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Under new noise abatement laws in the UK, the universe wouldn't exist. "It's that big bang," whispered Simon Lent, head of the UK Noise Abatement Society. "It was too loud, wasn't it?"
Samsung's new Galaxy phone
Samsung have announced that the new Galaxy phone will be called the SV and not the S5 as it looks too much like the SS.
Mika boycotts Russia on his new tour
Mika will not be touring in Russia. "I've heard it's illegal in Russia to promote right gays," he said. "Elton John's not going either."
Might as well use it
The government has decided to make use of the flooding in the Somerset Levels. "We're going to grow rice," said Eric Pickles.
When transgender people have children, they become see-through, or, as it's known in the trade a transparent.
Privatise the NHS? No thanks.
If they privatise the NHS, they'll want me to pay for A&E. I'm afraid they'll get an IOU.
Eric Pickles put in charge of saving London from flooding
Eric Pickles has been charged by the cabinet to protect London from flood water. To this end, he has been hollowed out and will be used as a domed roof for the capital.
French taxi driver strike
French taxi drivers have blockaded the roads to protest against higher taxes. "I do not want to modify my taxi in any way," said one taxi driver. But in French.
New Scout's Dyslexia Motto
The Scouts have produced a motto specifically for their dyslexic members: Knot tiers of the world untie!
Gary Delaney marries Sarah Millican
Stand-up comedians Gary Delaney and Sarah Millican have got married - Gary's marriage vow was a one liner, and Sarah's just went on and on and on and on....
Fake Signer at Mandela Memorial
According to security services, the 'fake signer' who appeared at the Nelson Mandela Memorial was identified after he started doing the moves to the Macarana.
For the seventy-fifth year in a row, Mr Universe has been won by a human. "How good are we?" said Arnold Schwarzenegger.
The Oxford English Dictionary Company are recalling the 2014 edition after it was discovered that the word 'Blame' was missing. "And who's fault is that?" asked Victoria Coren.
Wind causes chaos on the M6
An Aldi truck carrying own-brand preserves has been tipped over on the M6 in today's high winds. Onlookers said the jam was awful.
The Hulk - Cancelled
NBS has disappointed fans by announcing that the new series of the Hulk has been cancelled, after David Banner received Anger Management Therapy.
New Police Kettling Technique
After developing kettling to control unruly crowds, police have now found a way to stop them boiling over into violence: Somebody watches.
Department store merger
After the success of the merger of HMV and H&M to make H&MV, two major department stores are to merge and will henceforth be known as Primarks and Spencer.
Thefts of hair die
After the discovery of a blonde girl in the Roma camps, Greek police have reported an increase in the shoplifting of black hair dye.
Sparks and Mensa to sell a new cocktail
Sparks and Mensa have moved into the alcoholic beverage market with the 'Countdown Cocktail', which is one from the top shelf, and five from any other shelf...
New Allergy Recorded
Brian Bramhope, holder of the world's longest sneezing fit record, turns out not to have had a permanent cold, as previously thought, but instead an allergy to tissues. "Who knew?" he said.
Cameras will follow David Cameron's family
TV Cameras will follow all the members of David Cameron's family for a reality TV show, with the exception of Samantha Cameron, who will hold the camera, called the SamCamCam.
Fred Talbot escapes from prison
Fred Talbot, the disgraced former weather man from This Morning, is being hunted by the police. "We think he's skipped the country," said one police officer.
Sheep no longer have to simply baa
Scientists at the Caledonian Institute for Sheep Studies have finally made a sheep tweet. "It turned out it was easy," said Dolly Ovine. "Turns out, you just need to sign them up to Twitter."
Only read on if you want a spoiler for real life....still here? Okay: Everybody dies.
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