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Mars Lander Defines Relationship Between Russia And The West
'The joint European Space Agency/Russian Space Agency Mars lander reflects the developing relationship between our nations,' said a spokesman. 'It crashed into the Martian surface at 300kph.'
Morrisons Increase Cost Of Marmite By 12.5%
Unilever shareholders are said to be delighted whereas Morisons' Marmite customers are reported to be furious. In relation to the decision, it appears that people either love it or hate it.
US Asks Queen Of England To Become Interim American Head Of State
'The behaviour of Trump and Clinton make them unsuitable presidents,' said a US spokesman. 'Her Majesty has the respect of all and would reintroduce the dignity and propriety lost from US politics.'
Pokémon GO Praised For Its Realism
I was hunting Pokémon creatures in London Zoo on the 13th of October,' said an avid gamer, 'when a big, hairy one seemed to come right up to me and take a banana from my pocket. It was so realistic.'
Nigeria's President, Muhammadu Buhari, To Engage In Further Talks During Visit To Germany
'I look forward to constructive talks on important world affairs with Angela Merkel's husband,' President Buhari told reporters, 'while Angela cooks some delicious Sauerkraut for us in the kitchen.'
New England Football Manager Sacked Before Most People Realised That He Had Been Appointed
'Ol' whatshisname's been given the heave-ho,' said my next door neighbour. 'I don't know why yet, but I expect it's just another routine football corruption scandal.'
IS Revealed As Major Customer For Samsung Galaxy Note 7
'We use them on half-charged batteries until we are forced to withdraw from a town,' said an IS spokesman. 'We then leave the phones behind - plugged in and charging.'
Recent Outbreak Of World War Three Remains Largely Unreported By Media
'There's no public interest,' said a media spokesman. 'It's all been rather overshadowed by the trial in the Archers and the channel swap of the Great British Bake Off.'
'This NHS Hospital Is Grossly Understaffed,' Claims Jeremy Corbyn In His Deathbed Video
A spokesman for Ikea later confirmed that Mr Corbyn had been lying on a bed in one of their stores when the video had been filmed, and that he seemed fine when he left.
Rumours Continue That Twitter Will Shut Down In 2017
Views have been sought from the remaining half dozen Twitter accounts that are run by real people rather than bots. They were too busy trolling each other to comment, however.
Donald Trump Escalates Bizarre Comments That Alienate Increasing Numbers Of Americans
'I must anger more people,' Mr Trump told his psychiatrist today, 'or I'll be president and not know what to do.'
'That's progress,' said the psychiatrist. 'It's the sanest thing he's ever said.'
Conservative MPs And Activists Flock To Join Labour Party
'This is a cynical ploy,' said a Labour Party spokesman, 'to re-appoint Jeremy Corbyn and hence eliminate Labour as a serious political force in the UK until at least after the next general election.'
Labour Party Continues To Argue About Who Can Vote For New Leader
'We fully support democracy,' said a spokesman for Labour's National Executive Committee, 'but openness and inclusiveness is of no use if the ignorant, devious bastards vote for the wrong person.'
Anger As Ofsted Chairman Calls The Isle of Wight: 'A Ghetto Where There Has Been Inbreeding'.
'IOW residents wouldn't have been able to read what I said,' Ofsted Chairman, David Hoare, told reporters. 'Somebody must have visited their caves and told them.'
Australia To Move Longitude And Latitude To Correct Mismatch Between Local Co-ordinates And GPS
Nicola Sturgeon is said to be considering a similar move to place Scotland in central Europe.
Russian Balloonist, Fyodor Konyukhov, Sets A New World Record For Flying Non-stop Around The World
'He needed to get really high to achieve the record,' said a Russian spokesman, 'although not in the same sense as all our athletics record holders.'
Labour Party Disbands
'Theresa May seems to have covered all the points we're worried about,' announced Jeremy Corbyn. 'We may as well wind up the Labour Party now - it was going to implode anyway.'
Thousands Join Protests At Outcome Of EU Referendum
When asked about the logic of opposing the outcome of a democratic, national vote, a protester seemed puzzled. 'We need to keep having EU referendums until Remain win … I suppose,' he finally replied.
Boris Johnson Expresses No Regret About Causing Britain's Exit From Europe
'It was great fun pushing the country towards Brexit,' Mr Johnson told reporters. 'God knows what's going to happen now mind you,' he added, 'but that's not my problem. I'm off.'
Microsoft To Ratchet-up Further Incentives To Upgrade To Windows 10
The new message for Windows users will read: 'We have kidnapped your family. Upgrade to Windows 10 if you wish to see them alive again.'
Cameron Warns That Withdrawal From Europe Will Invoke The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse
A Britex campaign spokesman has accused the Prime Minister of making ridiculous, exaggerated claims to obscure the certainty that staying in Europe will cause Britain to sink beneath the North Sea.
Final Blame For Man U Bomb Lies With Fido The Sniffer Dog Says Firm Who Planted Fake Device
'Fido the sniffer dog failed to find the fake bomb,' said a spokesman for the firm that planted the device. 'It was all his fault, and the animal has been put down as a warning to the other dogs.'
Britain's New, Plain Speaking Foreign Policy To Be Implemented Gradually
'The PM called Nigerians and Afghans corrupt, and the Queen said the Chinese were very rude,' said a Government spokesman, 'but there are no current plans to offend the Frogs, Krauts or Dagos - oops.'
Cameron Used A "Buy One Get One Free" Offer in Asda To Avoid Contributing Money To The UK Retail Economy
'There will be more revelations,' warned another lazy journalist, 'as we uncover more entirely normal financial dealings that can be made to look to the gullible like financial irregularities.'
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