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VW turns back the clock!
Nein to software, computers, navi systems and back to basics for VW! Ancient Beetles will now be produced in Wolfsburg and Hitler was heard turning in his grave! NEIN BITTE NICHT!!!
Messi does not screw the Inland Revenue!
Mutli-millionaire soccer player, Lionel Messi, has been cleared of Spanish tax evasion, instead his padre is guilty, typical Spanish, keep it in the family!
New Liverpool manager is a dead Beetle!
Liverpool will not employ a living manager anymore, they have decided to erect an inspirational statue of a dead Beetle who sucked in many VW exhaust fumes whilst alive, plus other filthy substances!
Niagara Falls discovered on Mars!
Martians have built a replica of Niagara Falls on Mars proving that they are very clever or love April Fools! For the answer ask NASA or Allah!
Elton wants intimate meeting with Putin!
To discuss gay rights in Russia, Elton John, has requested to meet Putin in a private hotel on Hampstead Heath! Putin refused and told Elton to F himself, Elton replied, "I'd rather have you do that!"
Stand up Sir Rooney!
If this Scouse clown gets a knighthood I have decided to become an illegal immigrant and give my British passport to someone more deserving, Syrian maybe, because enough is enough!
App porn cums out!
It seems as though porn apps are being misused because not only do the participants suck, they are also being sucked out of their money! Housewives giving secret head are now forcibly 'cumming out!'
US Cadets complete training with pillow fights!
West Point academy has hardened up its cadets by introducing pillow fighting as the final phase of training! ISIS cannot wait for the US Boys to arrive, they love featherweight headless chickens!
Sheepshaggers fail to penetrate Chris the sheep!
Australian sheepshaggers desperate to penetrate Chris the sheep because of his abnormal size have failed because sheep-shearers saved Chris's virginity by shearing him, just in time!
Thank heavens there's not another K in KK!
Kim Kardashian is missing a K and if she had another one that would be real news, but sadly she only has a Big B and 2 huge BB's and her dad is jealous!
Donald is a lame duck!
The US have chosen their next president because they've had enough of lame ducks and prefer a hard-nut pussy!
Premiership starts with a massive hangover!
Not only binging Premier Clubs throwing millions out of the window have a hangover, players do too. Angel (well he thinks he is) Di Maria had a stinking hangover in Manchester and went AWOL, ARSEHOLE
It's round, faraway & f'ing freezing!
Who really gives a f++k about Pluto? Obviously mad scientists do because they love throwing billions into outer space to prove what we all know; there aint nobody f'ing out there!
Greece saved from the abyss!
An army of 300 Spartans has saved Greece for going down the pot led by Ataturk who stopped them at the pearly gates of hell; Merkel gnashed her rather green teeth!
Jawohl we have a Pigclimber!
Basti Schweinsteiger has joined United and piggies all over Europe a oinking becasue he is a legendary Pigclimber! If he can do it so can all piggies, Grunt, grunt!
Cameron is a lying creep!
The Right Honorable David Cameron PM, proved today what the world already knew, politicians are a bunch of lying creeps and this idiot takes the biscuit while the poorest of the poor, get the crumbs!
John Travolta in "Greece Frightening!"
John is not to be reunited with Olivia in the latest blockbuster movie, Greece Frightening, she told producers to stuff their Drachmas where the sun don't shine, John didn't mind, he's broke anyway!
Balotelli for United!
I actually think Balotelli would be a great buy for United! Am I mad?
Pythagoras evicted from his cave!
The ghost of Pythagoras has been evicted from his cave on Samos because he hasn't paid a drachma in tax. Angie Merkel thought it was sad and hopes Greece will also be evicted!
Courtney Love flashes pussy at Parisian protestors!
Courtney Love Cobain (who?) escaped the Parisian taxi driver riots by opening her knickerless thighs in a taxi and flashed down a horny motorcyclist, he could not refuse and landed in Nirvana!
Twitter goes MAD!
Twitter has been infiltrated by ex-spoofers spreading madness all over the planet. Owners of Twitter tried to stop the plague, but fell victims of spoof insanity before the straight jackets arrived!
Greek tourists abandon Greek Islands!
Tourists flocking to the sun on Greek Islands have been seen boarding abandoned rowing boats in the hope of escaping those who abandoned them! People smugglers were happy to hold out their hands!
Man United buy 5000 new players!
It has been confirmed that United are so determined to win the EPL again they have purchased 5000 new players according to the Daily Star, a serious tabloid!
Spanish village kills Jews!
An innocent Spanish village called Fort Kill Jews has been forced to change its name because there are no Jews living there and rumours circulating the area swear the mayor is a reincarnated Hitler!
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