Showing breaking news satire snippets written by Swan Morrison.

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FIFA Rejects Request From England And Scotland For Players To Wear Poppy Armbands On Armistice Day

'We made them a very good offer,' said a FIFA spokesman. 'We only asked for 40% of the poppy appeal profits in return - plus, of course, the usual back-handers.'

written by Swan Morrison, 01 November 2016

Mars Lander Defines Relationship Between Russia And The West

'The joint European Space Agency/Russian Space Agency Mars lander reflects the developing relationship between our nations,' said a spokesman. 'It crashed into the Martian surface at 300kph.'

written by Swan Morrison, 28 October 2016

Morrisons Increase Cost Of Marmite By 12.5%

Unilever shareholders are said to be delighted whereas Morisons' Marmite customers are reported to be furious. In relation to the decision, it appears that people either love it or hate it.

written by Swan Morrison, 28 October 2016

US Asks Queen Of England To Become Interim American Head Of State

'The behaviour of Trump and Clinton make them unsuitable presidents,' said a US spokesman. 'Her Majesty has the respect of all and would reintroduce the dignity and propriety lost from US politics.'

written by Swan Morrison, 16 October 2016

Pokémon GO Praised For Its Realism

I was hunting Pokémon creatures in London Zoo on the 13th of October,' said an avid gamer, 'when a big, hairy one seemed to come right up to me and take a banana from my pocket. It was so realistic.'

written by Swan Morrison, 15 October 2016

Nigeria's President, Muhammadu Buhari, To Engage In Further Talks During Visit To Germany

'I look forward to constructive talks on important world affairs with Angela Merkel's husband,' President Buhari told reporters, 'while Angela cooks some delicious Sauerkraut for us in the kitchen.'

written by Swan Morrison, 15 October 2016

New England Football Manager Sacked Before Most People Realised That He Had Been Appointed

'Ol' whatshisname's been given the heave-ho,' said my next door neighbour. 'I don't know why yet, but I expect it's just another routine football corruption scandal.'

written by Swan Morrison, 28 September 2016

IS Revealed As Major Customer For Samsung Galaxy Note 7

'We use them on half-charged batteries until we are forced to withdraw from a town,' said an IS spokesman. 'We then leave the phones behind - plugged in and charging.'

written by Swan Morrison, 21 September 2016

Recent Outbreak Of World War Three Remains Largely Unreported By Media

'There's no public interest,' said a media spokesman. 'It's all been rather overshadowed by the trial in the Archers and the channel swap of the Great British Bake Off.'

written by Swan Morrison, 13 September 2016

'This NHS Hospital Is Grossly Understaffed,' Claims Jeremy Corbyn In His Deathbed Video

A spokesman for Ikea later confirmed that Mr Corbyn had been lying on a bed in one of their stores when the video had been filmed, and that he seemed fine when he left.

written by Swan Morrison, 27 August 2016

Rumours Continue That Twitter Will Shut Down In 2017

Views have been sought from the remaining half dozen Twitter accounts that are run by real people rather than bots. They were too busy trolling each other to comment, however.

written by Swan Morrison, 11 August 2016

Donald Trump Escalates Bizarre Comments That Alienate Increasing Numbers Of Americans

'I must anger more people,' Mr Trump told his psychiatrist today, 'or I'll be president and not know what to do.'
'That's progress,' said the psychiatrist. 'It's the sanest thing he's ever said.'

written by Swan Morrison, 11 August 2016

Conservative MPs And Activists Flock To Join Labour Party

'This is a cynical ploy,' said a Labour Party spokesman, 'to re-appoint Jeremy Corbyn and hence eliminate Labour as a serious political force in the UK until at least after the next general election.'

written by Swan Morrison, 08 August 2016

Labour Party Continues To Argue About Who Can Vote For New Leader

'We fully support democracy,' said a spokesman for Labour's National Executive Committee, 'but openness and inclusiveness is of no use if the ignorant, devious bastards vote for the wrong person.'

written by Swan Morrison, 08 August 2016

Anger As Ofsted Chairman Calls The Isle of Wight: 'A Ghetto Where There Has Been Inbreeding'.

'IOW residents wouldn't have been able to read what I said,' Ofsted Chairman, David Hoare, told reporters. 'Somebody must have visited their caves and told them.'

written by Swan Morrison, 05 August 2016

Australia To Move Longitude And Latitude To Correct Mismatch Between Local Co-ordinates And GPS

Nicola Sturgeon is said to be considering a similar move to place Scotland in central Europe.

written by Swan Morrison, 31 July 2016

Russian Balloonist, Fyodor Konyukhov, Sets A New World Record For Flying Non-stop Around The World

'He needed to get really high to achieve the record,' said a Russian spokesman, 'although not in the same sense as all our athletics record holders.'

written by Swan Morrison, 23 July 2016

Labour Party Disbands

'Theresa May seems to have covered all the points we're worried about,' announced Jeremy Corbyn. 'We may as well wind up the Labour Party now - it was going to implode anyway.'

written by Swan Morrison, 13 July 2016

Thousands Join Protests At Outcome Of EU Referendum

When asked about the logic of opposing the outcome of a democratic, national vote, a protester seemed puzzled. 'We need to keep having EU referendums until Remain win … I suppose,' he finally replied.

written by Swan Morrison, 02 July 2016

Boris Johnson Expresses No Regret About Causing Britain's Exit From Europe

'It was great fun pushing the country towards Brexit,' Mr Johnson told reporters. 'God knows what's going to happen now mind you,' he added, 'but that's not my problem. I'm off.'

written by Swan Morrison, 01 July 2016

Microsoft To Ratchet-up Further Incentives To Upgrade To Windows 10

The new message for Windows users will read: 'We have kidnapped your family. Upgrade to Windows 10 if you wish to see them alive again.'

written by Swan Morrison, 20 June 2016

Cameron Warns That Withdrawal From Europe Will Invoke The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse

A Britex campaign spokesman has accused the Prime Minister of making ridiculous, exaggerated claims to obscure the certainty that staying in Europe will cause Britain to sink beneath the North Sea.

written by Swan Morrison, 24 May 2016

Final Blame For Man U Bomb Lies With Fido The Sniffer Dog Says Firm Who Planted Fake Device

'Fido the sniffer dog failed to find the fake bomb,' said a spokesman for the firm that planted the device. 'It was all his fault, and the animal has been put down as a warning to the other dogs.'

written by Swan Morrison, 16 May 2016

Britain's New, Plain Speaking Foreign Policy To Be Implemented Gradually

'The PM called Nigerians and Afghans corrupt, and the Queen said the Chinese were very rude,' said a Government spokesman, 'but there are no current plans to offend the Frogs, Krauts or Dagos - oops.'

written by Swan Morrison, 11 May 2016

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