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Olympics Encourages Thousands Of UK Citizens To Take Up A Sport
'This will be great for the UK,' said a Sports Ministry spokesman. 'The only disadvantage we can foresee is more bloody cyclists during the rush hour.'
Jetstream Must Be Moved Northwards To Improve British Weather
'We need heated air currents coming from the south,' explained a Met Office spokesman. 'Currently, the most popular plan among the British public is to set fire to France.'
Government To Reintroduce Conscription To Fill Stadiums For Olympic Football Tournament
'We can't give the tickets away,' admitted Seb Coe to reporters. 'Emergency legislation is being prepared to compel all UK citizens to attend at least one game.'
£10 million anonymously donated to the University of Southampton for cancer research
'We will track down the culprit,' vowed George Osborne, Chancellor of the Exchequer, 'and review his tax returns with a fine toothed comb. Hopefully, he will be prosecuted and imprisoned.'
Chocolate Bars With Silver Paper Wrappings Not Allowed Within Olympic Stadium
'The reflective silver paper could act as chaff, distracting any surface-to-air missiles,' warned an MOD spokesman. 'In the worst case, a missile could lock-on to a spectator holding a chocolate bar.'
UK Environment Agency Issues New Flood Guidance
'We recommend that each local community should build an ark,' advised a UK Environment Agency spokesman, 'and collect a male and female member of as many species as possible.'
BBC Reporter Asks G4S Spokesman Whether His Company Is Competent To Protect London 2012
'Don't tell him, Pike,' barked the head of security at G4S, Captain Mainwaring.
CRB Checks Tightened To Protect Vulnerable
'In addition to criminal records,' said a Criminal Records Bureau spokesman, 'future checks will disclose if a person has been a banker. Clearly, such people must not be placed in positions of trust.'
Euro 2012 TV Camera Crews Complain That The Football Is Ruining Their Match Coverage
'It's very difficult,' said a spokesman for the Euro 2012 Camera Crews, 'to take those long, lingering shots of every attractive woman in the stadium when we are also expected to film the game.'
International Rulers Baffled By Public Demonstrations Of Support For The Queen On Her Jubilee
'What techniques do the British secret police use,' questioned a typical despot, 'to coerce that many people onto the streets in support of their ruler?'
Social Services Investigate A Serious Case Of Elder Abuse In Central London
It is alleged that a woman of 86 was forced to stand for hours in the rain on Sunday, was kept awake by loud music outside her window on Monday, and was paraded through London's streets on Tuesday.
Greece Announces New Financial Strategy
'We will give a case of Retsina to each Greek citizen,' said the Greek Prime Minister. 'Greeks will then drink it while watching the sunset over the Ionian Sea and thinking: "Oh well, what the Hell."'
Another Round Of The Bonkers Olympics Ticket Selling Process To Begin on Friday 11th May
'Thank God,' said Sebastian Coe, chairman of the London Organizing Committee for the Olympic Games, 'that we didn't have responsibility for marketing tickets for a piss-up in a brewery.'
Al-Qaeda Make Offer To Provide Personal Bodyguards To Ensure The Safety Of Ed Miliband
Following Osama Bin Laden's view that the US Vice-President was a bigger threat to the West alive than dead, the UK Labour Party has played down an al-Qaeda offer to supply bodyguards for Ed Miliband.
Ministry of Defence To Place Surface-to-air Missiles On London Council Estate During Olympics
'They've put one in the spare bedroom,' said one affected resident. 'I've told the kids not to touch the big red button.'
New Witness Oath To Be Introduced For Leveson Enquiry
'The usual oath hasn't worked,' said a spokesman. 'The new one will say: I hereby agree that if 95% of the public believe I am lying, Lord Leveson will remove my testicles with secateurs, live on TV.'
Rupert Murdoch Advised On Public Statements By Son, James
'I didn't know that events could be published in things called newspapers,' Rupert Murdoch told reporters on leaving the Leveson Enquiry. 'Don't overdo it, dad,' his son was quietly heard to advise.
Public Demand Resumption Of Panic Fuel Buying
'The tanker dispute is unresolved,' said a consumer spokesman, 'yet it's easy to buy fuel. People miss the challenge and excitement of panic buying, and demand that queues are reformed immediately.'
Rupert Murdoch Astounded By The Activities Of News International
'I had no idea my company published The Times, The Sun, The Sunday Times and The News of The World,' Rupert Murdoch told the Leveson Enquiry, today. 'Apparently, I also own a satellite TV company.'
Southern England Philosophical About Hosepipe Ban
'It doesn't matter to me, anymore,' said a typical resident of southern England. 'My hosepipe just got swept away in the floods.'
Motto For London Olympics Again Enrages Tehran
'First the Olympic logo spelled ZION,' said an Iranian official, 'now, the motto, Inspire a generation, is an anagram of Iran insane ego tripe, a clear reference to the views of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad!'
'I'd Personally Fly Abu Qatada to Jordan If I Could,' Says Cameron
'OK,' he continued, 'I know I'm not showing much regard for principles of human rights, but if it appeases right wing voters in the run-up to the local government elections, then I'm up for it.'
American Jim Yong Kim beats Nigerian Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala To Be President Of The World Bank
'I have no hard feelings,' said the Nigerian Finance Minister. 'Indeed, I know of the fortune of a deceased, heir-less millionaire which can be sent to the World Bank if Mr Kim pays an initial fee.'
Traditional Folk Singers Say Titanic Commemorations Have Been Excessive
'It's not as if it's the only boat that ever sank,' said a spokesman for the British Traditional Folk Singers Association. 'In fact, our members rarely sing about any other subject.'
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