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Scientists report positive results in Airplane survey
Scientsist now have absolute proof that the noses, toes and fingers of flight staff and passengers become longer and thinner with height.
New Health Initiative for office workers
UK office staff will be required to wear seatbelts and blinkers to counteract the nausea experienced by stress-related Pseudo-Airflight syndrome.
Join the club
French-Irish golfer Jean Luc O'Zade tried to pull a fast one today when he kicked his golf-ball into Hole 18. He claimed the move acceptable, since he used his clubbed foot.
Rebel store advertises Christmas early
Grayson's Mart rebelled against the Northern Mall agreement of not selling Christmas items until December 1st. 'We think that every day should be Christmas,' said the manager.
Bonkers for Conkers
As Autumn kicks in, several illegal bareknuckle conker-fighting clubs have been unearthed by England and Wales police, and several hefty fines dished out. Could this be the last of the forty-niners?
Halloweening up the score
Dorset and Wiltshire goblins protested today about the upcoming Halloween plans, claiming that the occasion is now far too commercial. 'Why can't humans just stick to All Saints Day,' they say.
One bright spark
Scientific farmer, Norbert 'Lecky' Tonkin may have solved the UK's depleting energy sources. He planted several lightbulbs in spring, fed them elctro-compost and now has an orchard of lanterns.
Tantric phone call
A lady from Hull got herself into a tangle today by redialing her own number, using a new time-telphone. She proceeded to have a conversation with herself, and was unable to hang up.
A blind delivery
The A-1 delivery company apologised today after 55 blind dogs were delivered to an equal number of bemused tour guides.
On yer bike!
Several employees at the UK Go-bike cycle company are to
grow handlebar moustaches, to promote cycling. One or two will also wear bell-bottoms, pumps and Panier shorts.
From the dreams of Androids
The first batch of electric sheep were released today. West Country farmers hope to use the wire wool produced to create scouring pads.
Time after time
A box of dates was lost from Old Father Time's kitchen this week. Vigillant folk will have noted that the world actually jumped ahead three days.
Disappearance of PC 'mice'
PC users are warned that PC 'mice' have been reported missing. The software specialist squad have located, and are analysing mouse droppings.
Doctors warn against Literary Osmosis for students
As another academic year begins, increases in Literary Osmosis Syndrome have been noted. This is the belief that by simply owning a college library book, the relevant data migrates into one's mind.
The future's so bright
Several dentists have started to wear dark glasses while working. Patients' teeth are getting so white that they are causing excessive glare.
New Welsh spring water now on sale
Welsh water ELBI-LLUG is claimed to have healing properties. Established European companies declare that the 'natural goodness' in this case includes sheep droppings, and warns public not to be NAÏVE.
Owls lose their cool
Several reports have been made this week, regarding the terrorising behaviour of rogue owls in the East England Woodlands. The problems began when the stoats won the Woodland wisdom championship cup.
Urban jungle - Tarzan moves to town
The famous Lord Greystoke moved to his Camden London residence this week. However, there were several reports regarding the disappearance of pets every time Greystoke uses his famous jungle call.
Treasure buried for future generations
A new government initiative was revealed today - over the last year, several secret batches of crystal and gold were buried around England. 'We need to think ahead,' said a Blue-party member.
Vowel infection at city restaurant
London's famous EAT IT bistro has temporarily closed,
following the discovery of a rampant strain of Vowel virus VV-IB. Several customers were served soap instead of soup, and coke instead of cake.
Revenge of the slugs?
The salt-covered body of another celebrity TV gardener has been found in a large barrel of beer. Due to the silvery trails left at the scene, police are questioning the Slug Protection League.
Big bag of misery
UK Explorer Harry 'Indiana' Davis came to a nasty end in Africa this week when he accidentally climbed inside the mouth of a giant caterpillar instead of his sleeping bag.
World's smelliest cheese on sale
The new formula 'fromage' can only be purchased from specialist delicatessens, in an air-tight container. Customers encouraged to a wear peg on the nose before consumption.
Imagine there's no orchestra
Jean-Luc Gingembre won the all Europe 'Air Conducting' competition today. The plucky Frenchman conducted
his way through Stravinsky's 'Rite of Spring' in front of an impressed audience of 2,000.
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