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Jobs created in response to birdsong ban...

The new regulation banning birdsong in schools will create 25,000 jobs. As well as shooters, there will be netters, trappers, and binners. The proposed carnage has been roundly condemned by the RSPB.

written by attilathehungry, 04 April 2011
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Birdsong will be banned...

Birdsong in school grounds is to be banned from May as it is a "distraction from the National Curriculum." The Minister for Education fears that falling standards may reflect badly on HM Government.

written by attilathehungry, 04 April 2011
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Woods withdraws from US Masters...

Tiger Woods has made a last-minute withdrawal from the US Masters. His agent has released a statement to the world's press citing the golfer's ill-health due to a bad attack of "unibollockitis".

written by attilathehungry, 04 April 2011
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Guinness World Record for quickest orgasm...

After nine and a half hours of intensive foreplay, an unnamed man (Peter Smith) and his equally unnamed wife (Mary Smith) finally consummated their lovemaking with a mutual orgasm in 3.7 nanoseconds.

written by attilathehungry, 03 April 2011
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Giant hot air balloon to be launched...

A humongous hot air balloon sponsored by Virgin will be launched on Thursday in Westminster. Measuring 50 metres across it will be powered by all the air in the House of Commons debating chamber.

written by attilathehungry, 03 April 2011
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Untimely death of London's Mayor...

Boris Johnson was interred last week next to Karl Marx. The eulogy was spoken by Hamlet Prince of Denmark: "Alas poor Boris, I knew him well Horatio..." (& so did half the well-bred fillies in London)

written by attilathehungry, 03 April 2011
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Legendary Irish jockey forgets to dismount...

Irish jump jockey Paddy O'Feckit, who famously finished the Gold Cup over an hour late, failed to dismount. He was last seen at the Hare & Hounds in Tetbury where he stopped for a pint of Guinness.

written by attilathehungry, 01 April 2011
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Pope Benedict assassinated in error...

A madman with a sniper rifle has assassinated Pope Benedict XVI. He later apologised profusely to the world: "I was trying to hit that prick Bono who was stood next to him, but sadly my aim was off."

written by attilathehungry, 31 March 2011
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Spoof writer considers changing name...

Hello and hi! Can you help me with this? A temporary identity crisis leaves me wondering if my name is right. Maybe "vanillathemonkey?" Or even "flotillathebungee?" Please HELP ME WITH THIS!

written by attilathehungry, 31 March 2011
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Stocks prove to be a runaway success...

Second up for the Stocks in Newcastle will be ex-PM Tony Blair. All surviving family members of poor Ken Bigley, the man ritually beheaded by Al-Qaeda in Baghdad, will be supplied with petrol-bombs.

written by attilathehungry, 31 March 2011
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The Stocks will be a popular alternative to mere verbal abuse...

Those wishing to participate in the public humiliation of Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall should arm themselves with rotten fruit & veg, cold Saturday night puke and, if at all possible, fresh afterbirth.

written by attilathehungry, 31 March 2011
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Medieval punishment to make a welcome comeback...

The Stocks are to be reintroduced in the UK and will initially be set up in Newcastle where there is an aversion to "Home Counties Public School types". First up will be Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall.

written by attilathehungry, 31 March 2011
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PM Cameron is secret cross-dresser..

Caught on video surveillance at the House of Commons, under that perfect boring grey suit David Cameron secretly wears a lacy garter belt, black nylons and a silk thong! His mummy would be so proud...

written by attilathehungry, 31 March 2011
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Councils to be re-named...

Local Councils throughout the UK will in future only be allowed to serve low-fat, low calorie, healthy choice food in their canteens. From now on they will therefore be known as "Low-cal Councils".

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
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Female hyenas to sue God over design flaw...

The African League of Lady Hyenas, ALLY, is to sue God over what they deem to be "a gross oversight". "It's fine for the males" they say, "but for the females this misshapen ugliness is unacceptable".

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
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More EU interference from Brussels...

According to a Brussels diktat, 2012 will see the order of nights and days reversed. Instead of nights following days, days will follow nights. Or as John McEnroe once put it "You can not be serious!"

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
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It's official - hedgehogs can fly!

Provided that you launch them firmly enough off the blade of a well-seasoned cricket bat. (The RSPCA have said they will investigate this new form of animal cruelty as soon as they can stop laughing).

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
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Bird found with mini-eggs...

A lonely bird has been found sitting on a nest of Cadbury's mini-eggs. When asked about it, the bird said "I couldn't find a mate, and in spring it just doesn't feel right sitting on an empty nest".

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
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It's official. There is no difference between men and women.

Both sexes are equally greedy, ignorant, lazy, tantrum prone, and incapable of sexual fidelity. Both watch rubbish on TV, and both prefer dossing around eating KFC or pizza to a bracing country walk.

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
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Mystery of shark cannibalism...

An apparently schizophrenic Great White has been observed "eating itself to death". The shark clearly mistook itself for legitimate prey when it caught sight of its own tail thrashing the water.

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
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Help is at hand for double amputees in the military...

If you lose both arms to an IED in Afghanistan, you'll never be able to w*nk again. But take heart. Since you are now a hero, you'll be able to get virtually any female to give you a "helping hand"!

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
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Man very sad not to get a bargain...

A man decided that he'd "give his right arm" to own a Porsche, so he cut it off and took it to the nearest dealership. He was a tad disappointed when they wouldn't swap it for a car, but took it well.

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
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National Anthem to be revamped...

God Save the Queen? Ouch. Not in 2011. The new cool anthem will be a gangsta rap. "That Queen's a has-been, know what I mean? And Charlie couldn't parler with a Frog, what a dog." To be continued...

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
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Peaches Geldof simply has the wrong name...

Poor old Peaches. None of it is her fault. She keeps making disastrous headlines for the simple reason that the luckless lamb was born a Geldof. I mean let's face it - her dad's a rubbish singer.

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
Showing page 3 (of 7 pages)


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