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Showing page 2 (of 28 pages)

Getting Our Money's Worth

LONE RANGER: John Boehner says employers can't afford a minimum wage hike.

TONTO: Proposed increase 19%. Boehner not aware corporate profit up 19%? Maybe him need to make $7.25 an hour, Kemo Sabe!

written by The San Francisco Onion, 14 February 2013

Beating a Dead Horse Joke

Forensic analysts surprised to find charred remains of body believed to be former police officer and accused killer Christopher Dorner contains traces of horse meat.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 14 February 2013

Ted Nugent Is a Gay Pirate

His threatening remarks led to a Secret Service visit, but Ted Nugent claims, "I threatened the President? Are you kidding me? Why don't you just say that I'm a gay pirate?"

Happy now?

written by The San Francisco Onion, 13 February 2013

Choking on the Truth

BATMAN: Telling lies made Marco Rubio so nervous he needed a drink of water.

ROBIN: Holy frijoles, Batman! For the Spanish version of that same speech, he took a shot of tequila with salt and lime!

written by The San Francisco Onion, 13 February 2013

Run for the Border Gets Easier

Lindsay Lohan says she will open a "high-end Mexican restaurant" in Lower Manhattan - same great menu, prices, late-nite hours as Taco-bell, but with a drive-thru lane big enough for her limousine.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 13 February 2013

No Weight Behind Her Argument

Pres. Obama says executive orders necessary considering gravity of global warming situation. Michele Bachmann declares laws of physics unconstitutional, dismisses both gravity and global warming.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 13 February 2013

Bucking the Trend

LONE RANGER: Marco Rubio says government can't control weather.

TONTO: Him right. Oil company control government and consumer, so oil company control weather. That why Tonto ride horse, Kemo Sabe!

written by The San Francisco Onion, 13 February 2013

literacy r8 not gr8

Study shows Pres. Obama favors local media outlets and TV, but rarely grants newspaper interviews. "LMAO," the President texted. "2 L8 4 papers. No $$ 2 teach Americans 2 read."

written by The San Francisco Onion, 11 February 2013

Action, Reaction

Nancy Pelosi suggests oil companies don't need $2.5 billion in tax breaks, $20 billion in subsidies when they made $80 billion last year. Gas prices hiked 25 cents a gallon the next day.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 11 February 2013

The Chief Problem With Congress

LONE RANGER: Some say President Obama oversteps his authority with executive actions.

TONTO: Them forget President Chief, Congress Indian. Indian not do job, Chief merely compensate, Kemo Sabe!

written by The San Francisco Onion, 11 February 2013

Republicans Emit Greenhouse Gases

The world's 1.3 billion cattle contribute 18% of our greenhouse gas emissions, including 37% of methane. The resulting fart joke made conservatives laugh so hard, they contributed another 6%.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 February 2013

Obama's Salute to Confederate Flag

After maintenance workers mistakenly fly Confederate flag over Mississippi Supreme Court building, President Obama grateful for at least this one thing Republicans might not try to pin on him.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 February 2013

Bite the Silver Bullet

LONE RANGER: "Job creators" complain about how bad their taxes are today.

TONTO: When everyone live on moldy scrap, sleep in newspaper, who buy product? Then "job creator" out of work, Kemo Sabe!

written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 February 2013

Meanwhile, Back at the Hall of Justice

BATMAN: Some say gun makers are not responsible for gun deaths.

ROBIN: Holy Bat Blunders, Batman! If they're right, maybe we shouldn't have been so rough on those guys at the meth lab!

written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 February 2013

Painting the Town Red

Growing Latino population may turn Texas blue in a decade or so, which could mean no more Republican presidents. Party faithful descend on Austin, Dallas, San Antonio armed with brushes, red paint.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 February 2013

Honest Injun

LONE RANGER: Some criticize the President for investing in failed green technology.

TONTO: At least Obama try. Oil and car company not go green until oil gone, then call it job creation, Kemo Sabe!

written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 February 2013

The Man Who Was Everywhere

Obama admits he was in Libya giving orders to generals during Benghazi attack, at an Oval Office meeting, and on the green sinking putts all at the same time, because he is the first Magic President.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 February 2013

21st Century Conservative Values?

Pakistani girl shot for going to school alters 14th Century dogma depriving females of education. Honor student shot in Chicago prompts dogmatic Tea Partier to bash First Lady for attending funeral.