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Urban jungle - Tarzan moves to town
The famous Lord Greystoke moved to his Camden London residence this week. However, there were several reports regarding the disappearance of pets every time Greystoke uses his famous jungle call.
Treasure buried for future generations
A new government initiative was revealed today - over the last year, several secret batches of crystal and gold were buried around England. 'We need to think ahead,' said a Blue-party member.
Vowel infection at city restaurant
London's famous EAT IT bistro has temporarily closed,
following the discovery of a rampant strain of Vowel virus VV-IB. Several customers were served soap instead of soup, and coke instead of cake.
Revenge of the slugs?
The salt-covered body of another celebrity TV gardener has been found in a large barrel of beer. Due to the silvery trails left at the scene, police are questioning the Slug Protection League.
Big bag of misery
UK Explorer Harry 'Indiana' Davis came to a nasty end in Africa this week when he accidentally climbed inside the mouth of a giant caterpillar instead of his sleeping bag.
World's smelliest cheese on sale
The new formula 'fromage' can only be purchased from specialist delicatessens, in an air-tight container. Customers encouraged to a wear peg on the nose before consumption.
Imagine there's no orchestra
Jean-Luc Genton won the all Europe 'Air Conducting' competition today. The plucky Frenchman conducted
his way through Stravinsky's 'Rite of Spring' in front of an impressed audience of 2,000.
24 hours and counting
A middle-aged mum from Manchester was rushed to hospital in shock today after her '24 hours girdle' unexpectedly expired after only 22 hours. 'I will be returning it to the lingerie store,' she said.
Bring back the bucket and churn
A technician injured his back after slipping on a wet floor at the Wales Sterile Dairy Unit. Cynics blame EU directive and request a return to traditional cheese preparation - 'it's safer' they claim.
Green and pleasant land
Protests continue in middle England as Sir Rupert Bear - MP for Nutwood, leads a campaign to prevent the redevelopment of common ground. Dr. Edward Trunk to raise issue in parliament.
New 'wellcopop' drinks available
A new range of fruity 'wellcopop' drinks are claimed to act as a remedy to 'alcopop'. Sales are expected to rocket in student populations.
Return of the deadly dustbins?
Scientists believe that super-intelligent predators are responsible for the falling numbes of binmen. These cunning creatures look very much like wheelie-bins but can swallow a fully grown human.
Gone with the wind
A new antibiotic is commercially available for Scarlet Fever. In trials, subjects however experienced flatulence as a side effect. Frankly speaking, most subjects are reported not to 'give a damn'.
That's one in the eye
TV hypnotist 'Mindful Michael' was taken into care yesterday when he attempted to hypnotise a studio audience member wearing reflective contact lenses into a deep sleep.
Tea voted nation's favourite drink
For the 100th year running, tea has been voted by the UK as the top English drink. Eastern nations cynically suggest that fresh water is more appropriate.
Politicians have expressed an increase in superstitious behaviour in the run-up to elections. "The allegations are false," claimed a senior MP, "the ruling party are perfectly stable. Touch wood."
Software bug hits UK androids
Brit Android Industries, the UK's largest android supplier has been affected by a progran virus. Customers are requested to return any androids displaying human traits: selfishness, racism, violence.
New binary books for programmers
Online binary editions of classics may soon be accessed via the Binary Project website. Current titles include '00111100 000' and '11000100010' by Jane Austen.
Panic in BBC Newsrooms
The Big Ben clock-tower is shrinking. "It's a common feature of Westminster towers," says expert, and is associated with age. By 2015, we will have a Medium Ben."
New sets of English dialect GCSEs to be introduced to schools in the UK. West-Country, Geordie, Cockney and Brummie initially offered.
A UK grandma was presented with the 'Good Household' twin knitting and spaghetti-craft awards today, by creating the world's first edible cardigan.
The Inquisitor - the man who questions everything has been arrested for an alleged case of serious whichcraft.
Wizards 0 : Muggles 1
The Quillbury company - the main supplier of quills for Hogwarts School for Wizards and Witches has gone into liquidation. Pupils forced to use ballpoints. Parents fear influence of Muggle world.
TV Talent Gene-ius!
New 'desperation' gene identified in human genome. Genetic trials suggest that in 88 out of 100 cases, carriers are likely to enter a reality TV show or national TV talent contest.
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