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Pensioners Delighted At Cameron's Pension Pledge
'It's great news,' said a typical pensioner. 'We now need an anti-whinging law to shut those younger workers up.'
England To Abandon Cricket
'It's been a great four hundred years,' said England captain, Alastair Cook, 'but you've got to know when it's time to quit! I'm trying cycling, and the rest of team are learning other new sports.'
Southern English Middle-Classes Furious About Disruption Caused By Storms
'I'm appalled,' said one Surrey resident. 'No power, no trains and my garden table blew over! This sort of thing happens to Filipinos and Scotsman, not to the middle-classes in the Home Counties.'
Van Gogh Museum In Amsterdam Updates Catalogue For Today's Visitors
'The numerous Van Gogh self-portraits in the museum,' announced the curator, 'will in future be listed as "selfies."'
Archbishop of Canterbury Accepts Pope's Challenge For Anglicans vs Catholics Cricket Match At Lord's In 2014
'To ensure complete impartiality,' said spokesmen for both Churches, 'we will be asking Richard Dawkins to umpire.'
English Heritage Describes Winter Solstice At Stonehenge As A 'Success'
'The sun rose, as expected, at 08.06 AM,' said an English Heritage spokeswoman. 'I think lots of people would have been very disappointed had it not.'
Tenant Anger As London Council Sends 'Insulting' Christmas Card Telling Them Not To Booze Away The Rent Money
'If this is successful,' said a spokesman for Hammersmith and Fulham Council, 'we might send Easter cards telling them to sit up straight at the dinner table and not talk with their mouths full.'
BBC's Stargazing Live Returns On 7th January 2014
Brian Cox and Dara O Briain will describe the wonderful sights that can be seen in the night sky. They will then go out into the rain and apologise to viewers about the blanket cloud cover.
Nigella Lawson Accused Of Lying In Court
'The cooking time of that cake in your book was clearly untrue,' said the judge. 'That's why it was burnt around the edges when I took it out of the oven.'
Bots Now Account For Most Website Traffic
'If a real person happens to read your headline,' said a researcher, 'invite him or her to join the other twenty known, human web users at the Rose and Crown in Putney on Tuesday night.'
James Bond Drinks Four Times The Recommended Maximum Daily Alcohol Intake, Calculate Doctors
'Many 007 buffs conclude that Bond was born around 1920,' countered an alcohol industry spokesman. 'That puts him in his mid-nineties and still saving the world,so booze is clearly doing him no harm.'
Man Who Faked Sign Language At Mandela Memorial Admits Problems In Previous Jobs
'I was sacked from directing traffic after the car crashes, from the Navy Signals Corps after those boats collided, and from guiding taxiing aircraft after that 747 hit a terminal building,' he said.
Teachers In Wales Hit Back At Report Complaining That Pupils Have No Idea How To Take A Maths Test
'Eighty percent of our students know very well how to take a maths test,' responded a spokesperson for teachers in Wales, 'and we will urgently be teaching those skills to the other thirty percent.'
Home Secretary, Theresa May, Promises To "Address The Gaps" In The Government's Response To Extremism
When asked to define "Extremism" she explained that it was any view she didn't like. 'That certainly encompasses the promotion of hatred,' she added, 'but may also include deviation from Tory policy.'
George Osborne Distances Himself From Assertion By Boris That Intelligence Is A factor In Economic Inequality
'It's like saying that the poor are poor because they're stupid,' said the Chancellor. 'If we say that, we'll never get votes from the idiot majority who are in financial hardship.'
Amazon Testing Unmanned Drones To Deliver Goods To Customers
'We may also work with the US Air Force to expand our service in Pakistan,' said an Amazon spokesman. 'A drone could deliver a couple of online orders and then move straight on to bomb the Taliban.'
"Black Friday Is Not Enough," Say UK Retailers
'As it's so easy to whip shoppers into a spending frenzy,' said a UK retailers' spokesman, 'we are considering the introduction of "Hysteria Saturday" and "Psychotic Sunday" to follow "Black Friday."'
Dr Who Reveals His Approach To Reducing Stress During The Festive Season
'In mid-December I always take the Tardis directly to mid-January,' admitted the Doctor. 'I can handle Daleks and Ice Warriors, but, frankly, I can't face Christmas.'
Daily Mail Reallocates 'Evil Alien' Designation
'Until 1st January,' revealed Daily Mail editor, Paul Dacre, 'we will cease to vilify asylum seekers. Instead, we will be warning against the evil Bulgarian hoards who will then invade our land.'
"Religiously-informed Judgment Of Conscience" No Excuse For Gay Discrimination, Rules Supreme Court
'We are relieved,' said a Wicca representative, as Cornish B&B owners, who refused accommodation to a gay couple, lose appeal. 'Christians now have no precedent to burn us at the stake.'
Value Of A Bitcoin Surpasses $1,000 For The First Time
'The price is being inflated,' said one financial analyst, 'by thousands of people buying into the currency who are unfamiliar with the terms: overvalued, bubble and crash.'
Drug Taking Advocated For All Masterchef Judges
'If Nigella was on drugs,' said one viewer, 'that would explain why she was so chilled-out on her cookery shows. Roux, Wallace and Torode should try it to make Masterchef less intense and stressful.'
Alan Partridge Celebrated By Norwich As He Takes Centre Stage In The City's Christmas Lights
'It was a bit unfortunate that we had to use a fictional character,' said the Mayor of Norwich, sadly. 'Maybe one day a real person that everyone's heard of will come from Norwich.'
Concerns That Monty Python Reunion Show May Be Disappointing
'This is always a risk when ageing stars try to recapture their glory days,' said one producer. 'In the worst scenario, it could turn into what we now call in the trade a "Glastonbury Stones" event.'
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