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In a bold move aimed at assisting ever falling ratings TV Licence dodgers may not be prosecuted if they promise to watch only Terrestrial TV and never ending shite British programmes!!
What a gash!
Sex specialists report extra activity in North Devon this afternoon as 'the earth moved' for many inhabitants!
Owners of a house in Ripon, Yorkshire, under which a large sinkhole has appeared have called in experts Jack O'Neill and the Stargate team to sort it.
.."One is amused...not!"
Her Maj, the Queen meets Dame Helen Mirren at Buck House soiree. Phil the Greek gets confused and asks her,"where the bloody hell did I leave my feckin' teeth last night?"
"....pistol packing mama's!"
200 active women soldiers sent home for being pregnant....obviously they were not firing blanks!
Waltons Star Ralph Waite Dies At 85
"G'night John boy!"
"Tube strike does not stop London's commuters" dribbles Boris, of course not you prat, most have feet, bikes or cars and can ill afford to stay at home and lose wages!
In the pink!
Pink Won't Make Girls Think, Says Govt Minister Jenny Willott.....it obviously did not work for you love you joined the LibDems!!!!
The Clown who could be king!
Prince Chaz follows Phil the Greeks penchant for classic gaffe's by describing Somerset floods as; "jolly good disaster".........and to think, this inbred klutz could one day be KING....jeez!!
Spread a little happiness-Oooh-la-la!
Demand For Real Butter Is Spreading.....After Hollywood executives order re-make of Last Tango In Paris!!
Education Minister and registered Imbecile Michael 'Gofer' Gove announces 10-hour school day.....'more time to sleep' added a spokesschoolchild before collapsing over his desk in a stupour!
What a whopper!!
Police Officer Seizes 15-Inch Knife From Stairwell.....a Met spokesman said they are on the lookout for a tall gentleman with an Australian accent!
Vive la France!
Hundreds Arrested During Hollande Protests.......obviously Valerie Trierweiler has a bigger fan club than poor old Franc realised!
Fat Cows Must Go On Diet, Farmers Warned.....there are plenty of the non-Bovine variety that could also use a diet!!
Wyatt Earp Junior?
Police Officer Shoots himself In The Leg while 'holstering' his pistol ...first responder, Ambulance and air Ambulance called out.....only thing missing was the Luton Girls Choir!
Sometimes they come in two's
Mike Tindall Reveals Name Of Zara Phillips' Baby....."oh god, I'm so excited...permission to exhale please!"
Intrepid explorer Anton Dec gets emotional at National Television Awards....I know the feeling cobber, I know the feeling...enough to make anyone break down and cry!
£6,000 Of Viagra Stolen From UK Military Stocks!
It's a hard life in the modern Army!
One out, all out!
Home Office staff who block failed Asylum seekers to be rewarded with gift vouchers and holiday days...'offer of the week guys'... boot out 10 Roma and win two weeks all inclusive in the Maldives!
.....Working on the chain gang!
"12 Years A Slave", the everyday story of a man who chose to make a career out of working at Tesco!
Migrant backlog will take 24 years to clear.....not if you use real bullets it won't cobber!
..........."ladies and gentlemen...please welcome...."
The Mandela Farewell Tour kicks off to worldwide anticipation....good tickets still available from Stubhub.
"I want my Mummy!"
Mothercare stores report record losses over Christmas trading season....cue Frankie Valli..."Bye bye baby, baby bye bye
German PM Angela Merkel injured in skiing accident.
MEMO to self, must buy David Cameron some ski's.
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