Showing snippets written by MonkeyInTheBath.

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Showing page 2 (of 4 pages)

Norwegian would

A Norwegian car salesman has given up his day job to help tourists find their way around the mountains and valleys of his native country. His new job title: "Fjord Escort".

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 11 July 2011

A nation is born

The people of South Sudan were celebrating today after their new nation was created, despite the fact that it was immediately added to the UN list of failed states.

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 09 July 2011

Worst pun ever?

Michelle Bachmann - turn her over, drive. You ain't seen nothing yet!

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 03 July 2011

Stabbing burglars will be legal

As will beating, shooting, maiming, disemboweling, eye-gouging, hanging, guillotining, molesting, but not sewing their mouth to another burglar's bottom to create a human cater-burglar.

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 29 June 2011

Tim Henman's come-back

He may not be playing Wimbledon, but you can still see Tim Henman this summer after he released his first gay porno. Entitled "Come On Tim" it features extensive use of his back-hand and ball control.

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 22 June 2011

Wikileaks release secret Papal document

Wikileaks have today released a secret document which describes the Pope's "jelqing schedule". Confused journalists are advised "if you don't know what it is, you don't want to".

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 21 June 2011

Greece protests continue

As rioting continues throughout Greece, budgets are starting to hit the police. Riot police in Athens can no longer afford tear gas and are having to politely ask protesters to begin weeping.

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 18 June 2011

Zippy's funeral to be held this weekend

Zippy from TV show Rainbow died earlier today from suffocation after having his mouth zipped shut for too long. To honour his memory all attendees at his funeral are to wear their flies at half-mast.

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 08 June 2011

Royal Wedding dress to go on display

Kate Middleton's wedding dress will be displayed at Buckingham Palace this November. The delay is due to some "particularly stubborn stains", said one exhausted royal washing-woman.

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 06 June 2011

Lady Gaga admits infecting cucumbers with herpes

US singer controversially confesses to being the source of European cucumber disease outbreak. She said, "I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself. They were so big and juicy."

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 05 June 2011

Educational standards improved

Prime Minister David Cameron has praised his government's educational policies, after a survey showed an increase in the number of newspaper personal adverts offering "A level" services.

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 04 June 2011

Manchester beats Barcelona to European Crown

...but not in the football. Manchester's knife-wielding scallies have beaten Barcelona's ubiquitous pickpockets to make their city European's "Dangerous City of the Year 2011".

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 29 May 2011

Queen opens her mouth, puts foot in

The Queen has responded to critics who have said that the Obamas did not show her enough deference on their recent state visit. She said, "He showed me he has a lot of deference. A 'vas deferens'!"

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 26 May 2011

Spanish protests end early

Today protesters in Madrid demanded the government take action to improve the country's poor economic condition. However, the protest was cut short so that participants could take their usual siesta.

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 22 May 2011

Bin Laden burial at sea a mistake

It was revealed that the US intended to capture Osama Bin Laden alive, interrogate him and possibly use waterboarding on him. However, agents misunderstood the order and "surfboarded" him instead.

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 04 May 2011

Windsor Bastle

The Queen is suing a sculptor after a botch-job at Windsor Castle. Jez Fnarr was asked to create an intimate bas-relief of Henry VIII, but instead made a statue of the king being pleasured by a fish.

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 01 April 2011

Pope: "I can selfsuck"

The Pope proudly revealed to a London crowd that he can suck his own penis. Apparently it is common in the Catholic church, because priests have a lot of time on their hands and masturbation is a sin.

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 19 September 2010

Susan Boyle enters Guinness record books

Susan Boyle has officially entered Guinness record books as the ugliest woman to ever have a hit song.

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 19 September 2010

Daily Express shock news!

The Daily Express today published a leading article indicating that Princess Diana is still dead.

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 24 April 2010

Ash Brown's

UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown is planning to use anti-terrorist legislation to force Iceland to stop their volcanoes from emitting so much ash.

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 15 April 2010

Woods wood would

Tiger Woods has sensationally revealed how he manages to sleep with so many women - he has three penises.

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 20 March 2010

Tabloid fury over "psycho foetus"

A tabloid reacted with over-zealous fury today when it found that a baby infected its own mother with HIV while still in the womb. "If we'd 'a known we'd never 'a let it be born," fumed the rag.

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 11 March 2010

England's goalkeeper praised

Ron Commentator has praised Bob Keeper after he was chosen as England goalie for this year's World Cup. He said, "he has the agility of Jennings, the reach of Banks and the consistency of Seaman."

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 10 March 2010

Prezzer versus the Primer!

In Celebrity Boxing, Gordon "Iron Fist" Brown will fight John "Two Jags" Prescott in a heavyweight battle to remember. Will the tight-fisted Jock beat the Northern twat? Watch tonight on Channel 5.

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 24 February 2010
Showing page 2 (of 4 pages)

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