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Thunderbirds are gone
Gerry Anderson's will has announced that he is to be buried, and the coffin is lowered on visible strings to the tune of the Thunderbirds. "That's proper respectful that is," said the Vicar. RIP Gerry
Cannibalism on the rise in homeless people
It has been discovered that homeless people are eating each other to stay alive. Apparently, they've been eating the drug addicts first. "What can I say," said one. "I like junkie food."
Anti-Bullying week ends unsuccessfully
Mark Smudger admits he was unsuccessful during Anti-Bullying week. "Well, you see," he said, "my uncle wasn't best pleased."
DLT Arrested!
Police have arrested another BBC Radio DJ. It's a Dave Lee Travesty, that's what it is.
Phase shift in art
Will Gompertz, the BBC art guru has seen a change in art. "Once," he said, "people said 'the painting is so good it looks like a photo', now they say 'that photo is so good is looks like a painting'!"
Infinite number of cats writing Shakespeare?
Research has shown that no matter how many cats are given computers, they refuse to write the works of Shakespeare. "They never use the keyboard," said a researcher, "they just play with the mouse."
Racism Row after England Serbia Youth game
Racist tensions have broken out after the Serbia v England youth international football match. Serbia have since admitted that installing Slobodan Miloševic as youth team manager was a mistake.
Best name for a wireless network
The names on WiFi routers can be changed, although most don't bother. During a routine check, police in Poole found an unprotected router the owner claimed had never been hacked, its name? Honey Trap.
Paul Weller turns down Glastonbury
Glastonbury organisers have approached Paul Weller to reform his band for Glastonbury 2013, but he has turned them down. "Glastonbury's okay," said Weller. "But they want Jam on it."
Student argument escalates
Two students have escalated their argument over whose turn it is to wash the dishes into petty and vindictive back biting. "You know students," said their tutor. "They love a free feud."
Cult leader gets four new wives
The leader of a cult in Carmel, America, has brought in four new wives. "It's great," he said. "I've got child bearing hippies."
New location for the Blind Clinic
The Blind Clinic has received a temporary lease to occupy new premises at the hospital grounds, though they must share with the deaf clinic. "You could say it's partially sited," said one doctor.
Government call for a telly ban
With kids watching too much TV, the government have called for the telly ban to be introduced in the UK. "I'm not sure it's a good idea," said Ed Milliband. "Having seen what they did in Afghanistan!"
Ready meal manufacturers change their packaging
Manufacturers of microwavable ready meals are changing the instructions on the packaging after one consumer followed the instruction to pierce the lid, and the earring stud made the microwave explode.
Android Table 16-pack
Android tablets are now available for bulk buy.
"Tablets can now be bought in blister packs of 16," said Anne Droyed of Android App Weekly
New game from Master Bates games
Master Bater games have released their latest family game, Boarddom. "It's very easy to play," said creator, Clive Damnton. "You get tied to a board with a gimp mask on, and left for 12 hours."
Googlemail becomes GMail
With the news the Google's email is become Gmail, industry watchers are wondering what happened to fmail.
New Digital Weather Channel
The Weather Channel are to launch a new TV Channel called The Weather Channel+1 so people can see what the weather was like an hour ago.
Manchester United launch new TV Channel
Manchester United are to launch an additional channel for MUTV for the hard of hearing, called MUTE.
Don't run out of money in your retirement
The NHS has now produced a pill that will prevent people from running out of money after they have retired. "It's 300mg of Arsenic," said a spokesman. "One to be taken on your 65th birthday."
French paparazzi defend taking Kate Topless Photos
The French have defended their photographers after the Kate Topless Photo scandal. "We're a republic, yes?" said photographer Piere Orthere. "We hate royals. Why do you think we killed Diana?"
High Street store to launch a more sexy shop
A popular high street clothes shop is launching a store that sells sexy underwear and toys for the imaginative.
"We're going to call it TK-MaXXX," said a spokesman.
Big Ben to change its tune
After extensive research, it has been shown that the BONG! BONG! BONG! of Big Ben is a secret advert for drug paraphernalia. For this reason, the tone will be changed to say "BOOM! BADA! BING!"
Annie Lennox is related to the Queen
After appearing on the BBC's genealogy program Annie Lennox has discovered she is a third cousin of the Queen. In her honour, the show has been renamed Who Does One Think One Is.
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