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Backpacker's guide to the salad drawer
The 19-year-old British backpacker missing in Australia for 12 days has been found alive. Jamie Neale lived on seeds, reeds "and a kind of lettuce." Cos? Cos there was nothing else to eat, stupid!
US President's "terror campaign" threat to old lady
There was an Obama who swatted a fly. "I don't know why he swatted a fly," admitted a White House spokesman. White supremacists issued a statement through a far-right spokesman: "Perhaps he'll die."
"Tooled-up" Queen's threat to British National Party voters
The Queen has threatened to use a blunt instrument, perhaps a gold sceptre or Prince Philip, on BNP voters, "concerned about the fascists' attack on One's British-born subjects and the Commonwealth."
Joy Division drinking song voted top rare recording
The New Melodical Periodical has voted a Joy Division cover its top rarity among music fans and less obsessive listeners. "Show me the way to go home / I'm tired and I want to go to bed / In silence."
European Scrabblections: centre-right defeats Greens with Triple Letter Score
With voters due to put their X's where their mouths are Thursday, centre-right Polish Member of the European Parliament Urszula Gacek has defeated Green Party co-president Monica Frassoni at Scrabble.
Microsoft "Project Natal" will keep dads happy during childbirth
Microsoft's "Project Natal" controller will give fathers something to do during childbirth, say experts. "No more hand-crushing, just FIFA 09 and access to the porn you know you'll need for 6 months."
Celebituaries: Danny La Rue, RVP (Royal Variety Performance)
An emotional tributary has poured into The Spoof for Danny la Rue, who has died at 8-1. The drag artist, born Daniel Patrick La Rue, was a regular member of the Carry On team, catchphrase: "I'm free!"
Nancy's high price for Obama advice "entailed entrails"
Nancy Reagan plucked the intestines from a still-living dog to convey Barack Obama's apologies for "Seance-gate" to her late husband, Ronald. "Give him three months, he'll get a new dog," she cackled.
Riverdance, Oceandrown: dancer literally and metaphorically "sunk"
A "lost at sea" Riverdance star's ability to tread water may have been hampered by her choice of dance discipline. Tests show that, in a crisis, Irish dancers' arms stay by their sides and they drown.
Time and Redhead Dimension in Snog
Och aye the Who! Producers have given Doctor Who his first ginger companion since Donna Noble. Sexy Scottish actress Karen Gillan, 21, will clash with the TARDIS interior opposite Matt Smith, 940.
Britain's Got Scrabble: Boyle defeated
After a tense game littered with four-letter words, Britain's Got Talent's Shaheen Jafargholi has beaten Susan Boyle at Scrabble. Jafargholi will meet Sri Lankan leader Mahinda Rajapaksa in the final.
Fawlty Powers: hotelier Basil for North Korea peace envoy
America has appointed Basil Fawlty, aka Monty Pythawn, as US peace ambassador to North Korea. "Don't mention Team America or the Ministry for Silly Marching! I did, but I think I got away with it ..."
Stig-Marmite: yeast spread Messiah sighted in Wales
Thousands of pilgrims in Lourdes and Dallas are predicted to find Wales on Google Maps before staying put, according to experts. Christianity is known for the slogan: "You either love it or hate it."
Barcelona hammered two goals into the open mouths of football pundits last night. Despite Manchester United kicking off ten minutes before Barcelona took to the pitch, the Spanish side was victorious.
Cheggers plays pop, but not for pirates
Keith "Chegwin" Cheggers has turned down an offer to be the new face of Somalian Pirate Radio. "He couldn't withdraw quick enough," said the former Mrs Cheggers, Maggie Philbin.
SportSpurt: Big Brother bludgeoner to face Tiger
Jack Tweed is to face Tiger Woods on the golf course. Woods plays from scratch, Tweed plays off a two handicap: an electronic tag and being in jail. Bookmakers back bad boy Jack to win by a knockout.
"Mad for it" rave shame of marmoset-manipulators
Scientists bred marmosets with a glow-in-the-dark gene "to make them the ultimate rave accessory", claims The Spoof's (acid-) house expert, Mr D Mob. "But this isn't 1989," added Mr Mob, "is it?!"
Griffin fears butter-knife assault on Palace lawn
British National Party leader Nick Griffin will not attend a Buck House garden party to save embarrassing the Queen. Garden party expert Fish out of Marillion said: "Prince Philip may also be absent."
Pilgrims flock to see cheesy Jesus of Texas
The first pilgrims from Lourdes have finally shown up at Dan and Sarah Bell's house in Dallas to see their Jesus-shaped crunchy snack. A shame-faced Mr Bell admitted: "Sometimes a man gets hungry ..."
Her Majesty holds hacks hostage
The Queen is holding two journalists hostage in London's Wapping. "Tooled up" from her arms cache in the Tower of London, the monarch is reported to have said: "Who wants some of one's sceptre?"
Pickled cucumbers "here to stay"
In a ministerial mix-up, gherkins have been given the right to remain in the UK. At an "impromptu garden party", they were consumed lasciviously by Joanna Lumley in front of lame duck PM Gordon Brown.
Doggy in window "subject to superinflation"
Wartime songs are outdated, a top dog-monger told The Spoof: "There's no point in you even asking. Even a waggly tail is no longer fitted as standard. It's an optional extra. Nor do we stock bananas."
Somali pirates' confederation to split
By one "Aye!", the Confederation of Somali Pirates voted to split into eight pieces, according to UK spokesmen Roger Jolly and Canon R. James Ladd. Custody of the parrot has not yet been established.
Prince branded "a tool" by Internet
Prince Charles, heir to the Throne, is "a tool" according to a string of websites called The Internet. One branded him: "As useful as a Spam hammer." Another said he was: "A waste of a good crown."
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