Showing breaking news satire snippets written by Erskin Quint.Show all snippets.
Embalmed Vicar Stars in New Reality Show
The Two David Livingstones have made significant additions to their kitchen. "We got a spatula, a bread board and a new set of trivets yesterday!" yelled David Livingstone, yesterday.
Colon Surgery is the New Thursday
The papier-mache bust of Hereward The Wake crisis continues at Chichester pub The Running Sore. "It's costing us a fortune", claims landlord Colin Drab. "There's busts in all the rooms and even the urinals are full of them."
"Harry Potter is Bunk", Claims Ipswich Egg-Grader
More papier-mache busts of Hereward The Wake have appeared at Chichester pub The Running Sore. "We've had to cancel the Sunday Carvery - the dining room's full of these damned busts" says landlord Colin Drab."
Embalmed Umpire Scandal Threatens Wimbledon
"Prince Charles is a decent bloke, really", claimed Buckingham Palace flunkey Raymond Parasite yesterday. "I just wish he wouldn't keep eels in the bath."
Charlemagne Was My Darling
Ely milkman Nicodemus Palge is selling his entire collection of Hittite Laundry Scrapers. "I need the room. Besides, they frighten the budgie", he explained, yesterday.
Socrates Lookalike Calls It A Day
"Mice turn me all queer", said Genghis Khan, yesterday. "It's their little stringy tails. I have to get up on my wife's shoulders if I see one in our yurt of an evening."
Eric Pickles Launches Speak Your Weight Machine Range
Cretin Channel Highlights:
20:00 Celebrity Jerk-Off - Can Will.i.am out-jism Ed Sheeran?
21:00 Hilda Goes In - Hilda the Undercover Hippo probes the Wakefield Pantomime Horse Racing Scam.
Walrus Interrupts Daniel O'Donnell Concert
The imaginary wife of Dorking Batchelor Dick Palmer is no trouble at all, he claimed yesterday. "You wouldn't know she was there", he said.
Peter The Great Slept In Fish Tank Claims Alloa Athlete
Among the books bequeathed to the nation by late travel-writer Sidney Yardbrushe are Up the Zambezi In a Coracle, Through Northern China on a Penny Farthing and Alone Among the Kalahari Hermits.
Nude Postman Scandal Rocks Vatican
"Wombats drive me crazy, man", says Alfred, Lord Tennyson. "A wombat is one crazy marsupial. Those cats are really gone."
Centaur Infestation Threatens Littlehampton
A sepia photograph of James Clerk Maxwell playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier has gone missing from Queen Nefertiti's umbrella stand.
Performing Crocodile Wedged In Bishop's Mitre
The Two David Livingstones aren't quite set in their new first-floor flat at Bosham. "We're still deciding on the best place to put our papier-mache bust of Hereward The Wake", they said yesterday.
Peebles Traffic Warden Killed By Falling Capybara
"I have no time for flat fish, such as plaice, skate or dabs", says Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil. "You can't get your hands round their throats. The flat bastards."
Camel Stops Traffic In Salisbury
More papier-mâché busts of Hereward The Wake have appeared, this time at Chichester Opticians I. Glazer & Son. "Our customers are tripping over all these busts", said Ian Glazer yesterday.
Coracle Shortage Threatens Welsh Navy Bid
Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil once tried to throttle a pygmy. "It was on a cheap last-minute holiday in Botswana", she said yesterday. "I was drunk and he got away."
Larry Grayson "Offered Cabinet Post By Thatcher" Claims Deal Whelkstall Attendant
"The Duke of Edinburgh ain't too bad", says Buckingham Palace lickspittle Terence Arselicker, "once you've got used to cleaning up the vomit and burying the half-eaten voles."
Jeremy Corbin Even More Unpopular Than Jeremy Corbin
His Holiness The Pope Talks About Admin Work:
"Office work? I should coco. Oy vey! All that schmutter. What are Cardinals for? Do I keep a dog and bark myself?"
"Hermitian Operators Ruined My Life" Claims Eastenders Star
"I hate them daddy long-legs things, they give me the creeps", says Genghis Khan. "Folk'll not believe that of a man like me, but I do have depths like everyone else."
Tim Rice's Nude Unicycle Horror
Devon watering-can repairer Adelbert Lossiemouth claims to be the author of Dante's Inferno. "He wrote it all down, fair enough", he said, yesterday, "but only after I gave him the basic idea."
Piers Morgan's Owl Hell
Dorking inventor Gideon Bable has come up with a mouse trap that can make tea. "Once I can get it to catch mice as well", he said yesterday, "I'm certain it will be a real success."
Lulu Gives Birth To Wooden Baby
Gideon Bable, Dorking inventor, has come up with a clockwork kettle that can tell the time. "When I manage to get it to boil water as well", he said yesterday, "it will be a real winner."
Eating Boiled Mice Cured My Shyness Claims Glen Hoddle
"The Duke of Edinburgh is all right", claims Buckingham Palace flunkey Raymond Parasite, "but he does leave his shrunken heads all over the place. And he's always quoting the Venerable Bede."
Mary Berry's Top Hat Fetish
More of Ghengis Khan's Phobias
"I can't abide spiders in me yurt of a night, me", claimed Ghengis Khan yesterday. "I know it's hard to believe of a man like me, but we've all got hidden depths."
Albuquerque Nun's Croquet Hoop Hoard Unearthed
More papier-mache busts of Hereward The Wake have appeared at Chichester pub The Running Sore. "We've had to cordon off the Snug Bar - it's full of these damned busts now", said landlord Colin Drab."