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"Racist" biscuits banned by Labour
Custard Creams replaced by Bourbon Biscuits in the Headquarters of the Commission for Racial Equality.
Rumsfeld defends his new book, "Muslim Armageddon"
"It deals with the sensitive issue of radiation sickness on muslim families through sustained nuclear strikes on Syria and Iran," quipped the author.
Naked Nintendo Wii Sports Craze Hits Britain!
Video footage of Pauline Quirke playing Wii Sports while naked has been condemned by Nintendo. Footage of Kelly Brook playing was not condemned.
Tony Blair blames Mystic Meg for Iraq War
"I read her horoscope column on the Monday and it said that you would be replaced by a sour, Stalinist Dictator and thought she meant Saddam! I didn't realise she was talking about Gordon." whined the outgoing War Criminal.
Super Mario Fined For Not Being Corgi Registered
"I'm-a-so-ashamed!" admitted the iconic Plumber.
Man with Sausages for Arms Discovered!
"Definitely a true story," says North Korean Press.
Jodie Foster Grows Penis
"Contact" star embarassed by shock discovery while taking shower.
Tom Cruise found in Kangaroo's Pouch!
Hollywood star was only seeking refuge from world press says spokesman, Xenu Xanudu.
"Spastic" voted funniest banned word!
Guardian readers voted in their thousands to nominate the funniest word banned from official council literature. "I know it's wrong but it makes me giggle every time I say it!" commented Guardian reader, Dandelion Teascone.
Lewis Hamilton exposed as Cyborg!
"Once my personality chip gets installed I will be complete," droned the one-person party Animal, Hamilton.
Bush discusses Gay Marriage with Pope
"After many hours of discussion, we have agreed that I should be the bitch." said the proud President.
Mother with White Child Spotted Moving into Council Estate
"It just ain't right!" says shocked neighbour, Scabbia Dovukal-Aldey.
Endemol Chief indicted for Crimes Against Humanity
Maker of Channel 4's Moron-Fest "Big Brother" was arrested in his home last night. His lawyer, Atilla Mengele, pleaded his client's innocence saying that Big Brother had helped drop the UK's average IQ to minus 5 and therefore helped Labour to three consecutive victories.
Harry Potter in Shock Internet Sex Tape
Wizard Potter denies claims that a tape of him and Ron Weasley is authentic.
Liverpool Fans Worst in Europe
"I'd even seen one nicking the hubcaps off the Pope Mobile," says UEFA head, David Moyes.
BBC Now Officially "90%" Adverts
"The trailers for our programmes are now longer than the programmes themselves!" says BBC Spokesman, Pansy McGandhi.
BBC Defends Policy to Sack all White News Presenters
"Having white people on television isn't going to reach our core demographic of Guardian readers," says BBC spokesman, Robert Mugabe.
Channel 4 to Broadcast Documentary of Cannibal eating Diana's Corpse
"It's what our viewers have been waiting for," exclaimed Head of Broadcasting, Ronnie Retard. "We've listened to concerns from the two princes and ignored them in the chase for ratings."
Epileptic Breakdance Troupe welcomes New Olympic Logo Video
"You should see our crazy moves!" says Troupe Leader, Flashing "Lights" JoJo Pokemon.
Series 2 of Jericho To Be Filmed in Iran
"The nuclear bomb effects will be so realistic," says Special Effects Head, George W. Bush.
Oompah Loompah's Vote For Industrial Action
"Mr. Wonka will have to pack his own fudge for the next two weeks," cried Chief Loompah, Oobooboo Scargill. "We are fighting for our Loompah Rights."
Big Brother Resident Booted Out For Being White
"Her skin colour won't be tolerated," said Channel 4 spokesman, Satan Hitler-Laden.
Dermot O'Leary refused insurance on his "talent."
"We see no proof of any," whines a spokesman for Insurance Giant Lloyds. "We refused a similar policy on Russell Brand."
Channel 4 to broadcast Documentary about Man eating own Excrement
"We foresee this being very popular with the Big Brother audience," declares Head of Broadcasting, Ronnie Retard.
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