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Under Water Record Smashed

Paris: Town clerk Henri Le Chanceur has finally made it to the Guinness Book of Records by holding his head under water for over nine minutes. The funeral is on Wednesday.

written by Auntie Matter, 19 January 2011
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Baby Doc On a Mission

Baby Doc has returned to Haiti after 25 years exile. At the airport he announced; "I have found Jesus. My mission now is to sow peace and love among my people and to repent the sins of Papa and me".

written by Auntie Matter, 18 January 2011
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Rowling Explains Vital Importance of Next Book

Said J.K.Rowling of her next Potter book. "Well, the next book is important because the idiot I ripped off said his series would comprise only seven books. Now I know the whole thing really is mine."

written by Auntie Matter, 15 January 2011
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Spoof Under Legal Threat

Notorious defamation lawyers Schillings of London have warned Spoof.com that if they do not show Ms Rowling and their other clients respect they will respectfully ruin them, as they've done to others.

written by Auntie Matter, 14 January 2011
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Killer to Plead Insanity

Tucson: Defense counsel are likely to plead insanity on behalf of mass killer Jared Loughner. They will be offering his American passport as irrefutable evidence.

written by Auntie Matter, 13 January 2011
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Assange Awarded Bravery Medal

Julian Assange of WikiLeaks has been given a special Congressional Medal for his "outstanding bravery in the service of truth and freedom of speech on which all true democracy rests." Weird or what?

written by Auntie Matter, 11 January 2011
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Willy The Wizard Case Takes a Dive

J.K.Rowling's lawyer and her agent Little's co-partner has announced that they are "delighted" with the dismissal of the WTW case against Scholastic. "Judge was great. They don't come any dumber."

written by Auntie Matter, 11 January 2011
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Fake Sincerity Championship Winners Announced

The Fake Sincerity Awards of the Millennium have just been announced in descending order: (1)J.K.Rowling (2) Tony Blair (3) Richard Nixon (4) Bill Clinton (5) Gordon Brown (6) Peter Mandelson ...

written by Auntie Matter, 10 January 2011
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Feed the World Foundation

A new charity - Feed the World - has been set up in London. It is aimed directly at the super rich and will be run by them. It is hoped at least two percent of donations will reach their destinations.

written by Auntie Matter, 07 January 2011
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Did Paris miss The Big Bang?

"The universe is not the result of chance, as some would want to make us believe," Benedict said on the day of the Epiphany, "But, I have my doubts about Paris Hilton."

written by Auntie Matter, 06 January 2011
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Arnie Lands Plum Role

Warners are doing a remake of the hit TV series of the sixties The Beverley Hillbillies. Arnie will play Jed Clampett; Paris Hilton will play Elly May and Barry Manilow will play Granny Moses.

written by Auntie Matter, 06 January 2011
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Pope Resigns

Pope Benedict today resigned from the Papacy in a dramatic TV announcement from the Vatican. "Never wanted to be a Pope in the first place," said he. "Mum's idea."

written by Auntie Matter, 06 January 2011
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Hef Liquefies

Crystal Harris is being treated for shock tonight after discovering her new husband Hugh Hefner had turned into a pool of goo during the night. Pending autopsy report sales of Viagra have been halted.

written by Auntie Matter, 05 January 2011
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Rowling to Open Own Bank

Rowling and her partners Little and Blair are to open their own bank... The Harry Potter Bank of England. "Of course, if you want to borrow from us you will have to ask our permission," she stressed.

written by Auntie Matter, 05 January 2011
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Bird Mystery Solved

On reading scientists' report as to why thousands of shocked birds fell dead out of the sky mayor of Arkansas warned citizens "If you must eat so much cabbage do not leave your windows open at night."

written by Auntie Matter, 05 January 2011
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War Gene Discovered

Scientists at the university of Notre Dame have discovered what they call a war gene. People with the gene need to follow orders and murder people. Many join the armed forces or become religious nuts.

written by Auntie Matter, 04 January 2011
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Ramsay Not Happy With Face-Lift

Gordon Ramsay observing face-job in mirror told plastic surgeon Gordon Peel: "For fucksake man, it's waaaaay overcooked! I'd never serve that in my restaurant!"

written by Auntie Matter, 03 January 2011
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Ronnie Biggs' Last Wish

Nursing Home, Barnet, London: Ailing train robber Ronnie Biggs 81 has asked for "a signed photo of J.K.Rowling for my dart board" as he "needed exercise". "I only robbed trains, not brains", said he.

written by Auntie Matter, 02 January 2011
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Ghost of Sinatra at Caesar's Palace

Staff at Caesar's Palace Las Vegas say it's haunted by the ghost of Frank Sinatra. Sounds of "My Way", "Mack the Knife", and other tunes of ego-mania, greed and murder can be heard at midnight.

written by Auntie Matter, 02 January 2011
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Ahead of his Time

A crazed homosexual held up staff at "H. Samuel's Clock Repairs" shop in London yesterday. Terrified witness said he placed his dick on the counter and ordered male attendant to "put hands on that!" "

written by Auntie Matter, 01 January 2011
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Spoofitis, New Deadly Virus at Large.

People are dying in huge numbers from new virus - SPOOFITIS. Victims can no longer take news broadcasts seriously and are addicted to the website thespook.com. Considered incurable and contagious.

written by Auntie Matter, 31 December 2010
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Sour Kraut... Der Fuhrer?

Rumours are coming out of Germany that ancient, human waiter found in Berlin Nachtklub could be Adolf Hitler.

written by Auntie Matter, 31 December 2010
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Massive Car Bomb in London

A massive 5,000lbs bomb was defused at the offices of the London Times tonight. The Little Sisters of Mary Dublin claimed responsibility, "for that cartoon about Mary" printed in Sunday's Supplement.

written by Auntie Matter, 30 December 2010
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Pope Near Death

Pope Benedict known to his friends as "Eggs" was rushed to hospital this morning. Secretary Fr. Corleone said it had nothing to do with his "urbi et orbi" promise to sell up and give all to the poor.

written by Auntie Matter, 30 December 2010
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