Spoof Snippets
Showing snippets written by Ellis Ian Fields.
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Top Tip:
Renaissance poetry lovers - if you don't understand Italian, make sure you buy a relevant translation of Dante.
Top Tip:
Virgins - if you wish to maintain your status, avoid sexual congress.
Top Tip:
Guitarists: if you have an electric guitar, don't play it plugged in while bathing.
Merkel Resists Eurozone Proposals
Doesn't fancy anyone and sees herself in the role of a German Elizabeth I - the Virgin Chancellor!
Top Tip:
Have another drink - it'll make you feel better.
Thought For The Day:
Going to Hell in a handcart? Not me! If I've gotta go, I'm going in a Maserati!
Top Tip:
Women - be aware that telepathy is, in fact, extremely rare. Don't take a chance with the man in your life - if you want something, use spoken words, don't just think at him.
Top Tip:
Men - be careful, especially when shaving, not to slice open your carotid artery. It will not end well for you.
Sombre Mood At UN Climate Talks.
"Well, the weather's rubbish - and did you hear? Leslie Nielsen died," said a spokesman.
UK Will "Lose Fewer Public Jobs."
"That's right. We've developed a special labelling system so if you put them down somewhere, whoever finds them can see who they belong to," said top civil servant.
Thought For The Day:
Dunno about Mondays, Bob. I hate Tuesdays. Really. No - Really. Until I get me drink, anyway. Oh, and CSI:Miami. Well, it's nearly Wednesday then, innit?
So Farewell, Leslie Nielsen.
Forbidden Planet was a classic. It was based on Shakespeare's The Tempest, you know. I once played Ferdinand in that. Crap role.
Top Tips
Always ensure you wear a pressurized pressure suit when venturing into outer space.
Thought For The Day:
Aha! So that's how you pronounce it... Laocoon! At last.
Top Tip:
To prevent drowning, hold breath when head is immersed in water.
Working Abroad Seminar.
Conclusion: Some people are working abroad. Some aren't.
Ryanair Announce Cutbacks.
Latest "frills" to go include wings and radar.
Thought For The Day:
Golf! What's that all about? It's not even a 'good walk spoiled' for my mate - he uses a buggy. Lazy bugger!
So Farewell, Ingrid Pitt.
Cor! Didn't half fancy you in my teens in the 70's!
Greater Manchester Police To Axe 3,000 Posts
"It's all illegal fences and must come down immediately," said spokesman.
Installing Microsoft Software On A New Laptop:
Aaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhh!
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