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Bush Lost Nuclear Codes
War with China? Lucky it did not happen, as President Bush's briefcase with nuclear missile launch codes had been missing for several days. The White House was in turmoil with every square inch inspected. It was finally found in a fridge, with his lunch inside.
McCain: "Why No Press On Me?"
As Obama and Hillary garner the spotlight, daily trading insults, McCain is moaning about lack of press coverage on his campaign. But, as one major newspaper editor wrote, "Following McCain's campaign and personality remind me of my housebound grandpa's babbling drivel."
Black Reverend Al Sharpton Wants Cabinet Post
Once riotmaster, the 53-year old reverend of Brooklyn wants it! Referred to as an 'antisemitic racist' and 'racial arsonist,' the radio guy and activist itches to be Secretary of State, "like Condi, under a Demo or Republican Pres. Al's got it all bro' and learnt from my passed stupidirty."
Shrink Reveals Obama May Pull Out
In a leaked discussion, Obama's psychiatrist reveals that arrows being shot into Obama have caused bad wounds. He's depressed over his heritage, elitism, bitterness, religion, guns, small towns, debate formats, and wife, Michelle's, cursing, off camera.
Hillary Brazenly Chooses Her Cabinet!
After a Pittsburgh luncheon attended by her key supporters, Ms. Clinton revealed her cabinet choices to a select few. 4 supporters, sworn to secrecy, viewed the list. Obama, quick to respond, said, "Yeah, I bet she has Little Richard designated as Secretary of Non Elitists!"
CIA: Olympians Threatened by Radiation at Beijing
China = lead, reacted lead and toxic. Lead metal blocks radioactivity. CIA: The Chinese will use radioactive bombardment...not for the Chinese. Result: lowest scores ever for athletes (wearing heavy lead shields!). The Chinese will sweep all Gold, Silver, and Bronze medals.
Obama Now Claims He's Elitist
After earning $4.2 million in 2007, $3.9 million alone from sale of two Obama books, the lead Demo candidate now proudly claims elitism. "Hey, I earned some big bucks and I made the 'club.' Tough, if you didn't bro! Write your own book...sure...like it's going to sell!"
"Elitist" Causes Donation of Dictionaries To Big 3
The Scrabble game people have donated 'The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, 4th ed., to Obama, Hillary, and McCain. "We reject a candidate, who doesn't understand the words elitist, racist, black, white, delegate, convention, election, and constitution."
Pope Decides to Cut U.S. Visit Short!
Pope Benedict XVI arrived in the US to meet with GW Bush. After 30 minutes, however, an advisor said, "We must leave Holy Pontiff. Gas for Popemobile and Blessed, Bacteria-Free Holy Water priced too high!"
Great Divide Argument Rages in Cleavage Wars
There are designers who like more cleavage and those who would rather use super glue to bridge the gap. Bruce Lady of 'Bra Business America,' said, "Mammaries still want to breathe, you know, and, American men just froth over the split! Any questions?"
Wacko's Vote Is Like Chocolate Milk
Fighting the white and black battle within, always-freakish Michael Jackson told a 5-year old buddy, "Mikey is confused about voting. I like milk and I like chocolate, but I can't mix them in this case. I've got it! Everybody thinks I'm now white, so, Hillary gets my vote!"
Obama Nearly Chokes on Philly Cheesesteak Sandwich
Proving he's not an elitist per volatile opponent, like Clinton, Obama mingled with a few Philly locals. Chewing away at a regional cheesesteak delicacy, Obama suddenly started gagging and was Heimliched. Said Barack..."lucky that the Clinton witch wasn't here to save me! Sure!"
McCain Returning to His John "McNasty" Days
His team calls him Miss McCain, half-assed, old man, and 'the wimp'. So McCain's campaign manager wants him to start showing his teeth and biting the Dems! So, it's back to private boarding school days, where he was nicknamed "McNasty" for his willingness to fight.
If McCain Wins Presidency, His Arms Will Be Raised!
War injuries mean the Republican candidate, John McCain, is unable to lift his arms over his head. So, Give Me A High Five Prosthetics of Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, have fashioned an optical illusion to show his arms lifted over his head. It's called, 'Above McCain's Brain.'
Hillary Desperate: Reads Hitler's 'Mein Kampf'
Unknown to the American public, Hillary has been growing cojones (balls) to better fight Obama. She's been reading Hitler's, 'Mein Kampf', to build internal power. Her only problem has been keeping from raising her arm in a mock command of U.S. citizens.
Russia's Aeroflot and Chechen Air To Merge
The spreading mergermania of airlines in the U.S. has hit Europe. Fierce "adversaries," Russia and failed breakaway Chechnya will merge Aeroflot and Chechen Air. Said Ramzan Kadyrov, Chechen President, "Watch, we blowing up many Aeroflot planes!"
China's Execution of 470 in 2007 Terrifies its Olympians
China still leads in executions. Firing squad or lethal injection applies to crimes as non violent as tax evasion, corruption, and racketeering. Now, the government has voted that non-medalists are subject to it. Everywhere signs read: "WWMD," (What Would Mao Do?)
Father of Male Teen Brings Charges Against Female Teacher!
In all high school teacher-teen boy sex romps, it is always the mother as accuser. Never would a normal father refuse his son this experience. But in NYC. Jim Zingermann reported a back-seater between son, Walt, and his math teacher. The father is now undergoing counseling!
McCain Declares Loss of 5 Navy Jets "None of Your Business!"
Despite losing 5 U.S. Navy jets in his military career, the presumptive Republican Presidential candidate defends his actions. "These planes were just crap, except for the one the Nam's shot down. Man, those suckers really knew how to torture a guy!"
Orthodox Jewish Athletes from Israel Will Boycott Beijing
Meyer Schlegel of the Ultra-Ortho Athletes, Israel is preventing his 8 athletes from competing in the Olympics. The Chinese, via Cook No. 37, said, "No ortodox cooking for Islael. We not resrant! Cannah get kosher food and bling in. Tough ruck Charrie!"
A Lost Tribe of Israel Discovered in Joplin, Missouri, USA?
Middle East scholars have been lead to scientist, Dr. Stanley Frankosky of Joplin, who claims that he is a member of Judah, one of the 10 Lost Tribes of Israel. He claims a series of unique body marks is proof. Testing is underway.
Special Signage for Olympics Toilets
Language barriers are a problem at any Olympics. So, on the men's and women's rooms stick figures urinating and defecating will make the situation clear for all. Said Toilet Official No. 2, "We pran good! And, I not kid you, Angro!"
Aussies Fighting Beijing Over Great White Shark Display
The Australian Olympic Committee is planning to show a live 18ft long Great White at the Summer Olympics. Beijing Official No. 6 said, "If show any shark, we take and make soup for Official No. 1!" The Aussies are now threatening a boycott.
Monica Lewinsky Predicts Obama Will Take White House
Recently interviewed on the set of "Swallowtail - My Story," Lewinsky's biopic, she opined, "The Dems will win and it will be Barack, baby! Never Hillary she took 'Billy Boy' away from me. Besides, you know what they say about Afro guys! Obama's already told me, 'My hut is your hut!'"
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