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Call for US Constitution Reform
Obama has called for a reform of the US Constitution. "We believe Congress should be privately owned and run along the lines of US Security Associates Inc," said he.
Queen Most Unamused
The Queen of England has asked that Rolf Harris's prize-winning portrait of her presently hanging under her bed be made into a shopping bag for Camilla Parker Bowles.
Cost of Breast Feeding
The Supreme Court of America today ruled that a newborn baby has in fact no legal right to its mother's milk and that an attorney must be appointed on its behalf to sign an agreement permitting access. Lawyers have unanimously welcomed the ruling.
"A Brief History of The World" by J.K.Rowling.
The book in eighteen volumes will be released in August: "I have been working on it since the age of six. I have always been sooooo a bit of a history buff. And I want everybody to know my nom de plume will be Virginia Fox."
Humanitarian Gesture Applauded
US Congress today ruled that free medication will be distributed to Iraqis suffering from "conspiracy theory".
Fear of Anxiety
A new fear of anxiety pill that will also cure "conspiracy theory" phobia has been developed by Prof.Willam.B.Still of the California Medical Research Lab. Available soon,... for those of who can't wait.
Quentin Tarantino Publishes Autobiography.
"It's Okay to Murder People" he calls it. Foreword by Charles Manson, illustrated by George Bush. Published by Lucifer Press. Buy one, get one free.
The New $100 banknote.
The new $100 US banknote is to feature the Rothchild coat of arms.
Jimmy Savile is expected to make an appearance at this years Satanic orgy at Bohemian Grove, a BBC spokesman has said.
George Bush Jr. releases Biography.
George Bush Jr. is to release his new biography with foreword by Tony Blair. It is called "Bull and Drones".
Declaration of Human Rights
US Congress has ruled that the UN DECLARATION OF HUMAN RIGHTS 1947 is "undemocratic" and should be rewritten by the CIA.
Vatican Saint Bonanza
Vatican announces that Pope Francis's successor, whoever he may be, will be canonized. Call it "improving our image," explained a spokesman.
A brawl in a McDonalds restaurant in Beijing got the following response from the White House. "This sort of thing must stop or we will have to invade China."
Rowling Writes New Book
J.K.Rowling has written a new book to be released in September 2016. Editor has yet to be announced.
Euthanasia In Belgium Abattoirs
Belgium is to introduce voluntary euthanasia in abattoirs. "An animal psychologist will explain to livestock what is ahead of them, and then we kill them." explained Health Minister Henri Viande.
'Bomb' at the Turner Prize.
Derry N.Ireland where the Turner Prize is to be held soon was in commotion when among the exhibits was found a hoax bomb with "PERFORMANCE PIECE" written on it.
Charles Saatchi Squeaky Clean... Official!
Charles Saatchi who has accused his wife of cocaine addiction has never gone near the stuff himself... "not ever, in over fifty years...not even once,", says his good friend Tony Blair.
The Blair Affair.
Ms Deng ex-wife of Rupert Murdoch has said that she and Tony Blair had an "innocent" relationship.
"We may have slept in the same bed... but nothing happened."
Iraq British Medical Survey
A British Medical Survey of Iraqi prisoners at Abu Ghraib prison concluded that "almost all of them suffer from conspiracy theory."
TEN-YEAR-OLD BOY DEMANDS CASTRATION
Los Angeles: A ten-year-old boy, Patrick Smith, has applied to a court to be castrated. Said he "didn't want to grow up like his parents and have nothing to live for but his pee-pee."
Ex-Pope Ratzinger was spotted yesterday having a hamburger with Elvis Presley at a Memphis roadside cafe.
UK Politicians Give Themselves Up.
Twenty-three UK politicians, many of whom were involved in Tony Blair's cabinet, yesterday surrendered themselves to Scotland Yard detectives involved in the Jimmy Savile Inquiry.
Pope Francis Attacked in Broad Daylight.
Pope Francis was attacked yesterday during a visit to the Vatican bank. "You have made my Father's house a den of thieves!" his attacker yelled. Police are looking for a man called "Jesus".
Four-Years-Old Girl Demands Sex Change.
Same sex marriage partners Julian and Clarence Mesmer, have declared their four-years-old daughter Kim, "has demanded she "be made into a boy"".... And we must respect her wishes."
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