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Scotland Out Of All Matches
Scotland's football team are to withdraw from all international competitions next season. A spokesman said: 'We've got no chance of winning - why bother?'
Challenging Test for Murray
Andy Murray is to play a series of warm-up matches against a leaper toad called Bernie.
Mandelson's False Teeth Appeal
Peter Mandelson is appealing to fair-goers to return his false teeth after they fell out while he was on a ferris wheel with his Brazillian lover in Cheltenham, Essex.
Brown accepts McDonalds job
Former Prime Minister Gordon Brown has accepted a job taking orders at McDonalds. He joins former Mayor Ken Livingstone, who is flipping burgers at the Peckham branch.
Adolf Hitler has been found alive in a Sidcup bedsit but cannot be deported, officials have admitted. The High Court will scupper moves to send Mr Hitler home.
Livingstone: Mayor admits drink problem and resigns
Ken Livingstone has conceeded defeat to his rival Boris Johnson in the election for London Mayor He apparently wept at a news conference and said: 'I'm a corrupt drunk and I have failed this city.'
Was Tennis Champ Replaced by Crack Chump?
The International Tennis Federation is investigating claims that Roger Federer was using Pete Doherty as his 'double' when he lost to Wimbledon hopeful Andy Murray last week.
Horrific accident in mime show
World famous Australian mime artist Jason Blue is to have a carriage clock removed from his anus after he slipped on stage during his human depiction 'The Passage of Time' at the Sidney Opera House.
Murray: Rocket feet plan
Tennis failure Andy Murray is to test a controversial pair of jet boots known as 'McBlasters' in a bid to enable him to beat a quality player
Fayed: Beam me up Scottie
Mohammed Fayed and his barrister Michael Mansfield, QC will seek a ruling on Princess Diana's death from a jury on Venus after they were laughed out of the High Court.
Scouser's Ticket on Thatcher Express
A new bus service is being planned through Liverpool to help people who blame former British prime minister Margaret Thatcher for life's woes to 'get out and about a bit more.'
Mills leg shock
Former Beatle wife Heather Mills is to cut off her good leg with a hacksaw live on TV in an attempt to win sympathy from the British public.
End to Computer Spamming
The world's computer spammers will stop sending junk email from 12am tonight after admitting no-one was interested in their products or services.
Vacuum cleaner horror
A Droitwich man is recovering in hospital after he used a vacuum cleaner as a masturbatory device. Doctors have operated to remove a testicle which was lodged half way up the shaft of his penis.
Give non-ethnic muggers a chance pleads laughless comic
Titterless comic Lennie Henry has pleaded for 'affirmative action' to give for white muggers a chance in south London.
Murray: Why can't he beat good players?
Tennis player Andy Murray is to try and regain his form with a series of warm-up matches against a gerbil called Malcolm.
'Mr Bean' Makes Fine Booties
Well-wishers gathered at a hospital in the West End of London as Gordon Brown underwent his ninth face lift. Hospital bosses plan to make a dozen pairs of cowboy boots with the excess skin from both his front and rear faces.
Home Fitness Horror
A Mexican man is recovering in Tijuana hospital after the control unit on his electric buttock stretcher failed, causing severe chafing to his upper thighs.
Thatcher Obessives get Charity Grant
A new charity for people who blame former British premier Margaret Thatcher for their dull sex lives has won a £250,000 Lottery grant.
TV Crew Puts Spotlight on Reclusive Minister
Cameras are to be allowed into British Home Secretary Jacqui Smith's sea-cave for the first time in a documentary about her lifestyle as a hermit.
Former Mac Star Patents Privates
Ex Fleetwood Mac singer Stevie Nicks is attempting to trademark the unusual shape of her vagina after it was immortalised in an ice sculpture at a Hollywood party.
'Wat's hapnin' man' says McDonalds's voice
The orginal voice of newsreader Sir Trevor McDonald has been refused political asylum in Britain and will be deported to Kingstown, Jamaica.
Fleetwood Mac Shock at Hollywood Bash
Diners at an exclusive $1,000 a plate charity dinner were disgusted when the ice sculpture was revealed to be a three foot model of Stevie Nicks's vagina complete with an ice cream 'clitoris.'
Gypsies in Vic Dib's Knicks
Vicar of Dibley star Dawn French is attempting to evict a family of gipsies who moved into her knickers when she hung them out to dry over Christmas. A donkey stabled in her gusset will be allowed to stay
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