Showing snippets written by Erskin Quint.
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Owls Nesting In Archbishop
Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil has little time for cod. "Their necks are too thick", she moaned yesterday. "You can't get your hands round them."
Cold Calling "Is Entrepreneuring At Its Best" Claims Con-Man
What's Happening In Towcester
The Roman Doorways exhibition at Sponne School has a fascinating display of wood and leather escutcheons! Catch the display of Victorian Milk Jugs at Towcester Museum while you can!
Eigenstates Are The New Soap Operas
A transparent statue of Cardinal Wolsey commissioned by Abelard Siskin, Mayor of Canterford, is not an eye-sore, the Mayor claimed yesterday. "You wouldn't know it was there", he told reporters.
I Used To Supply Idi Amin With Wensleydale Rams
The Two David Livingstones have moved again, to a semi in Lewes. "We'll be happier here", said the second Livingstone yesterday. "There's a road called Stanley Street nearby. Perfect."
Dale Winton Drank From My Grandmother's Breasts
Troubled by Jehova's Witnesses? Hang a week-old mutilated corpse from the apple tree in your garden. They'll not come near. No apple tree? Just leave the corpse slumped by the front door.
Coelacanths Are The New Hector Heathcoat
"James Corden is an irritating fatuous gobshite", says Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha. "I died in 1851, but it's obvious to me. So what's wrong with the Americans? Hang on..."
Fake Napoleon Scourge Threatens Isle of Wight
House & Home
with Aunty Jean
Now is the time to be protecting your garden against Dingoes, Wombats and Aborigines on walkabout. A good shotgun works for me. It keeps Jehova's Witnesses at bay too.
Planet Jupiter "Really a Hydrogen Balloon full of Dead Geese", Claims Procurator Fiscal
The Two David Livingstones are relishing their new semi at Burwash. "The lounge is especially lovely now we have our papier-mache bust of Hereward The Wake on the coffe table", they enthused, yesterday.
Buckingham Palace Car Boot Sale Ruined By Commanche Raid
Gravesend Police are hunting the gang who stole urine samples from their laboratory. "Somebody is taking the piss", said a spokesperson, yesterday.
Nude Eskimo Couple Refused Entry at Ascot
Local News Update
Twelve more papier-mache busts of Hereward The Wake have appeared at Chichester pub The Running Sore. "We are up to our eyes with these busts", said landlord Colin Drab, yesterday.
Charcoal Stains Ruined My Life Claims Towcester Scullion
Another six papier-mache busts of Hereward The Wake have turned up at Chichester pub The Running Sore. "I'm at my wit's end with all these busts", claimed landlord Colin Drab, yesterday.
More Bad Weather Forecasts Forecast
A papier-mâché bust of Hereward The Wake has gone missing from a Horsham chicken-processing plant.
Bilge Pump Failure Blamed On Wasp
Among the newly-discovered unpublished Sherlock Holmes stories are The Adventure of the Crouching Bishop, The Pummelled Fop and The Adventure of the Yodelling Dwarves.
Suet Puddings Are The New Desuetude
A charcoal drawing of Winnie Mandela playing leapfrog with Lulu while Saki constructs a papier-mache bust of Hereward the Wake on Saltcoats Pier has been stolen from Jim Dale's pornography collection.
Apartheid Still Active In Broadstairs Claims Disgraced Clown
The Two David Livingstones have moved into a new semi-detached at Cuckfield. "We had had enough of Hurstpierpoint, said David Livingstone, yesterday. "It was the catcalling drove us away from there."
Owl Surge Threatens Vatican
A missing Wet Plate Collodion photograph of Lulu playing leapfrog with Arthur Askey and Mao Tse-tung on Saltcoats Pier has been discovered in the glovebox of Florence Nightingale's Ford Anglia.
Heston Blumenthal Rogered Me On Air Claims Suffolk Hospital DJ
A wax crayon etching of Lord Boothby strangling Margaret Thatcher while Lulu and Sammy Davis Junior play leapfrog on Saltcoats Pier has been stolen from the pannier of Frank Bruno's Penny Farthing.
Baby Elephant Stuck in Croyden Bathtub
Among the books left behind by late travel-writer Sidney Yardbrushe are Travels With The Bumbolompa Umbrella-People, Six Months In Lederhosen and How To Avoid Hartlepool.
Ali Baba "Based on Jeffrey Archer", Claims Otley Ned Sherrin Lookalike
A sepia photograph of Sir Francis Drake playing leapfrog with Rasputin and Lulu on Saltcoats Pier has been damaged by melted Wensleydale cheese.
Cliff Richard Sat On My Face, Claims Leamington Spa Lollipop Man
A daguerrotype of Admiral Nelson smoking a meerschaum pipe while Lord Baden Powell plays leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats pier has been stolen from the boot of Clive of India's Ford Zephyr 6.
Ted Ray Resurrected in Black Magic Ritual
Charles "Turnip" Townshend is a big Muddy Waters fan: "I got a lot of the inspiration for my Norfolk Four Course crop rotation system from listening to his Down on Stovall's Plantation album".
Eddie Waring "Bludgeoned a Coypu To Death" After Row With Stuart Hall
Richard III Gets a Job Writing Adverts for Go Outdoors
Now Is The Winter Sale of Our Discount Tents
Komodo Dragon Scourge Threatens Heckmondwike
Charles "Turnip" Townshend is a big fan of blues music. "After a hard day in my turnip fields, I like to kick back with some early John Lee Hooker or Skip James", he said yesterday.
Now Is The Winter Sale of Our Discount Tents
Dorking inventor Gideon Bable's latest creations include a bevelled aluminium mirror for older cats, a set of mollusc drills in universal sizes , and a rubber bathroom.
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