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Kung Fu Panda?
A drunken Zang Dickhead says he bit Beijing Zoo's Gu-Gu the Panda after it attacked him when he jumped into its enclosure to 'cuddle' the bear. He didn't realise panda's are nasty, vicious twats.
Numpty Bush plans blood n guts vacation
Outgoing President Dubya Shrub told the press he plans a chill out vacation at his regular Texas psychiatric unit sticking cherry bombs up frog's asses and shootin' critters to see how much they bleed
Winnie the Pooh Comeback
AA Milne's Bear of Very Little Brain makes a literary return and shall stand equally alongside a variety of other characters of Very Little Brain on leading bookstore's Celebrity biography shelves.
UK Slump gets Worse
The UK economy shrank by 1.5% last week making it even smaller than a shrew's penis. Financial wizards say the current slump is the worst to hit Britain since the last slump.
Royal Cuckoo : Faux Pas # 2728
Ginger Minga Prince Harry, out in his best Sturmbanfuhrer dress uniform, screws up yet again with another of his less than diplomatic comments when he calls a Spade a Spade, even if it was a Shovel.
Dr. Who show gets new Time Lady
Theatrical arbitrators 'Toss-up' have solved the BBC's gender dilemma in selecting a new Dr. Who by signing up transvestite actor Darlston 'call me Mary' Pickles to play the new Time Lady.
Tintin reaches 80!
To celebrate his 80th birthday, intrepid boy hero Tintin and his canine buddy Snowy are off to the barbers: Snowy for a poodle trim and Tintin to get that puffy Belgian quiff sorted.
Another 'Brazilian' goes wrong ?
A man is reported to have been "injured" at a house in Huddersfield, West Yorkshire after police "shot" him several times ! Que?
Wrong body-wrong grave
Funeral company Fuckups-R-Us has apologised to two Merseyside families after burying the wrong bodies in the wrong coffins and in the wrong graves. The bodies were later illegally exhumed and swapped.
Are hospitals safe?
Colombian head of the Caqueta drug cartel Leo Vargas, being treated for lung disease in a Spanish hospital, was shot while asleep. He is now being treated for gunshot wounds in the hospital's mortuary
The ring - and the kidney, please.
A man divorcing his wife in the US demands she return the kidney he donated to her or pay $1.5m compensation.
He told the court "I gave her my heart and she broke it
so I want my kidney back."
Egyptian farmers with lands bordering the Gaza Strip have complained that the Israeli conflict is disrupting their smuggling businesses due Israeli bombs and missiles damaging their tunnel networks.
Al-Qaeda terrorists Usama al-Kini and Ahmed Swedan reportedly killed by a missile fired from a US drone near the Afghan border, phoned the BBC to complain their obituary photos are years out of date.
Three Canadians claiming a new 34 day record for the fastest trek across Antarctica to the South Pole have been classed a wimps as they did it in the continent's mid-summer period
BBC plans for their new Dr. Who to be a female suffered a setback yesterday when it was discovered that number one choice Jade Goody has a snatch that's actually bigger than the inside of the Tardis.
Puss in Boots?
Celebrity fashion designer Jimmy Choo-Choo comes under fire from feminists for his new line of men's footwear made from the vulvas of female African sloths: They fit like a glove and never wear out.
Kiev : minus 7 Celsius
Russia revises its 'Hell can freeze over' stance towards supplying gas to the Ukraine after Kiev froze over. It now states it can get a lot colder or Kiev pays its outstanding mega-bucks gas bill.
Bank of Sockland
As the Bank of England cuts public banking interest rates to the lowest point in its 315 year history, people are withdrawing their savings and keeping them under the bed in a sock where they're safe.
Ice Age kicks in?
The current January deep freeze has got Global Warming nuts squawking like there's no tomorrow. They now claim our atmospheric CO2 discharge cutbacks have gone too far and kicked off another Ice Age.
That magic ingredient?
A man sat in a car in a Newcastle, NSW lay-by was approached by police and caught masturbating with his erect member stuck into a jar of spaghetti sauce. So that's the secret Italian ingredient. Ugh!
If the Bank Of England has cut interest rates to 1.5% why are credit card companies still charging us 26% interest on our monthly billings?
Global Warming Licked?
January's cold snap in the UK, with water pipes iced up and pensioners frozen to their armchairs, has proved a boon for the Greenhouse Effect Doomsayers who now state we've beaten Global Warming.
Housing Prices Crash
Property agents around London are reporting that two-bedroom cardboard boxes under Blackfriars Bridge (a sought-after accommodation area) are now going for as little as £280,000.
Upon hearing the urban myth anecdote that the size of a woman's mouth indicates of the size of her vagina, Cherie Bair and Donatella Versace have booked into a Swiss clinic for genital restructuring
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