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The Romans Knew How To Build A Patio
More Highlights From The Cretin Channel:
20:00 Heston's Mirror
Heston Blumenthal makes toadspawn toffee and carp and mandarin jelly for Giles Coren in front of his ego-magnifying mirror.
Harry Redknapp Is The New Harry Redknapp
In essence, Bilberry's girl has grown up for summer. It's all about the Tilly-Front frotted trenches and the Gotterdammerung hemlines. Sporty-but-gothic pixie-hoods and denim knee-masks are so Bilberry!
Ear Muffs Are The New Harry Redknapp
Put the Vatican Cardinal in a muslin bag and soak in brine overnight. Shave your Deacon and pop him into a large pan of boiling salted water. Bring back to the boil and simmer for 35 minutes. Chop
Monet Designed Coracles In His Spare Time
Jehova's Witnesses? The front of my house is a replica of HMS Victory's port-side battery with 50 guns. A ripple broadside from that lot soon puts them to flight.
Luxembourg Is Inspiration For British Navy Plans
A hollow Straw Effigy of George Osborne, stolen from Bishops Stortford taxidermist Ken Faggott, has been discovered in The House Of Commons.
Free Tarot Readings This Easter
Tired of Jehova's Witnesses? I find a phalanx of Ancient Greek Hoplite Spearmen quickly dispels their attacks. The main cost is in provisions, though the Greeks do like plain food.
Parrots Hold Key To Economic Recovery
George Osborne In A Bottle, £5 ONO. Left & Right Eric Pickles Whoopee Cushions, £3.50 the pair. Ann Widdecombe-In-A-Box, 85p.
Tim Burton's New Movie Stars Tim Burton As Tim Burton
Tim Burton's new movie version of The Turn Of The Screw stars Peter Quint as Miss Jessel as Miles as Flora as The Governess as Mrs Grose as Tim Burton.
Morocco Leather Makes The Best Pyjamas
Another lover of straw is popular singer Matt Cardle. "My ambition is to do a whole album about straw", claimed Matt, yesterday; "but for now I am sticking to songs about shite."
Straw Brings Fresh Hope To Lithuania
When cooking with straw, it is important not to neglect your sauces, particularly where meat from the freshwater seals of Lake Baikal is concerned, if you want to avoid over-strawing the pudding.
Yeast Is The New Cube Geometry
"We only have straw crockery", says Boris Johnson. "It was the Etruscan way, and that suits me. I also have a statuette of the Etruscan god Fufluns in my wine-cellar, so it's not all about straw."
Hydrogen Brings Hope To Vatican
"Traditionally-woven straw bee skeps are my passion", says Sally Bercow. "I have one in every room, and two in the lounge. My husband hates them, but I'm bigger than he is."
David Cameron On Straw
"I've always been fascinated by straw. When I was a child, my mother made all my trousers and waistcoats out of the stuff. It was pretty itchy, but I was hugely popular with the beasts of the meadow!"
Tim Burton's New Movie Stars Johnny Depp
Tim Burton's new movie version of The Importance of Being Earnest stars Lady Bracknell as Johnny Depp as Helena Bonham Carter as Tim Burton.
O Munificent Engine!
Reversible Jedward Jigsaw for sale. Also part-worn Horatio Nelson Hot Water Bottle. Set of Delft Cuspidors, complete with "Turnip" Townshend's tobacco-mucus, £10 the lot.
Restaurant Review, with Fatima Leech
I had the pan-seared lungfish with bindweed parcels and a wormwood and cucumber coulis, while Dominic tried sea lamprey boiled alive in mole's bile served in a puddle of hare's-blood. The ambulance
Tulle Is The New Peregrine Worsthorne
The work of Giles Fromage gives prominence to floutes and feathered mabottes. The clinched prouffe, however, is the trademark of Jacques Mangetout, who studied under Gino Lanzarotti.
Eigenvectors Are The New Tuesday
Among the current projects of Dorking inventor Gideon Bable are a Linseed Baffle, a Clockwork Vicar-Scarer, Odourless Dung, an Anti-Mulatto Bezel and a Disposable Swing-Bin.
Limerick-King Edward Lear "Wrote For Money" Claims Hessian-Underwear Heiress
Sheer size is the main stumbling block for anyone looking to erect a full-size replica of The Pyramid of Cheops in their front-garden. It's the main reason why there are so few of these around.
"Tim Rice Ate My Brushes" Claims Dorking Chimney-Sweep
Popular mountebank Tim Rice, currently working on a musical about the secret romance between Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha and The Duke of Wellington, enjoys masturbating too.
Basking Shark Discovered In Eric Pickles
"I always rub Atkinson's Liniment behind my ears", says Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha. "I died in 1851, but it still keeps the pustules down!"
Harry Potter "Better Than Shakespeare" Claims Idiot
Cancerian gooseherds may struggle to earn a living these days. The same goes for Capricorn pargeters, while Aquarian eohippus-breeders were always going to be up against it.
See Nyasaland In The Fall!
Dorking bachelor Dick Palmer was unable to find a wife so he made his own out of recycled Ombudsman parts. "She's environmentally-friendly and will help me complain about the potholes" he claims.
Emmeline Pankhurst's Cummerbund Obsession Is "Urban Myth"
Jehova's Witnesses a nuisance? Why not leave a week-old corpse on your doorstep? It works with unwanted relatives too, but you must have a good story for the Police.
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