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Getting Our Money's Worth
LONE RANGER: John Boehner says employers can't afford a minimum wage hike.
TONTO: Proposed increase 19%. Boehner not aware corporate profit up 19%? Maybe him need to make $7.25 an hour, Kemo Sabe!
Beating a Dead Horse Joke
Forensic analysts surprised to find charred remains of body believed to be former police officer and accused killer Christopher Dorner contains traces of horse meat.
Ted Nugent Is a Gay Pirate
His threatening remarks led to a Secret Service visit, but Ted Nugent claims, "I threatened the President? Are you kidding me? Why don't you just say that I'm a gay pirate?"
Choking on the Truth
BATMAN: Telling lies made Marco Rubio so nervous he needed a drink of water.
ROBIN: Holy frijoles, Batman! For the Spanish version of that same speech, he took a shot of tequila with salt and lime!
Run for the Border Gets Easier
Lindsay Lohan says she will open a "high-end Mexican restaurant" in Lower Manhattan - same great menu, prices, late-nite hours as Taco-bell, but with a drive-thru lane big enough for her limousine.
No Weight Behind Her Argument
Pres. Obama says executive orders necessary considering gravity of global warming situation. Michele Bachmann declares laws of physics unconstitutional, dismisses both gravity and global warming.
Bucking the Trend
LONE RANGER: Marco Rubio says government can't control weather.
TONTO: Him right. Oil company control government and consumer, so oil company control weather. That why Tonto ride horse, Kemo Sabe!
literacy r8 not gr8
Study shows Pres. Obama favors local media outlets and TV, but rarely grants newspaper interviews. "LMAO," the President texted. "2 L8 4 papers. No $$ 2 teach Americans 2 read."
Nancy Pelosi suggests oil companies don't need $2.5 billion in tax breaks, $20 billion in subsidies when they made $80 billion last year. Gas prices hiked 25 cents a gallon the next day.
The Chief Problem With Congress
LONE RANGER: Some say President Obama oversteps his authority with executive actions.
TONTO: Them forget President Chief, Congress Indian. Indian not do job, Chief merely compensate, Kemo Sabe!
Republicans Emit Greenhouse Gases
The world's 1.3 billion cattle contribute 18% of our greenhouse gas emissions, including 37% of methane. The resulting fart joke made conservatives laugh so hard, they contributed another 6%.
Obama's Salute to Confederate Flag
After maintenance workers mistakenly fly Confederate flag over Mississippi Supreme Court building, President Obama grateful for at least this one thing Republicans might not try to pin on him.
Bite the Silver Bullet
LONE RANGER: "Job creators" complain about how bad their taxes are today.
TONTO: When everyone live on moldy scrap, sleep in newspaper, who buy product? Then "job creator" out of work, Kemo Sabe!
Meanwhile, Back at the Hall of Justice
BATMAN: Some say gun makers are not responsible for gun deaths.
ROBIN: Holy Bat Blunders, Batman! If they're right, maybe we shouldn't have been so rough on those guys at the meth lab!
Painting the Town Red
Growing Latino population may turn Texas blue in a decade or so, which could mean no more Republican presidents. Party faithful descend on Austin, Dallas, San Antonio armed with brushes, red paint.
LONE RANGER: Some criticize the President for investing in failed green technology.
TONTO: At least Obama try. Oil and car company not go green until oil gone, then call it job creation, Kemo Sabe!
The Man Who Was Everywhere
Obama admits he was in Libya giving orders to generals during Benghazi attack, at an Oval Office meeting, and on the green sinking putts all at the same time, because he is the first Magic President.
21st Century Conservative Values?
Pakistani girl shot for going to school alters 14th Century dogma depriving females of education. Honor student shot in Chicago prompts dogmatic Tea Partier to bash First Lady for attending funeral.
Real Housewives of Bonners Ferry?
GOP Rep. Labrador of Idaho fires staffer for posting reference to racy TV sitcom in tweet confessing, "Me likey Broke Girls." I wasn't aware the Potato State had anything other than "broke girls."
We Wanted You to Wear Clothes
Due to the Grammy crackdown on exposed breasts and butts this year, Lady Gaga decided to wear a far less revealing garment made entirely of chicken breasts and butt steak.
Another Argument for Mental Health Services
LONE RANGER: In Indiana, N. Carolina, people shot each other to celebrate the 2nd Amendment.
TONTO: That the only 2 states Romney take from Obama. Voters sick in head, Kemo Sabe! Medicine not fix.
Finding Nemo - In the Driveway
Tropical storm running 4 months late, or maybe 3 months early, collides with cold, dry air over Pennsylvania/Kentucky, dumping 3 feet of frozen tropical moisture on climate change skeptic.
Just a Fracking Minute
LONE RANGER: Environmentalists don't want fracking, but business interests do.
TONTO: Money just worthless paper when planet die. No tree to hug. Where Tonto eat granola, Kemo Sabe?
Obama Trumps Trump
President Obama presents Donald Trump birth certificate and DNA sample proving that he is actually President Abraham Lincoln, finally answering any remaining questions about where he got those ears.
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