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Tourettes to be new Olympic discipline
Tourettes Syndrome has been added to the roster of Decathalon events for athletes competing in the 2012 olympics. Competitors will have to swear at crowds along the routes of a 10,000 metre run.
Barack Obama to be new presenter of 'Runaround'
President Barack Obama will front a new version of the 70s childrens' quiz show 'Runaround', following in the footsteps of Mike Reid, Bill Oddie and poet Seamus Heaney.
MPs 'smell of piss'
A study carried out by scientists at Oxford University have proved conclusively that 94% of MPs 'smell of piss' or other urine-derived products.
'Strictly Dog Fighting' starts tonight on BBC1
Celebrities work with professional dog fighters in savage 10 minute fights with other celebrities. Susan Boyle and her alsatian Floppy fight Katie Price and her handler Keith Chegwin.
Iran has hidden 'Iran'
Iran admitted today that they have been hiding part of 'Iran' inside a mountain against the wishes of the UN.
William Burroughs wins 'Britain's Got Talent'
William Burroughs, the dead Beat author of such seminal works as 'The Naked Lunch', celebrated winning the final of 'Britain's Got Talent' with his rendition of 'MMMBop' by Hanson.
Volcanoes erupt in violence
Dormant volcanoes in Peckham have taken part in running battles in the streets of South London, as gangs clashed last night. 'There was magma everywhere' said Etna, 15.
Max Mosley sues M+S; admits dyslexia
Max Mosley has unsuccessfully sued Marks and Spencers for suggesting he took part in M+S shopping sprees at several of their branches.
Sex with dogs 'is like sex with dogs'
A new scientific study has concluded that the nearest experience to having sex with a dog is 'having sex with a dog'.
Horse wins Derby
A horse has won the town of Derby in a race. It intends to demolish all buildings apart from stables. Glue factories will remain open. 'We're stuck with them, unfortunately,' said the horse.
"You think you gotta keep me iced: you don't"
You think I'm gonna spend your cash: I won't. Even if you were broke, my love don't cost a thing. Think I wanna drive your Benz: I don't. If I wanna floss, I got my own. Even if you were broke, my love don't cost a thing.
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Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus. Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus. Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus.
Lorries 'driven by lorry drivers'
Congestion caused by poor driving and accidents, a report suggests, could be caused by the fact that lorries are driven by lorry drivers, notorious for their aggression, boorishness and lack of intelligence. Poets, due to their intellect and temperament, would make ideal replacements.
Burma: was Burma involved?
The UN is investigating the possibility that Burma's reluctance to help its own people as a result of Cyclone Nargis could be linked to Burma's reluctance to help its own people as a result of Cyclone Nargis.
Letters 'form words'
Scientists working at Harvard University have, for the first time, identified the building blocks of words. 'Letters', as the scientists have termed them, link together to form patterns. Some of these letters are only 2mm high and can only be seen by nearly everyone.
Teeth 'prefer gums'
A new survey revealed today that, given a choice, teeth would prefer to reside in gums rather than anywhere else in the human body. Of the 13,000 teeth questioned, over 70% indicated gums, 26% wanted anywhere in the head region, while a small proportion suggested the genital area.
Putting clocks forward 'throws world off axis'
Data suggests that the collective act of moving clocks forward one hour last weekend may have moved the earth away from its axis. Or it may not.
Rastas develop new i and iPhone
A new phone that allows the caller to speak directly to Jah Rastafari has been launched today. The i and iPhone has a camera, internet access and ting.
Charlton Heston New Town shuts for good
The Buckinghamshire new town of Charlton Heston was officially abandoned yesterday and will be destroyed next week. The town, famous in the 60s and 70s, was a bold experiment in method planning but had little impact in the last decade.
Olympic Torch grab: McCanns questioned
The Olympic Torch was almost abducted yesterday while being cradled in the arms of former Blue Peter star Konnie Huq. The McCanns were briefly questioned but released without libel charges.
Shannon mother arrested on suspicion of being working class
The mother of Shannon Matthews has been arrested for being working class, police revealed today. It is alleged that she not only had cable TV by more than one provider but that she had 'perverted the course of language'.
British schoolchildren to 'pledge allegiance to a queen'
A new proposal by the Lord Chancellor would have schoolchildren pledging their allegiance to a queen, it emerged today. High-profile candidates include Sir Ian McKellan, Rupert Everett and the actor, Alan Cumming.
Cheese and onion crisps 'addictive like crack'
A new study suggests that the humble cheese and onion crisp has the same addictive qualities as crack but is 100 times cheaper. The results may point to a new strategy to help crack addicts to beat their addiction.
Smoking ban 'has limited effect on parking'
The government's smoking ban in public places has had little effect on the parking problem in Britain's big cities, a new study has confirmed.
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