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ASDFGH organisation launch protest against the QWERTY club
There has been a call for the reorganisation of all typewriter keyboards. 'The QWERTY bunch have had their own way for too long,' ASDFGH members claim. (The ZXCVBN group made no comment).
Let's Hear It for the Noise
Brian Blessed and Tom Baker are to face each other in a celebrity shouting match for charity. "I'll be starting with the famous 'To Be… or Not To Be…' speech from Hamlet," said Blessed.
Fashionable new 'Pi-jamas' released
This week, Olympus clothing company released their new range of stylish nightwear, including a pair of lightweight Greek cotton sleep-rags. They can be worn 7 hours a day for a 22-day period.
Rock star retaliates with pants stunt
Wanabee 'Tom Jones' styled Testo-popster Micky Zee whipped off his boxers and threw them at a screaming horde of female fans, yesterday. 'Take that!' he cried, and stormed off stage.
The sky's the limit
Retro micro-programmers mix jos-sticks and joysticks during marathon charity 'game in'. "The tests were cent per scent", declared Pac Man record holder.
Welsh farmer makes early start on '12 days of Christmas' scene
"The French hens are fine, but the partridge just won't stay in the pear tree," said farmer Dewi Lloyd.
New clothing invention hits mainstream clothing stores
The 'Newtonian weighted vest' can now be purchased for the larger gent. Specialised weights are attached to hooks to keep the vest in place.
Scientists report positive results in Airplane survey
Scientsist now have absolute proof that the noses, toes and fingers of flight staff and passengers become longer and thinner with height.
New Health Initiative for office workers
UK office staff will be required to wear seatbelts and blinkers to counteract the nausea experienced by stress-related Pseudo-Airflight syndrome.
Join the club
French-Irish golfer Jean Luc O'Zade tried to pull a fast one today when he kicked his golf-ball into Hole 18. He claimed the move acceptable, since he used his clubbed foot.
Rebel store advertises Christmas early
Grayson's Mart rebelled against the Northern Mall agreement of not selling Christmas items until December 1st. 'We think that every day should be Christmas,' said the manager.
Bonkers for Conkers
As Autumn kicks in, several illegal bareknuckle conker-fighting clubs have been unearthed by England and Wales police, and several hefty fines dished out. Could this be the last of the forty-niners?
Halloweening up the score
Dorset and Wiltshire goblins protested today about the upcoming Halloween plans, claiming that the occasion is now far too commercial. 'Why can't humans just stick to All Saints Day,' they say.
One bright spark
Scientific farmer, Norbert 'Lecky' Tonkin may have solved the UK's depleting energy sources. He planted several lightbulbs in spring, fed them elctro-compost and now has an orchard of lanterns.
Tantric phone call
A lady from Hull got herself into a tangle today by redialing her own number, using a new time-telphone. She proceeded to have a conversation with herself, and was unable to hang up.
A blind delivery
The A-1 delivery company apologised today after 55 blind dogs were delivered to an equal number of bemused tour guides.
On yer bike!
Several employees at the UK Go-bike cycle company are to
grow handlebar moustaches, to promote cycling. One or two will also wear bell-bottoms, pumps and Panier shorts.
From the dreams of Androids
The first batch of electric sheep were released today. West Country farmers hope to use the wire wool produced to create scouring pads.
Time after time
A box of dates was lost from Old Father Time's kitchen this week. Vigillant folk will have noted that the world actually jumped ahead three days.
Disappearance of PC 'mice'
PC users are warned that PC 'mice' have been reported missing. The software specialist squad have located, and are analysing mouse droppings.
Doctors warn against Literary Osmosis for students
As another academic year begins, increases in Literary Osmosis Syndrome have been noted. This is the belief that by simply owning a college library book, the relevant data migrates into one's mind.
The future's so bright
Several dentists have started to wear dark glasses while working. Patients' teeth are getting so white that they are causing excessive glare.
New Welsh spring water now on sale
Welsh water ELBI-LLUG is claimed to have healing properties. Established European companies declare that the 'natural goodness' in this case includes sheep droppings, and warns public not to be NAÏVE.
Owls lose their cool
Several reports have been made this week, regarding the terrorising behaviour of rogue owls in the East England Woodlands. The problems began when the stoats won the Woodland wisdom championship cup.
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