Showing snippets written by Auntie Matter.
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"Just Not Good Enough"
Concerning a government proposal to fund The Victims of Verbal Abuse Assoc. a spokesman for the group replied:
"This is just not good enough. Fuck off!"
Vimeo Under Threat
Homosexual photographers focusing on female asses entirely will no longer be permitted. Also taboo are bimbos smoking, sporting tattoos or showing any other signs of come-on physical self-abuse.
The Soda Pop Awards Ceremony
The Gala event in New York had many reps in attendance, all in tux and gowns.
The winner went to "U-R-Lifesi", a new kid on the block that boasted no less than 195 chemicals in its composition.
"Idiot-Expert"... New US TV Show Big Hit.
Expert: Let's make the world a better place.
Idiot: Maybe if we stop fighting...
Expert: Science rules. Too many ugly, stupid people. Evolution. New World Order.
Idiot: Why not let it be?
Sinn Fein Northern Ireland
N.Ire. Political Party Sinn Fein (means "We Ourselves Alone") are seeking funding for Sinn Fein in the wake of the Brexit vote. Anyone that has any money please contact Sinn Fein and give it to them.
Working class families are "incestuous".
Middle class families are "closely knit".
Ruling class families are "firmly tied".
Man Arrested Outside White House
WASHINGTON: A man,thought by many to be a human being, was today arrested outside the White House. Said arresting officer Chuck Braine: "No human beings allowed in here, only elected representatives."
New Google Mail
The new Email is faster and more reliable than ever!
2. Credit card number.
4. Annual income.
6. Favourite authors/music/movies.
7. Blood group.
Bush's Press Secretary Shares Glory
Ari Fleischer who only today released six pages of notes that he made describing President George W. Bush's reaction to hearing of 9/11 has been nominated for the Pullitzer Prize for fiction 2017.
Blessed Virgin Appears In Ireland
Killybegs Donegal; The Virgin Mary has appeared to three schoolgirls in an orchard. She spoke to them for hours. When asked what She said, the eldest replied:
"Couldn't understand a friggin' word."
Cure at Last!
Atomosophobia is the fear of atomic explosions.
"Exposure to the fear is the only real cure", says the NWO Royal Psychiatric Commission on The Prevention of Sanity.
Worse Than Cancer
A disease worse than cancer is spreading worldwide. It is called the THEORY OF EVOLUTION taught as 'fact' to our children at school on behalf of the NWO.
"A police officer was attacked in Paris yesterday with a knife. Injuries not life threatening."
FACTS: There were 573 murders in the UK in 2015 and 100,000+ cases of violent assault including rape.
The Catholic Church is to scrap the CONFIRMATION RITE whereby teenage kids are rechristened "Warriors for Christ". "Don't want Muslims to get the wrong idea," explained the Pope.
Music Industry Announcement
"We no longer require individual creative expression in music... we have our wannabes, our market researchers... and our computers. Now, all artists, please listen, get wise...fu%#Kk off!
In a bid to trash gender stereotyping a video showing men having babies has gone viral.
High Quality Printer
New high quality computer printer released. To ensure you have "optimum quality" it will print five test pages in full colour every time you start it up ensuring to have to buy more ink asp.
Our mission .. to so confuse the sheeple that they will believe black is white and white is black. Our means for achieving this?... TELEVISION.
BBC - Hollywood
Warner Bros of Hollywood are in negotiations with the British Parliament to take over the BBC on behalf of the Obama administration.
Dead Sea Scrolls Revelation
During the Satanic ritual of his crucifixion Jesus cried out to the assembled throng;
"Father forgive them for they know not what they do."
"Get over yourself Jesus!" came the response.
An ancient legal document has been found outside Jerusalem. It cites the Sanhedrin indictment against "...the man Jesus Christ. He refused to turn to God and ask forgiveness for his blasphemy."
Rosslyn Chapel is to be excavated. "If the Knights Templar's treasure looted from Solomon's temple is buried there this is a matter of global concern. To hell with Scottish tourism!", said Dr. Hamish.
Rowling and the Burkini
The Daily Telegraph... "J.K.Rowling posted "an hilarious Tweet" on the French burkini ban.
"Boo!", she said.
"Is there no limit to this woman's brilliance?"
Next Potter book now on sale.
Sir Hiram Pike, ppokesman for the Savile Inquiry, has announced;
"We are hoping to drag the case on for another five years to give distinguished suspects every chance to die off."
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