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Three Quarters of British Children Cannot Boil an Egg
Researchers say that three quarters of British children cannot boil an egg. Ironically, 95% of British MPs do not know how to boil an egg either; even though they have all claimed for egg cups.
According to a survey in Glamour magazine, 80% of women say have been 'creeped' out at work when an older man tried to have sex with them. The other 20% got promotions.
BNP to Adopt 'White Bull' As Emblem!
Because the bull in the Cravendale milk advertisements were not deemed to be racist, the BNP have decided to adopt the 'white bull' as its emblem in the forthcoming elections.
'Haunted' Hotel Room Catches Fire - Again!
A room at a 17th-century hotel caught fire today. It is believed to be haunted by a former landlady who died in a blaze 300 years ago. Firemen say that the ghost must have sat on a lighted candle.
The Egyptians claim that Nefertiti's bust is a fake!
A row has broken out between Germany and Egypt. The Germans say that Queen Nefertiti had a 44 inch chest, Egypt refutes any these claims by saying there were no such thing as implants in those days.
House made of shells in Harry Potter film must be demolished
A house made completely from shells, to feature in the new Harry Potter film must be demolished for it was not built with planning permission, according to Pembroke District Council.
Sir Ridley Scott fined for paying below minimum wage
Film director, Sir Ridley Scott, has been fined for paying the soldiers in the new Robin Hood film, below the minimum wage. He only paid them 2 shillings each (which was a lot of money in those days).
MPs in nappies?
The public wait with bated breath. Who are the MPs rumoured to have claimed for nappies (diapers) on their expenses. The electorate want to know if they were for personal use?
Leaked: David Cameron's latest the expense claim
It is rumoured that Conservative leader, David Cameron, has put in an expense claim for bicycle padlock - only yesterday! He does not even have a bike.
New figurehead to watch over M62
A 20m face has appeared over the place M62 at Manchester. The sculpture is called "The Dream". Meanwhile, a giant fountain has been revealed at a Milton Keynes roundabout called "The Wet Dream".
New swimming teacher appointed
The Nether Regional Girls School, Upper 6th swimming team has appointed a new teacher who knows everything about everyone. Her name is Claire Buoyant.
Britain's smallest dog receives fine
Tilly, a 'chorky' (which is a cross between a Chihuahaua and Yorkshire terrier) may only be six inches high, but he has already fallen foul of the law when he was caught pissing up a matchstick.
American economy worsens!
The American economy is getting worse day by day. It is noticeable that the Native American Indians are changing their casinos back into reservations.
Lesbian ants inhabit Amazon
Scientists have discovered a species of ant that inhabits the Amazon. It does not have the sex to reproduce but relies on cloning the Queen. Isn't life strange?
Street renamed during economic downturn
The economy is so bad Wall Street had to sell advertising rights to its street name.
It's now Wal-Mart Street.
'Speedophile' caught in Norway
A man from Norway was caught driving erratically on a motorway while having sex. "I was just in my girlfriend's vulva when all of a sudden the police came across me!" He said today.
Gordon Brown smears smears
A bloke in the club told me that, Gordon Brown, is to write to lots of MPs about their smear tests was something like that!
"I can eat pizza again after 10 years"
Ellie Banks, who suffered acid reflux, had to give up spicy food for 10 years to stop the ailment worsening. Now she can once again enjoy eating the same pizza. It is a bit cold by now!
The cooker to save trees
An apparently eco-friendly solar cooker has been developed in Kenya. In a bid to to save trees, the "Kyoto box" is made of cardboard. Millions of trees will be cut down to make the cardboard!
Children ill after chlorine leak
About 40 people, mainly children, have been affected by a suspected chlorine leak at a Black Country swimming pool. We're sorry, that was a typo - we really meant URINE!
History is to be taught in new curriculum
History teachers in Britain are delighted because history is to be taught in the new curriculum. This means that at least their jobs are safe!
Boris Johnson arrested.
London Mayor, Boris Johnson, has admitted on the Andrew Marr show that he was once arrested for impersonating an MP.
Coming to a chemists near you!
A new spray has been developed by urologists to enable men to last up to six times longer when making love. That will be a whole 30 seconds then!
Scientists create robot
Scientists have created an ideal colleague - a robot that performs hundreds of repetitive experiments. However, God has beaten them to it - he calls it a MAN!
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