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Backpacker's guide to the salad drawer

The 19-year-old British backpacker missing in Australia for 12 days has been found alive. Jamie Neale lived on seeds, reeds "and a kind of lettuce." Cos? Cos there was nothing else to eat, stupid!

written by neilwatson, 15 July 2009
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US President's "terror campaign" threat to old lady

There was an Obama who swatted a fly. "I don't know why he swatted a fly," admitted a White House spokesman. White supremacists issued a statement through a far-right spokesman: "Perhaps he'll die."

written by neilwatson, 18 June 2009
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"Tooled-up" Queen's threat to British National Party voters

The Queen has threatened to use a blunt instrument, perhaps a gold sceptre or Prince Philip, on BNP voters, "concerned about the fascists' attack on One's British-born subjects and the Commonwealth."

written by neilwatson, 04 June 2009
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Joy Division drinking song voted top rare recording

The New Melodical Periodical has voted a Joy Division cover its top rarity among music fans and less obsessive listeners. "Show me the way to go home / I'm tired and I want to go to bed / In silence."

written by neilwatson, 03 June 2009
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European Scrabblections: centre-right defeats Greens with Triple Letter Score

With voters due to put their X's where their mouths are Thursday, centre-right Polish Member of the European Parliament Urszula Gacek has defeated Green Party co-president Monica Frassoni at Scrabble.

written by neilwatson, 02 June 2009
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Microsoft "Project Natal" will keep dads happy during childbirth

Microsoft's "Project Natal" controller will give fathers something to do during childbirth, say experts. "No more hand-crushing, just FIFA 09 and access to the porn you know you'll need for 6 months."

written by neilwatson, 02 June 2009
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Celebituaries: Danny La Rue, RVP (Royal Variety Performance)

An emotional tributary has poured into The Spoof for Danny la Rue, who has died at 8-1. The drag artist, born Daniel Patrick La Rue, was a regular member of the Carry On team, catchphrase: "I'm free!"

written by neilwatson, 02 June 2009
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Nancy's high price for Obama advice "entailed entrails"

Nancy Reagan plucked the intestines from a still-living dog to convey Barack Obama's apologies for "Seance-gate" to her late husband, Ronald. "Give him three months, he'll get a new dog," she cackled.

written by neilwatson, 02 June 2009
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Riverdance, Oceandrown: dancer literally and metaphorically "sunk"

A "lost at sea" Riverdance star's ability to tread water may have been hampered by her choice of dance discipline. Tests show that, in a crisis, Irish dancers' arms stay by their sides and they drown.

written by neilwatson, 02 June 2009
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Time and Redhead Dimension in Snog

Och aye the Who! Producers have given Doctor Who his first ginger companion since Donna Noble. Sexy Scottish actress Karen Gillan, 21, will clash with the TARDIS interior opposite Matt Smith, 940.

written by neilwatson, 30 May 2009
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Britain's Got Scrabble: Boyle defeated

After a tense game littered with four-letter words, Britain's Got Talent's Shaheen Jafargholi has beaten Susan Boyle at Scrabble. Jafargholi will meet Sri Lankan leader Mahinda Rajapaksa in the final.

written by neilwatson, 29 May 2009
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Fawlty Powers: hotelier Basil for North Korea peace envoy

America has appointed Basil Fawlty, aka Monty Pythawn, as US peace ambassador to North Korea. "Don't mention Team America or the Ministry for Silly Marching! I did, but I think I got away with it ..."

written by neilwatson, 28 May 2009
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Stig-Marmite: yeast spread Messiah sighted in Wales

Thousands of pilgrims in Lourdes and Dallas are predicted to find Wales on Google Maps before staying put, according to experts. Christianity is known for the slogan: "You either love it or hate it."

written by neilwatson, 28 May 2009
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SportSpurt: Barcel-over-the-moon-a

Barcelona hammered two goals into the open mouths of football pundits last night. Despite Manchester United kicking off ten minutes before Barcelona took to the pitch, the Spanish side was victorious.

written by neilwatson, 28 May 2009
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Cheggers plays pop, but not for pirates

Keith "Chegwin" Cheggers has turned down an offer to be the new face of Somalian Pirate Radio. "He couldn't withdraw quick enough," said the former Mrs Cheggers, Maggie Philbin.

written by neilwatson, 28 May 2009
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SportSpurt: Big Brother bludgeoner to face Tiger

Jack Tweed is to face Tiger Woods on the golf course. Woods plays from scratch, Tweed plays off a two handicap: an electronic tag and being in jail. Bookmakers back bad boy Jack to win by a knockout.

written by neilwatson, 28 May 2009
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"Mad for it" rave shame of marmoset-manipulators

Scientists bred marmosets with a glow-in-the-dark gene "to make them the ultimate rave accessory", claims The Spoof's (acid-) house expert, Mr D Mob. "But this isn't 1989," added Mr Mob, "is it?!"

written by neilwatson, 28 May 2009
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Griffin fears butter-knife assault on Palace lawn

British National Party leader Nick Griffin will not attend a Buck House garden party to save embarrassing the Queen. Garden party expert Fish out of Marillion said: "Prince Philip may also be absent."

written by neilwatson, 27 May 2009
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Pilgrims flock to see cheesy Jesus of Texas

The first pilgrims from Lourdes have finally shown up at Dan and Sarah Bell's house in Dallas to see their Jesus-shaped crunchy snack. A shame-faced Mr Bell admitted: "Sometimes a man gets hungry ..."

written by neilwatson, 27 May 2009
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Her Majesty holds hacks hostage

The Queen is holding two journalists hostage in London's Wapping. "Tooled up" from her arms cache in the Tower of London, the monarch is reported to have said: "Who wants some of one's sceptre?"

written by neilwatson, 24 May 2009
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Pickled cucumbers "here to stay"

In a ministerial mix-up, gherkins have been given the right to remain in the UK. At an "impromptu garden party", they were consumed lasciviously by Joanna Lumley in front of lame duck PM Gordon Brown.

written by neilwatson, 22 May 2009
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Doggy in window "subject to superinflation"

Wartime songs are outdated, a top dog-monger told The Spoof: "There's no point in you even asking. Even a waggly tail is no longer fitted as standard. It's an optional extra. Nor do we stock bananas."

written by neilwatson, 20 May 2009
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Somali pirates' confederation to split

By one "Aye!", the Confederation of Somali Pirates voted to split into eight pieces, according to UK spokesmen Roger Jolly and Canon R. James Ladd. Custody of the parrot has not yet been established.

written by neilwatson, 20 May 2009
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Prince branded "a tool" by Internet

Prince Charles, heir to the Throne, is "a tool" according to a string of websites called The Internet. One branded him: "As useful as a Spam hammer." Another said he was: "A waste of a good crown."

written by neilwatson, 20 May 2009
Showing page 2 (of 3 pages)


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