Showing snippets written by Swan Morrison.
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Slimmers Express Mixed Feelings About Detection Of Gravity Waves
'The contraction of space means that many slimmers should drop a dress size,' said a Slimming World astrophysicist. 'Sadly, the effect only occurs for a billionth of a second, once every few years.'
Home Secretary, Theresa May, Again Stresses The Urgent Need For Her To Easily Access Any Internet Account
Westminster sources confirm that she has not yet found the piece of paper that listed her passwords.
Indian Lawyer, Chandan Kumar Sing, Attempts To Sue God in Indian Court
'Yesterday, I was caught in a violent monsoon thunderstorm,' he told reporters, 'As a result, I now intend to file a further complaint for witness intimidation.'
Jeremy Corbyn Provides More Detail Of His Position On Trident
'We'll keep the submarines,' he explained to reporters, 'but scrap the nuclear weapons. Instead we'll paint LET'S BE REASONABLE LADS on the side of each vessel in Russian, Chinese, Korean and Arabic.'
Police Consider Using Condors To Catch Criminals
Following plans by the Metropolitan Police to use eagles to catch drones, condors are being trialled to spot criminals and fly them to police stations. 'Birds are the new dogs,' said a Met spokesman.
Conspiracy Theorists Raise Concerns About Astronaut Deaths
'Only those who were said to have walked on the moon know the truth about faked moon landings,'said a typical conspiracy theorist. 'With the passing of Edgar Mitchell, six have now mysteriously died.'
Egypt Museum Staff Face Trial Over Botched Repair To Tutankhamun's Mysteriously Damaged Beard
'It's lucky they never noticed the rip in the shroud of Rameses II,' said an anonymous member of the museum staff. 'That got torn at the same fancy dress party.'
HMRC Sends Jolly Nice Thank You Letter To Google
'We wanted to thank Google ever so much for thinking of us and using their valuable time to pay a bit of UK tax.' said Damian Hinds MP, Exchequer Secretary to the Treasury. 'It was very kind of them.'
Education Secretary Champions A Diversity Of Sporting Opportunities For Young People In Schools
'Athletics teaches young people about drugs,' Nicky Morgan told UK Sport representatives, 'tennis informs them about bribery, and football allows exploration of corporate corruption.'
Cameron And Hunt Dismayed At Failure Of Their Honesty And Sincerity Impersonations
'They tried their best to pretend to look honest and sincere when claiming that junior doctors were being unreasonable,' said a Downing Street source, 'but sadly the public just aren't that gullible.'
Competition Hots Up For Most Inventive Way To Resign From Shadow Cabinet
Following Stephen Doughty's resignation on live TV, it is rumoured that another shadow minister plans to hire a plane to tow a banner across the London sky that reads "You're insane, Corbyn. I Quit!"
Thousands Of Hewlett Packard Printer Ink Cartridges Washed Up On British and European Beaches
'They were lost at sea last year,' said a spokesman for HP. 'Fortunately, despite their ridiculous retail cost, they contain virtually no ink and so the environmental consequences should be minimal.'
UK Older Persons Groups Press For Urgent Legislation To Address Term Time Holidays
'They can't stop pushy parents taking children on term time holidays,' said a spokesman, 'so we need legislation to ensure that if kids are at resorts in term time, the little bastards remain quiet.'
"London Gatwick Obviously" Emphasises Oil Discovery Under Gatwick Airport
'A well near Gatwick airport could yield 158 million barrels of oil.' said a spokesman for "London Gatwick Obviously". 'Piping it directly to the planes would significantly reduce travel costs.'
Archbishop Of Canterbury Reassures Anxious Fundamentalist Christians About Solar Eclipse
'This is a normal astronomical phenomenon,' the archbishop reassured anxious fundamentalist believers. 'It does not mean that God is angry with you.'
Mirror Group Phone Hacking Caused Japanese Tsunami Claims Celebrity
'I am not exaggerating,' the celebrity told the High Court in London, 'either due to justifiable anger or a wish to maximise a damages payment.'
Yeti Encountered In Himalayas
'This event might have provided conclusive, photographic proof of the yeti,' said a spokesman. 'Sadly, all shots used selfie sticks, and the creatures were obscured by the photographer's friends.'
Extraterrestrials Land In New York's Central Park
'This event might have provided conclusive, photographic proof of extraterrestrials,' said a spokesman. 'Sadly, all shots used selfie sticks, and the aliens were hidden by the photographers' friends.'
Sir Malcolm Rifkind Resigns As Chairman Of Parliament's Intelligence and Security Committee
The former Foreign Secretary resigns as chairman of Parliament's Intelligence and Security Committee after showing little intelligence and even less security in his dealings with undercover reporters.
The 2022 Qatar World Cup Rescheduled For November And December To Avoid Health Risks Of 40 Degree Temperatures
'It's just lucky that we spotted those temperature statistics in time,' said a relieved Fifa vice-president, Jim Boyce.
Pensioners Launch Campaign To Dissuade Young People From Voting
'The Government are throwing money at us because they know that we all vote,' said a typical older citizen. 'If the young'uns show any interest in voting, then we'll have to share the loot with them.'
French Police Study Video Of HSBC Directors
The video shows a gang of HSBC directors pushing a low income saver from a Paris metro train while chanting: 'We only help the rich to evade tax, and that's the way we like it.'
UK Parliament Stunned By Allegations That Daily Telegraph Failed To Publish Negative Stories About Advertisers
'We failed in every attempt to stop them exposing our dishonest expense claims,' said a parliamentary spokesman. 'All we ever needed to do was advertise with them. We're gutted at our own stupidity.'
Fox News Again Accused Of Wrongly Claiming That A Major City Is Predominantly Muslim
'OK, we were wrong about Birmingham, England and Paris, France - wherever they are,' said a Fox New spokesman, 'but we stand by our claim about Mecca.'
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