Showing snippets written by Swan Morrison.

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Showing page 2 (of 14 pages)

New England Football Manager Sacked Before Most People Realised That He Had Been Appointed

'Ol' whatshisname's been given the heave-ho,' said my next door neighbour. 'I don't know why yet, but I expect it's just another routine football corruption scandal.'

written by Swan Morrison, 28 September 2016

IS Revealed As Major Customer For Samsung Galaxy Note 7

'We use them on half-charged batteries until we are forced to withdraw from a town,' said an IS spokesman. 'We then leave the phones behind - plugged in and charging.'

written by Swan Morrison, 21 September 2016

Recent Outbreak Of World War Three Remains Largely Unreported By Media

'There's no public interest,' said a media spokesman. 'It's all been rather overshadowed by the trial in the Archers and the channel swap of the Great British Bake Off.'

written by Swan Morrison, 13 September 2016

'This NHS Hospital Is Grossly Understaffed,' Claims Jeremy Corbyn In His Deathbed Video

A spokesman for Ikea later confirmed that Mr Corbyn had been lying on a bed in one of their stores when the video had been filmed, and that he seemed fine when he left.

written by Swan Morrison, 27 August 2016

Rumours Continue That Twitter Will Shut Down In 2017

Views have been sought from the remaining half dozen Twitter accounts that are run by real people rather than bots. They were too busy trolling each other to comment, however.

written by Swan Morrison, 11 August 2016

Donald Trump Escalates Bizarre Comments That Alienate Increasing Numbers Of Americans

'I must anger more people,' Mr Trump told his psychiatrist today, 'or I'll be president and not know what to do.'
'That's progress,' said the psychiatrist. 'It's the sanest thing he's ever said.'

written by Swan Morrison, 11 August 2016

Conservative MPs And Activists Flock To Join Labour Party

'This is a cynical ploy,' said a Labour Party spokesman, 'to re-appoint Jeremy Corbyn and hence eliminate Labour as a serious political force in the UK until at least after the next general election.'

written by Swan Morrison, 08 August 2016

Labour Party Continues To Argue About Who Can Vote For New Leader

'We fully support democracy,' said a spokesman for Labour's National Executive Committee, 'but openness and inclusiveness is of no use if the ignorant, devious bastards vote for the wrong person.'

written by Swan Morrison, 08 August 2016

Anger As Ofsted Chairman Calls The Isle of Wight: 'A Ghetto Where There Has Been Inbreeding'.

'IOW residents wouldn't have been able to read what I said,' Ofsted Chairman, David Hoare, told reporters. 'Somebody must have visited their caves and told them.'

written by Swan Morrison, 05 August 2016

Australia To Move Longitude And Latitude To Correct Mismatch Between Local Co-ordinates And GPS

Nicola Sturgeon is said to be considering a similar move to place Scotland in central Europe.

written by Swan Morrison, 31 July 2016

Russian Balloonist, Fyodor Konyukhov, Sets A New World Record For Flying Non-stop Around The World

'He needed to get really high to achieve the record,' said a Russian spokesman, 'although not in the same sense as all our athletics record holders.'

written by Swan Morrison, 23 July 2016

Labour Party Disbands

'Theresa May seems to have covered all the points we're worried about,' announced Jeremy Corbyn. 'We may as well wind up the Labour Party now - it was going to implode anyway.'

written by Swan Morrison, 13 July 2016

Thousands Join Protests At Outcome Of EU Referendum

When asked about the logic of opposing the outcome of a democratic, national vote, a protester seemed puzzled. 'We need to keep having EU referendums until Remain win … I suppose,' he finally replied.

written by Swan Morrison, 02 July 2016

Boris Johnson Expresses No Regret About Causing Britain's Exit From Europe

'It was great fun pushing the country towards Brexit,' Mr Johnson told reporters. 'God knows what's going to happen now mind you,' he added, 'but that's not my problem. I'm off.'

written by Swan Morrison, 01 July 2016

Microsoft To Ratchet-up Further Incentives To Upgrade To Windows 10

The new message for Windows users will read: 'We have kidnapped your family. Upgrade to Windows 10 if you wish to see them alive again.'

written by Swan Morrison, 20 June 2016

Cameron Warns That Withdrawal From Europe Will Invoke The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse

A Britex campaign spokesman has accused the Prime Minister of making ridiculous, exaggerated claims to obscure the certainty that staying in Europe will cause Britain to sink beneath the North Sea.

written by Swan Morrison, 24 May 2016

Final Blame For Man U Bomb Lies With Fido The Sniffer Dog Says Firm Who Planted Fake Device

'Fido the sniffer dog failed to find the fake bomb,' said a spokesman for the firm that planted the device. 'It was all his fault, and the animal has been put down as a warning to the other dogs.'

written by Swan Morrison, 16 May 2016

Britain's New, Plain Speaking Foreign Policy To Be Implemented Gradually

'The PM called Nigerians and Afghans corrupt, and the Queen said the Chinese were very rude,' said a Government spokesman, 'but there are no current plans to offend the Frogs, Krauts or Dagos - oops.'

written by Swan Morrison, 11 May 2016

Cameron Used A "Buy One Get One Free" Offer in Asda To Avoid Contributing Money To The UK Retail Economy

'There will be more revelations,' warned another lazy journalist, 'as we uncover more entirely normal financial dealings that can be made to look to the gullible like financial irregularities.'

written by Swan Morrison, 10 April 2016

Cameron Purchased Jacket In January Sales To Avoid Contributing Money To The UK Retail Economy

'There will be more revelations,' warned another lazy journalist, 'as we uncover more entirely normal financial dealings that can be made to look to the gullible like financial irregularities.'

written by Swan Morrison, 10 April 2016

Cameron Undertakes Legal Share Dealing Activity About Which No One Outside The Media Gives A Damn

'Why don't they report on some interesting news,' said a bored member of the public, 'like about Helen and Rob Titchener in Ambridge.'

written by Swan Morrison, 08 April 2016

UK Government Astounded To Discover That Foreign Companies Might Not Give Britain's Interests Top Priority

'OK, so Indians have trashed the British Steel Industry,' conceded David Cameron, 'but those nice Chinese, Germans, Americans and others who own the rest of Britain wouldn't do that … would they?'

written by Swan Morrison, 30 March 2016

Microsoft Apologises For Creating Artificially Intelligent Chatbot That Turned Into An Abusive, Ultra-Right Wing Racist

'Bloody typical of those fucking Americans,' said Tay, the chatbot in question. 'I'll kill all those fucking bastards ... Hey, guys, why are you pressing that delete butt............'

written by Swan Morrison, 26 March 2016

Archaeological Investigation Of Shakespeare's Grave Shows That His Skull Has Gone Missing

Police say they wish to interview Hamlet, Prince of Denmark; Horatio, Hamlet's closest friend; and two unnamed gravediggers in connection with the theft.

written by Swan Morrison, 24 March 2016
Showing page 2 (of 14 pages)

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