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Map guy changes his name
Top cartographer, Sir Rodlet Swenkleburquer, has officially changed his name to Rod Smith. "It saves time" said the virtually unknown celebrity. Well done Rod but the rest of us couldn't give a hoot.
Elvis impersonator
Elvis Presley's love child, Davis Beauregard II, has appeared in court charged with...impersonating Elvis. Beauregard pleaded not guilty on basis that he looks like his paternal father. Thank ya!!
Man reaches pinnacle
After 15,371 attempts, Fred Boxerhead, of Billericay, has finally climbed to the top of his 2.5 metre oak tree. "He's stoked" said one witness. Fred will next try and conquer his street sign. Gosh!
Accountants take to streets
Hostile forensic accountants have marched on the capital of Latvia, Riga, in a bid to humiliate financial auditors who they accuse of unorthodox work practises."They're pure scum" said one protester.
Zoologists lose good nature
Angry zoologists have taken to the streets of Birmingham to protest at the number of people who incorrectly spell the word "zoologist" in letters and emails. Residents accused them of being pedants.
Napoleon is gone
Napoleon Bonaparte has been expelled from French soil by two infant children holding plastic guns. The "little emperor" became quite fearful and immediately retreated to the safety of his fishing boat
Napoleon is back
Reports just in that none other than French Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte has just landed on french soil seeking his old job back. Le Monde newspaper says he will fight for it any way he can. Shucks!!
Cameron walking for Italy
Prime Minister David Cameron says he will walk between Dorset and Carlisle to raise money to bail out the Italian Government. He'll be joined by Mafia dons, IRA sympathisers and other civic leaders.
Cameron resigning
UK Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced he will resign the premiership effective noon tomorrow. He is retiring to the island of St Helena in the south Atlantic Ocean. He blames horse meat!!
Camels draw a line in the sand
A camel race being held in Timbuktu was delayed all of a sudden when the "ships of the desert" decided that racing on a Wednesday was not on due to it being a "hump" day. What a lot of humpty do.
Dentist completes a good round
A golf loving dentist has surprised everybody by playing a round of his favourite game whilst performing a molar extraction on six patients. He scored no less than 3 holes in one. Who's smiling now!
Charles to fight for Queen & country
Carrying a large cannon, HRH Prince Charles has announced that he's off to the war in Afghanistan in order to "knock off a few sambos". The Crown Prince then jumped on board a steamer and left.
Horse warning offered
New food products being released on the market must now carry a warning: "may contain traces of horse meat". This goes for canned vegetables, ice cream, yoghurt, herbs and spices, even deodorant.
Cameron loses leg
David Cameron, UK Prime Minister, said yesterday that he would give his right leg to have someone paint his fence. Today Cameron's leg was amputated after hundreds volunteered to colour PM's fence.
Cameron fart causes major damage
A sneaky fart by UK Prime Minister David Cameron has reverberated across the entire European continent causing massive damage to buildings and personal injury to residents living within the explosion.
Bardot caught
A fisherman from Bornemouth has landed a big catch today....Brigitte Bardot!! Yes, the famous film star was caught using a three foot rod, reel and lure, amazing his fellow anglers. Good fishing lad.
TUC going all funny
Members of the TUC held their annual meeting recently. It was conducted in the Latin language because "we felt like it okay". One member sang the "Red Flag" in ancient Greek. What the hell is going on
Hereford targeted by cryptos
A sustained invasion of Hereford is being undertaken by Dutch crypto-zoologists in an unexplainable event, the like of which cannot be recalled by local residents. "Can this be the end?" some said.
Engineers on the march
The coastal town of Exeter is being invaded by a huge number of geotechnical engineers in what some are saying is the first wave of an attack by engineers in general. "We're doomed!" cried one local.
Birmingham is overrun
Quantity surveyors from the north of Scotland have invaded Birmingham in massive numbers, their intentions not immediately clear at this stage, though some suggest revenge for Battle of Culloden 1745.
QEII to sing GSQ
Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II is to release a punk recording of God Save the Queen. It will include the line "...she IS a human being", a rejoinder to the Sex Pistols anti monarchy lyric. Bollocks!!
Clinton tells all
In earth shattering news, former US President Bill Clinton has revealed that he used to be a women before realising that he couldn't "perform" with a man, so he changed his gender to win over Hilary.
Man gives his left leg away
A Stoke man has sold his left leg to an Arab oil cartel for 20 billion pounds. "Well, they just wanted, didn't they?" said the owner, Graeme Limbless, "I wasn't going to ask any questions." Righton!
Accountants about to hit London
The general populous of London have been asked to evacuate the city in light of a threatened invasion of chartered accountants from Manchester. "This is serious I'm afraid" said one policeman. Blimey!
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