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Soft Drinks Companies To Mount Legal Challenge To New Sugar Tax
'If we succeed in legally putting profits before children's health,' said a soft drinks industry spokesman,'we'll consider adding crack cocaine to our drinks. That'll really boost sales and profits.'
Jeremy Corbyn Denies Knowledge Of List Categorising Labour MPs According To Their Attitudes To Him
The Times revealed that the list divided Labour MPs into groups including: Supporters(19 MPs), Neutral But Not Hostile(72 MPs), Hostile(36 MPs) and First To Be Shot When The Revolution Comes(27 MPs).
Britex Campaign Fury As Mark Carney Expresses Concern About Negative Economic Effects Of Leaving EU
'It's totally unacceptable,' whinged a number of eurosceptic MPs, 'that someone who knows what he's talking about and doesn't have a personal axe to grind should express a pro-European view.'
UK Biscuit Shortage Due To Storms Desmond and Eva Disabling McVitie's Carlisle Factory
'We've had a lot of other problems due to the storms,' said a fan of custard creams, bourbons and ginger nuts, 'but this one takes the biscuit!'
EU Campaign Could Damage Public Image Of Boris Johnson
'If Mr Johnson keeps expressing firm opinions,' warned a leading style guru, 'people will cease to view him as a loveable, bumbling eccentric, but think of him as just another irritating politician.'
Driverless Lorries To Be Trialled In The UK Announces Department Of Transport
'The software,' said a spokesman, 'can now speed recklessly six inches from the vehicle in front; block the middle lane by overtaking at a snail's pace, and flash and honk to harass other road users.'
More UK Schoolchildren Interviewed By Police On Suspicion Of Holding Non-liberal Views
'The state secretly monitors all UK residents to detect non-liberal viewpoints,' said a ministry spokesman. 'Those who seem to take non-liberal positions may be subject to internment without trial.'
Time Magazine Removes Evelyn Waugh From Their List Of Female Authors
'We will also be removing Hilary Benn from our list of female UK members of parliament and Val Doonican from our list of female Irish singers,' said a spokesman for Time Magazine.
Richard Dawkins Recovers From Illness After The Church Tweets: "Prayers For Prof Dawkins And His Family"
'This was a genuine wish for his recovery,' said a Church of England Spokesman. 'It allows more time for his repentance. Had he died now, he would have been damned to Hell for all eternity.'
Slimmers Express Mixed Feelings About Detection Of Gravity Waves
'The contraction of space means that many slimmers should drop a dress size,' said a Slimming World astrophysicist. 'Sadly, the effect only occurs for a billionth of a second, once every few years.'
Home Secretary, Theresa May, Again Stresses The Urgent Need For Her To Easily Access Any Internet Account
Westminster sources confirm that she has not yet found the piece of paper that listed her passwords.
Indian Lawyer, Chandan Kumar Sing, Attempts To Sue God in Indian Court
'Yesterday, I was caught in a violent monsoon thunderstorm,' he told reporters, 'As a result, I now intend to file a further complaint for witness intimidation.'
Jeremy Corbyn Provides More Detail Of His Position On Trident
'We'll keep the submarines,' he explained to reporters, 'but scrap the nuclear weapons. Instead we'll paint LET'S BE REASONABLE LADS on the side of each vessel in Russian, Chinese, Korean and Arabic.'
Police Consider Using Condors To Catch Criminals
Following plans by the Metropolitan Police to use eagles to catch drones, condors are being trialled to spot criminals and fly them to police stations. 'Birds are the new dogs,' said a Met spokesman.
Conspiracy Theorists Raise Concerns About Astronaut Deaths
'Only those who were said to have walked on the moon know the truth about faked moon landings,'said a typical conspiracy theorist. 'With the passing of Edgar Mitchell, six have now mysteriously died.'
Egypt Museum Staff Face Trial Over Botched Repair To Tutankhamun's Mysteriously Damaged Beard
'It's lucky they never noticed the rip in the shroud of Rameses II,' said an anonymous member of the museum staff. 'That got torn at the same fancy dress party.'
HMRC Sends Jolly Nice Thank You Letter To Google
'We wanted to thank Google ever so much for thinking of us and using their valuable time to pay a bit of UK tax.' said Damian Hinds MP, Exchequer Secretary to the Treasury. 'It was very kind of them.'
Education Secretary Champions A Diversity Of Sporting Opportunities For Young People In Schools
'Athletics teaches young people about drugs,' Nicky Morgan told UK Sport representatives, 'tennis informs them about bribery, and football allows exploration of corporate corruption.'
Cameron And Hunt Dismayed At Failure Of Their Honesty And Sincerity Impersonations
'They tried their best to pretend to look honest and sincere when claiming that junior doctors were being unreasonable,' said a Downing Street source, 'but sadly the public just aren't that gullible.'
Competition Hots Up For Most Inventive Way To Resign From Shadow Cabinet
Following Stephen Doughty's resignation on live TV, it is rumoured that another shadow minister plans to hire a plane to tow a banner across the London sky that reads "You're insane, Corbyn. I Quit!"
Thousands Of Hewlett Packard Printer Ink Cartridges Washed Up On British and European Beaches
'They were lost at sea last year,' said a spokesman for HP. 'Fortunately, despite their ridiculous retail cost, they contain virtually no ink and so the environmental consequences should be minimal.'
UK Older Persons Groups Press For Urgent Legislation To Address Term Time Holidays
'They can't stop pushy parents taking children on term time holidays,' said a spokesman, 'so we need legislation to ensure that if kids are at resorts in term time, the little bastards remain quiet.'
"London Gatwick Obviously" Emphasises Oil Discovery Under Gatwick Airport
'A well near Gatwick airport could yield 158 million barrels of oil.' said a spokesman for "London Gatwick Obviously". 'Piping it directly to the planes would significantly reduce travel costs.'
Archbishop Of Canterbury Reassures Anxious Fundamentalist Christians About Solar Eclipse
'This is a normal astronomical phenomenon,' the archbishop reassured anxious fundamentalist believers. 'It does not mean that God is angry with you.'
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