shit if no GOP candidate acquires the 1,144 delegate votes necessary to lead the party.
Mexican prison riot deaths nowhere near Honduran prison fire victims
A Mexican prison came up way short this week when only 44 people died during a riot in the overpopulated Apodeca Prison. The overcrowded Comayagua Prison kicked ass when 359 died in a horrific blaze.
Ron Paul wins Maine although he'd never visit
Ron Paul gained 83 votes on Mitt Romney from Maine even though he's never been to or would ever visit Maine. George I and George II have a summer place there, but there aren't, like, any hotels there.
Santorum accused of trying to out-shout Occupy Protesters
In Washington state earlier this week, Rick Santorum unsuccessfully tried to shout over the cries of Occupy protesters. Said one protester, "Remind me why he thinks we give a shit about his campaign."
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