Showing snippets written by IainB.

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Showing page 2 (of 22 pages)

Privatise the NHS? No thanks.

If they privatise the NHS, they'll want me to pay for A&E. I'm afraid they'll get an IOU.

written by IainB, 12 February 2014

Eric Pickles put in charge of saving London from flooding

Eric Pickles has been charged by the cabinet to protect London from flood water. To this end, he has been hollowed out and will be used as a domed roof for the capital.

written by IainB, 12 February 2014

French taxi driver strike

French taxi drivers have blockaded the roads to protest against higher taxes. "I do not want to modify my taxi in any way," said one taxi driver. But in French.

written by IainB, 13 January 2014

New Scout's Dyslexia Motto

The Scouts have produced a motto specifically for their dyslexic members: Knot tiers of the world untie!

written by IainB, 13 January 2014

Gary Delaney marries Sarah Millican

Stand-up comedians Gary Delaney and Sarah Millican have got married - Gary's marriage vow was a one liner, and Sarah's just went on and on and on and on....

written by IainB, 03 January 2014

Fake Signer at Mandela Memorial

According to security services, the 'fake signer' who appeared at the Nelson Mandela Memorial was identified after he started doing the moves to the Macarana.

written by IainB, 12 December 2013

Mr Universe

For the seventy-fifth year in a row, Mr Universe has been won by a human. "How good are we?" said Arnold Schwarzenegger.

written by IainB, 12 December 2013

Dictionary recall

The Oxford English Dictionary Company are recalling the 2014 edition after it was discovered that the word 'Blame' was missing. "And who's fault is that?" asked Victoria Coren.

written by IainB, 11 December 2013

Wind causes chaos on the M6

An Aldi truck carrying own-brand preserves has been tipped over on the M6 in today's high winds. Onlookers said the jam was awful.

written by IainB, 05 December 2013

The Hulk - Cancelled

NBS has disappointed fans by announcing that the new series of the Hulk has been cancelled, after David Banner received Anger Management Therapy.

written by IainB, 14 November 2013

New Police Kettling Technique

After developing kettling to control unruly crowds, police have now found a way to stop them boiling over into violence: Somebody watches.

written by IainB, 13 November 2013

Department store merger

After the success of the merger of HMV and H&M to make H&MV, two major department stores are to merge and will henceforth be known as Primarks and Spencer.

written by IainB, 08 November 2013

Thefts of hair die

After the discovery of a blonde girl in the Roma camps, Greek police have reported an increase in the shoplifting of black hair dye.

written by IainB, 24 October 2013

Sparks and Mensa to sell a new cocktail

Sparks and Mensa have moved into the alcoholic beverage market with the 'Countdown Cocktail', which is one from the top shelf, and five from any other shelf...

written by IainB, 18 October 2013

New Allergy Recorded

Brian Bramhope, holder of the world's longest sneezing fit record, turns out not to have had a permanent cold, as previously thought, but instead an allergy to tissues. "Who knew?" he said.

written by IainB, 08 October 2013

Cameras will follow David Cameron's family

TV Cameras will follow all the members of David Cameron's family for a reality TV show, with the exception of Samantha Cameron, who will hold the camera, called the SamCamCam.

written by IainB, 02 October 2013

Fred Talbot escapes from prison

Fred Talbot, the disgraced former weather man from This Morning, is being hunted by the police. "We think he's skipped the country," said one police officer.

written by IainB, 02 October 2013

Sheep no longer have to simply baa

Scientists at the Caledonian Institute for Sheep Studies have finally made a sheep tweet. "It turned out it was easy," said Dolly Ovine. "Turns out, you just need to sign them up to Twitter."

written by IainB, 23 September 2013

Life Spoiler

Only read on if you want a spoiler for real life....still here? Okay: Everybody dies.

written by IainB, 15 September 2013

Word equality

From now on, all words are to be treated equally, even those that sound the same with different meanings. "I can't stand homophones," said Rachel Riley from Countdown.

written by IainB, 12 September 2013

Free Drinks in Turkey

Hotels in Turkey near the Syrian border are offering guests free drinks to entice them. "It's a great offer," said one holiday maker. "You can get bombed every night!"

written by IainB, 23 August 2013

Bradley Manning announcement

American traitor who was sentenced to 35 years for leaking classified documents has announced he wants to become a woman. "I didn't expect him to be out so soon," said one prosecutor.

written by IainB, 22 August 2013

Paris Hilton is not a dumb blonde

During a recent book signing in Milton Keynes, Paris Hilton announced that being a dumb blonde was only an act. "You're just not that good an actress," said one member of the audience.

written by IainB, 15 August 2013

Royal Baby Name

William and Kate have announced that their new baby son is to be called Richard Sebastian, or Rich Bastian for short.

written by IainB, 23 July 2013
Showing page 2 (of 22 pages)

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