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Lady Accuses Pillsbury Doughboy of Rape
The giggly little guy is no longer laughing now that fingers are pointing accusatorily rather than tickling. In addition to rape the lady also claims his erection gave her a yeast infection.
Woman Gives Birth On International Date Line
A woman on a flight from Seattle to Tokyo gave birth to twins. One was born just east of the date line, the second just west - Resulting in the second child's birth the day before the first child's.
Fetus Impregnates Mom With His Own Twin
In the new record for pre-mature ejaculation, a zygote came and inadvertently impregnated his mother with a baby only days younger than himself. Authorities plan to try him as a minor once he's born.
New Sequel To the Men Are From Mars Series
For pre-pubescents who are just learning about sex and body differences comes a brand new pop-up book, "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Women Have Vaginas And Men Have A Penis."
World's Most Effective Diet Plan
Eat all you want of whatever you want, whenever you want it - and still lose weight! All you have to do is eat it while watching obese elderly women doing jumping jacks in the nude.
A.A. Milne and Ang Lee Collaborate on Martial Arts Film
Crouching Tigger, Hidden Pooh will be released this summer in movie theaters worldwide. Yun-Fat Chow plays Pooh, Jackie Chan is Tigger and Jet Li plays Rabbit in this classic martial arts adventure.
Al-Quida Takes Over FOX Television Network
In a very hostile takeover, Al-Quida has taken over the major network. Some classic programs to show will be "My Three Guns", "I Dream of Jihad" and the popular soap "Allah My Children"
Sacramento California Has New Tourism Campaign
In order to capitalize on both their extensive sports activities and indiginous gay community, Sacramento released their new ad campaign "Sacramento - Where Men Are Men, And So Are Half The Women!"
Fozzi Bear Sues Shakira For Stealing Lyrics
Fozzi Bear, mediocre comedian from the Muppet Show and pooper in the woods, is suing bodacious babe Shakira over her supposed use of his trademark line "Waka Waka" in her hit single of that name.
Nebraska To Quit Playing Football
After getting their asses kicked by real teams in the Big 12, Nebraska fled to a wimpy conference only to get pounded again. "We want our mommies!" many Cornholers were crying from the locker rooms.
In Search Of Returns To Television
The 1970's T.V. show, In Search Of, hosted by Leonard Nemoy, will return to the air this Fall. The first episode will focus on finding Bigfoot and a viable Republican Presidential Candidate.
Subliminal Language CDs Recalled
Sabe a Sueno, the learn Spanish while you sleep CD, is being recalled. Manufacturing defects have left scratches on the CDs that have resulted in many folks only learning how to stutter in Spanish.
Viagra Ad Gets In Trouble With The Church
The makers of Viagra have offended the church. In a recent advertisement, a Viagra spokesman, dressed as Jesus proclaimed "With a four hour erection, you may achieve your second cuming before I do."
Indian Tribal Names To Be Researched
Anthropologists are currently undertaking a study to determine the origins of the names of various Native American tribes. Of greatest interest to some is the naming of the Kickapoo.
Easter Bunny Visits Libyan War Zone
Here comes Peter Cottontail,
Hoppin' through the mine field.
Hippety, hoppety, BOOM!
....Easter may be delayed.
Popular Dance Craze Sweeps West Virginia
The Hock-a-Loogie Boogie becomes a hit among the hillbillies! Snort back some phlegm and spit it from between your few teeth, into the face of someone who's slept with your sister (besides yourself).
Little Orphan Annie Sued Over Bad Financial Advice
A Class action suit is being made against the inept orphan who stated, "Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun." Many following this advice awoke to rain, snow, or sleet instead of sun.
Startling Statistics About American Medical Industry
In a recent study, it was determined that 50% of all doctors in the United States graduated in the lower half of their graduating class.
Texans Forget The Alamo
"We were so busy with everything else in our lives, it simply slipped our minds," one local noted. The error was discovered by tourists encountering a Walgreens where the historic landmark had been.
Procrastinators Anonymous Meeting To Be Held
Procrastinators Anonymous will be rescheduling the meeting that was post-poned from last month to sometime in the near future at a place and time that are yet to be determined.
Woman And Three Fishermen Found
An attractive woman who went to sea for a week in a boat with three fishermen, came home with one red snapper.
New Marketing Campaign For Proctologists
To promote healthy colon/rectal health, the Association for Proctology announced it's new ad campaign: "You may try to avoid your proctologist, but he'll get you in the end!"
International Conference For Doctors Of Urology
International Urology Association conference July 12 in China along the banks of the Yellow River. Renowned urologist I.P. Freeley will present the key speech "Learnig to go with the flow."
Trojan Condoms Announces New Marketing Slogan
Trojan, the world's leading condom company, announced their new marketing slogan today. "Trojan condoms, for today's up and cumer."
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