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The Governor Of The Bank Of England Suggests Increasingly Complex Ways To Control Dishonesty By Bankers
'The telling thing about Mark Carney's recent speech in Singapore,' said an analyst, 'was that it was based on the unstated premise that there could never be such a thing as an honest banker.'
Russia Is Planning An Alternative Version Of Wikipedia, Announces The Country's Presidential Library
'The first article will be about our heroic attempts to liberate the Ukraine,' confirmed a Russian spokesman. 'The next will be about the suicide of Alexander Litvinenko.'
Qatar World Cup Bid Did Not Involve Corruption, Concludes Fifa
'This is a magnificent achievement,' said a typical observer of Middle Eastern affairs. 'That makes it the first major deal in this part of the world that has not involved corruption.'
Plans Unveiled For £97m Supercomputer To Boost Met Office Computing Capacity By 13 Times
'We will still have no bloody idea,' confirmed a Met office expert, 'what tomorrow's weather will be in southern Hampshire.'
Wi-Fi signal named "Al-Qaeda Free Terror Network" Results In Long Delay For Passengers At Los Angeles Airport
'Our networks are usually named as variations on: 'Moms apple pie - God Bless America,' confirmed an Al-Qaeda spokesman. 'Otherwise it would be a bit f***ing obvious.'
Sweden Abandons Search For Russian Submarine
'We won this round,' said Russian President, Vladimir Putin. 'Now Sweden must hide a sub in Russian territorial waters. We are already covering our eyes and counting.'
Catholic Archbishop Smith Of Southwark Commissions Investigation Into Former Head Of The Arundel And Brighton Diocese
'Bishop Kieran Conry has admitted to a legal, heterosexual relationship with a consenting adult woman,' said Archbishop Peter Smith. 'We see this as a huge leap forward for the Catholic Church.'
'There Are Too Many Foreigners In France,' Says French President Nicolas Sarkozy
'We've bin sayin' that for years,' agreed a typical English tourist. 'For a start, it's full of the French.'
Chief Executive Of NewsCorp Accuses Google Of Cynical Management
Chief Executive of NewsCorp, Robert Johnson, believes that Google cynically uses its influence to disadvantage other news providers. 'Believe us,' said Mr Johnson, 'we are experts on this subject.'
Police Make Six Arrests After Separating Groups Of Skirmishing Unionist And independence Supporters In Glasgow
'The referendum has clearly honed the Scots' organisational skills,' said an observer. 'It's less than 24 hours after the vote, yet Glaswegians have already formed rival gangs and started fights.'
Scottish Referendum Highlights Lack Of People In Scotland
'I was astounded,' said a typical Englishman, 'that the population of Scotland numbers less than 70% of the population of Greater London. What was all the fuss about? There's hardly anyone there.'
Plymouth University Has Agreed To Spend £150,000 On Seven Chairs For Graduation Ceremonies
'Some of the cost,' said Professor David Coslett, deputy vice chancellor, 'will pay for a PR consultant to try to avoid us looking ridiculous in these days of austerity and rising tuition fees.'
September 19th Is 'International Talk Like A Pirate Day'
People throughout the world are being encouraged to use expressions such a 'Ahoy matey' and 'We're from Mogadishu, and we're taking control of this oil tanker.'
Scottish Businesses Try To Sound Upbeat About A Possible 'Yes' Vote
'Independence could be good for Scotland,' said a spokesman for Scottish Industry, 'as long as the border could be moved closer to Thurso.'
Protests At News That Just 3% of England's GCSE Papers Will Be Awarded The New Ultra-high Grade From 2017
'This is just another example of the exam system discriminating against the not-so-bright,' said a spokesman for the 'high grades for all' campaign.
Dawlish Mud And Straw House Collapses
A traditionally built house of compacted mud and straw has collapsed in a Devon town. The three pigs who own the property have blamed a big bad wolf. 'We'll use bricks next time,' they resolved.
'Inverted Penis' Hailed As The Next London High Rise Structure Sensation
A penis with twelve scrotums on top is joining the Shard, Walkie Talkie and Cheesegrater on London's skyline. 'It expresses,' said its designer, 'the bollocks shaping London's new architecture.'
Astronomers Close To Confirming Big Bang Theory
'We are examining microwaves produced at the time of the Big Bang that are now arriving on Earth,' confirmed Professor Brian Cox. 'We now await the predicted arrival of fridges and washing machines.'
Relief As Asda Confirms That Ukraine Crisis Will Not Affect Chicken Kiev Supplies
'Chicken Kievs need not originate in Kiev,' said a spokesman. 'Cornish Pasties all come from Cornwall, whereas Kievs, like Scotch Eggs, can be made anywhere. They are unaffected by Putin's invasion.'
Poundland To Float On London Stock Exchange
When asked about the proposed share price a Poundland spokesman gave an exasperated gasp, shook his head and walked away, as if the BBC interviewer was a complete idiot.
Environment Agency To Oppose Gay Marriage Says Its Chair, Lord Smith
'We think David Silvester's view is daft about the current floods being God's judgement on gay marriage,' said Lord Smith, 'but with no end to this weather in sight, we're prepared to try anything.'
Why Must We Stand In Wind, Water And Sewage To Report The Weather? Ask TV Reporters
'I'm sick of standing in sewage filled rivers in gale force winds,' said one windswept and sodden TV news reporter. 'Why can't we report from the studio, or at least from a shelter on high ground?'
Evidence Of A Primitive Human-like Species Found In Norfolk, Confirm Archaeologists
Archaeologists have been quick to clarify that their announcement refers to 800,000 year old fossilised footprints found on the shore at Happisburgh, and not to current residents of the County.
Councils Must Hold Referendum For Council Tax Increases Above 2%
'We are proposing a public referendum on a council tax rise of 4.75%,' said a representative of Brighton's Green Party-led council. 'We also plan to consult turkeys on the subject of Christmas.'
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